straight from the school of Getting Real…
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
– Leo Tolstoy
Change yourself and everything else around you changes, slowly. It’s a knock-on effect. And in time the world changes. It’s slow, but it does happen. Which is more than most of us can say for our best intentions to go out there and create something grand and exciting that will fix depression, or youth suicide, or breast cancer.
Bring it in close to home, rather than working outwards, and you get results. Gently. Effectively.
My spiritual counselor friend Sky once told me to “be my message”. I’d been rabbiting on about how I wanted to show, and to tell, people how to do things better. She wisely suggested instead of trying to change “out there”, and preaching, I could try living the change myself. That is, live the struggle of trying to improve my level of care. I find this hard because I’m inherently selfish. I forget birthdays and I fail to visit friends who’ve had kids and who keep asking me to come over for tea because they’re going insane with lack of adult company. And sometimes I can’t be bothered to pull the plastic windows off envelopes before putting them in the recycling, even though I harp on to others about being diligent waste sifters.
It also meant delving into the dark, messy corner cupboards of myself, where I store all the stuff I don’t really want to face, and which holds me back from progress. Stuff like an arrogant belief that I don’t need intimacy. Stuff like…um, I think I’m still delving in that corner.
Slowly I’m changing. And slowly I’m seeing people’s reactions to me changing. And slowly the world will change.
Every time I read your posts I feel like yelling: “Omg, SO true.” My boyfriend and I were having so many arguments and we were on the verge of breaking up until one of my mates (who’s into meditation, the Journey and NLP) forced me to realise that it’s not my boyfriend’s fault, it’s me. Shamed as I am to say it I lectured him about what he needed to do right without even thinking that I was the one doing things wrong (i.e. lecturing, nagging, generally being antagonistic). Anyway, since that epiphany, my boyfriend and I are now happy as larry and our arguments are over in an hour instead of creating this massive crevasse of resentment… I changed, he changed, everyone is happier. I still lapse into Moronville once in a while, but I think the fact that I’m aware that I’m often the problem, means that I can keep trying to fix it, and he knows I’m trying as well which means that he’s more understanding …
hehe changing onself is very true. you can change others unless u r willing to change as well its one of the things ive learnt through my counselling course. ppl who who want to change will b open and those who dont u forget about because no matter how hard you try they wont. small changes is better than none and to try n undo 20 yrs of habits wont happen overnight it will prob take 40 yrs to get it the way thats tolerable. another great blog sarah
Holy God I read your column, like this one and from the moment i read them I’m nodding. I see a of truth in waht you say and i seeit in myself about being selfish and not nedeing nitimacy and about how overthinkers needs a holiday not a think week, that is me all over. I love your stuff its enlightening, refreshing and it’s the truth.
hi sarah, so agree with your post, for years i always thought the problems were out there, it was ALWAYS someone else who was in the wrong, being mean etc. etc. It has only been recently that I have started to take responsiblity for my own inner world and yes slowly change is occuring on an outer level, i seem to be more at peace, more gentle with myself and others and less worried about the opinions of others .ps have you read Eckhart Tolle, he totally changed my thinking..
When things get too much for me with the people in my world and my feelings of frustration, annoyance and more are growing stronger, I make an appointment with my psychologist (I tend to visit her every few years for 4-5 sessions and use it a spring clean). I realised many years ago that I cannot change the behaviour of others but I do have total control over my own responses (emotionally and through my actions). I gain from my time spent with my wonderful psychologist hard truths, meaningful discoveries and practical ways of doing and being different. To paraphrase that wonderful statement be the change you want to see in others.
Hi sarah, i have only recently tuned in, what you say is so true and eye opening, i just wanted to point out that you dont need to pull the little plastic windows off the envelopes any more they can be recycled as well, so you can breathe easy on that one!!!!