sunday life: in which I ruin my relationship prospects
Last week I mentioned I visited a shaman in Bali. The reaction from everyone was, did he dress like Sandy from Monkey (skulls around neck, carrying a staff), and what wisdoms did he impart. To the first, no, he wore shorts and plastic sandals and we sat in his kitchen as kids and cats run amok and his wife cooked curry.
And his profound insight? Oh yes. Well, he told me I don’t much go for relationships. And that I shouldn’t. Go for them, that is. Nor should most women like me. If we want to be happy.
Now this might strike a shard of horror through the spleens of some. But I’ve had a week to digest and clarify the idea. It opened interesting cans of worms, with myself and with friends, both partnered and otherwise. And I wrangled with whether to explore it as part of this journey to make life better. In the end, I decided I had to.
How long have I known you? On my count (via this column), about 18 weeks. Long enough, I think, to share with you that I do in fact find the institution of The Relationship supremely odd. The formalized, “capital R” Relationship, bound up as it is in rules as to who takes out the garbage, 7.30pm Saturday night dinner bookings and sleeping on the same side of the bed for 45 years, leaves me…robustly reflective, to say the least.
It’s strange, people rarely (if ever) question their pursuit of The Relationship and whether it’s good for them, or makes them happy. It’s just what we humans do. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife is an undisputed endpoint to our existence. Sure, you might not do marriage, and you might be happy to go for periods without partnering. But eventually The Relationship is an arrangement we all feel we should do.
We question other institutions – church, capitalism and corporal punishment. Even marriage. But we continue to flock to The Relationship and its prescribed, one-size-fits-all guidelines, often blindly. And this phenomenon has only intensified in modern times, with the Bridget Joneses and Carrie Bradshaws of the world encouraging us to drop all kinds of bundles (great jobs, travel etc) to chase formalized partnership with a desperation generally reserved for oxygen.
But I have been forced this week to hang out nakedly on a limb and ask, why? Not “why” to love or intimacy. But why to the blinkered imperative. And the rules.
I’ve been in part spurred on by American Idol judge Simon Cowell. The man spurs me on to do many things, most of them involve outrage. But recently he announced he left his longterm partner, not because he didn’t love her, but because he didn’t like being in a relationship. He couldn’t abide the rules, he said.
I know the rules he’s referring to. Take for instance, sleeping together (every night, for 45 years). As my bleary-eyed friend James asked me, “Why aren’t I allowed to sleep in a separate bed to (his fiancé)?” Allowed? I know what he means. It’s the same with holidaying with your partner, eating dinner with your partner. It’s what we do. And if we don’t, boats are rocked.
But findings presented at last month’s British Science Festival (can’t you just imagine the after party!?) concluded it’s unnatural for two people to sleep together (for a host of science-y reasons). It’s a misconception to think otherwise, they said. Prior to the Industrial Revolution we slept separately. But over-crowding forced us into the one bed. A misconception they say? Same with this idea that The Relationship makes us happy. Countless qualitative studies suggest the opposite.
So now I’d like to clarify things, before my mother falls off her stool. While I don’t get relationships, I wholeheartedly embrace the beautiful, life-affirming, art of relating intimately to someone of the opposite sex (in my case). Mindful relating is a most delicate, elative dance that drags human nature from its selfish tendencies and motivates us to expand and grow as a race. Good relating, when it “clicks” (like an MacBook power cord into its socket), makes my heart soar. It makes sharing this planet with 7 billion heaving, sweating, erratic-lane-changing, change-fumbling-at-the-checkout humans worthwhile. I even get the evolutionary purpose of monogamy.
As the good shaman said, “relationships can block you from truly relating. Do you want to relate or do you want a relationship?” Wise words indeed.
These words are rocking my world mademoiselle(I assume you’re a mademoiselle with the content of your post). This is very bright, courageous and non conventionnal thinking. The question following us where do we go from here? How is the future going to work with the new proposed way of relating? And don’t get me wrong, I am not asking these questions for argument sake but more in a constructive way. The only good thing about sleeping with the same person for the next 45 years (why 45 years and not ‘the rest of your life’?) is that one KNOWS where and with whom he is sleeping and this sense of security had some grounding.
What you have the courage to formulate here is a very great things which has not been properly addressed yet thank you for that.
Now, how can I meet the Balinese Shaman next time I visit this amazing island?
Jesus! Sarah, this was truly brilliant and exactly what I needed to read today.
So true, thanks Sarah! I would love to read your archived columns, we don’t get Sunday Life here in Perth. I am loving your blog, it is so thought-provoking, refreshing and lovely to read
Gosh that smiley looks evil! That was supposed to be a friendly smile! : )
Love your words Sarah, I relate to most things you say and enjoy the Sun column even if it takes me till early in the week to read it sometimes.
))
Utterly loved reading this column in the Sunday Mag today. I can only describe it as delicious food for the soul, thank you Sarah Wilson. I agree with Laura when she says it is thought provoking and refreshing, and almost surprising to be reading and resonating so strongly with something I read in the Sunday mag. Last weeks ‘meant to be’ column was equally brilliant. This is such an inspiration for my own writing, love it, x
does thing include friendships as well?
Hi Sarah,
I’d been thinking a lot about intimate relationships recently, and my pretend mum pointed out your column last nigt. It triggered an interesting conversation. What occurs to me is that being “in relationship” requires as a necessary condition the mutual entry into a kind of dream-like state. Otherwise, it would seem obvious that “in relationship”, could not occur. The idea of any two people living together so intensively for so long is surely an impossibility without some mechanism to make it so. So they enter into a mutually shared dream-state for two, where many of the normal rules of relating are suspended, and expectations of the other are strangely altered. This is readily apparent when someone reveals an issue from their relationship. The sense of having a window into an alien world can be intense, as is the oft-felt feeling of shock when you find out all is not well when outwardly things appeared rosy. This also helps to explain the emotional chaos when relationships end; the sense of being snapped out of an altered state. After all, we do “fall in” love do we not?
Thanks for your thoughts, they jogged mine along. I loved the shaman’s quote you end on. Relating seems to be a dying feature of our culture. His words will stay with me.
Cheers,
Julian.
The secret to life is knowing and relating to the self – all else follows.
I believe we only have one true relationship. The one we have with ourselves. This is where honesty, selfless love and nonjudgemental support is found. Everything else that occurs is simply us choosing to share aspects of ourselves with others.
Sounds a bit out there? Consider this… when you marry one life does not end and another begin (as my mother used to say) but rather your same life continues, just with someone along for the ride. Someone to laugh with and share the joys and sorrows with, sure. But you’re not living their life any more than they are living yours. You have just chosen to walk this part of your life roads together. And though you may well walk together, you never walk as one. To immerse yourself so completely in anothers life that you lose all sense of your own individuality and purpose is not healthy (on many levels).
Lecture over…time for tea!
OMG Sarah, you have just hit the nail on the head for me, I’m married with 3 kids and just had a fabulous, totally verbal but totally scintallating, alcohol induced flirtfest with some guy last week – it’s unhinged me ever since! I have signed up to the fact there will only be one guy in my life from now on. And I guess this was my first instance of pushing those boundaries out a smidge in the name of fun and feeling a billion dollars about myself. I did nothing (ok wait for the flood of comments) so i feel no guilt, but I do feel that somehow this little bit of flirting was good for me, to feel attractive, to feel that buzz in your stomach, and to feel a little bit of danger. And simply that’s a stage that quickly gets lost in most relationships. Ok, I know I’m going to get bagged for this, but people lets stop being too idealistic and start being honest. As well as the wonderful stuff, there are downsides to being in relationships. Says someone who is in one.
Sarah over the years, I have found myself contemplating the problematic nature of marriage. I hesitated before committing to such an institution – I want to know that the person I wake up to every morning is there because he chooses to be, as opposed to merely feeling a sense of ‘obligation’.
Life is complicated, relationships are complicated, people grow and change… sometimes not at the same rate and sometimes they simply grow apart. I wonder if we’re not meant to be serial monogamists – enjoying the intimacy of different and meaningful relationships at varying stages of our lives.
Of course the challenge arises when a couple decide to have children together. In spite of what twists and turns a relationship/marriage takes – they are ‘bound’ together to form a duty of care for the next eighteen years, at least. In my mind, the decision to choose parenthood is the most enduring and meaningful relationship a person can enter into. All other relationships are to be enjoyed for as long as they are mutually rewarding and uplifting to both parties.
really enjoyed reading this on sunday.
i am happily married with 2 kids & as someone who is trying to decide between Buddhism & Christianity (very indecisive me – LOVED the column a few weeks ago about committing to something, that was just SO timely for me that day), I see the ‘rules’ of a relationship as a healthy discipline for me.
BUT I’ve noticed the way some of my friends can sometimes be a bit a smug about the fact that they have ‘achieved’ the relationship (or ‘achieved’ motherhood for that matter) & this is completely ridiculous. There seems to be this dynamic – where the hooked up discreetly boast about their status & the relationship seekers are aware of their ‘lack’.
It’s ridiculous because it doesn’t reflect reality at all. The smug in their relationship might not be happy at all, they might be as happy, more or less, as those that are wanting a relationship. But in some ways it is like a status symbol.
I think being in a relationship, & not being in a relationship, both have their pros & cons. Neither is better, per se. My aunt is 50 & single (& planning to stay that way!) after a number of relationships in her life & she is the happiest person I know.
as for the ‘rules’, the not sleeping with others is a painful, but healthy one for me i think, as is the being considerate, being affectionate, learning to compromise (as much as it can suck sometimes!). Rules i don’t necessarily go in for are eating together, holidaying together. i don’t expect my husband to come to all or even the majority of family get togethers, i like spending time with him, being a ‘team’, & having sex with him, & I LOVE the whole family thing, but we both like doing our own thing these days & it feels a lot healthier than when we had so many expectations of each other.
Sarah Wilson,
I GET YOU!
The things you write about, the places you go, the things you are looking for… I am totally and completely and abso-bloody-lutely there with you!
Blessings for the journey!!!
Carmela
Good article, Sarah. Will we ever get to a stage where being single is NOT a problem, but might just be a desirable way to live if we could all get over being hung up about being single. Why is being in a relationship the most desired attainment in life, as if without being in a relationship our lives are somehow diminished. Indeed, why ‘the blinkered imperative’? If we took away the equation of sex and were motivated by companionship first, then maybe more people would be content to live with a good friend, sharing rent, meals and companionship, without any other strings attached. Or, maybe single people would feel less ‘alone’ living alone if the stigma and pressure were taken away.
thanks sarah. amazing. you seem to have this ‘knack’ of going into my head and pulling out my thoughts and the 1001 questions and general wonderings about who I am now and who I will be tomorrow. your blog is such a little ‘gem’ to me.
Funny how people change over the years. In your 20-30 you are so into “its all about me”. The self is the centre of my universe……..then you start to think, i wonder if this is what life is all about……me my self, my world, you look so far in that what you end up finding is more of myself and how i came to be this person. Imagine a world where everyone just looked inward they would be so far up their bums that they would get constipation……..what goes in comes out and a generation that focus’s on the beauty of their inner life one day wakes up and finds themselves lost and lonely. Only people would truly relate have the ability to give selflessly to others in their lives. Imagine if you mother was so self-centre, (or maybe she was and you missed out on recieving what you needed in nurture) that she sat all day thinking…..
“the rules are I cook, he takes out the rubbish”. I think you left out a really important word in your search for the big R. When u love someone you actually enjoy doing stuff for that person. Its not a rule its a response. Is the heart so blogg-up that the response to living loved is fearful of being let down by the other person/s in that relationship. Do we all stop having children(a realtionship) because we dont feel we should do relationships anymore. The blinkered imperative or rules you refer to are in the eye of the beholder….ie cant you talk to the person you love and say….welll this relationship could look like this ……,well until we are 40 and then we can re assess, but in the mean time we should consider only having sex but not children…then when you get to 46 and find life has changed and there is no one to leave your inheritance too, or spend Christmas with, you may wish you had a few kids(or relationships) around to share life and laughter with. Dont you know the word relating is part of the rest of the word relationship…..beautiful, life-affirming art and certainly intimate. Maybe your advice from the sharman of Bali is just a way of makiing you column “ping” while mislead people who are struggling doing life and may cause them to opt out of something worth working at. Can you at least think about how your words impact on your readers and balance it out. The only way “relationships can block you from truely relating is if you dont talk”. Your words are not wise, but very confusing.
I like this:
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.
- Mary Schmit, “Wear Sunscreen”
Laura, I love that quote. Brilliant
[...] know, I know…these details are a long time coming. I posted a while back about visiting a shaman (who told me I shouldn’t do [...]
Dear Sarah,
The good old RELATIONSHIP debate! There is a whole industry dedicated to unearthing the secrets of a good relationship….it is a minefield!!
Personally, I think many relationships are doomed from the beginning because people get into them for the wrong reason(s) or have unrealistic expectations to start with (the divorce rate is 50% and of the other 50% how many are in a committed, happy and functional relationship?)!
Aristophanes relates a mythical story to Plato as written in “The Symposium” – Once upon a time there were gods in the heavens and humans on earth. The humans each had 2 heads, 4 legs and 4 arms. In other words 2 people joined together in perfect unison and harmony into 1 being. There were 3 types: male/female, male/male and female/female. All the bases were covered. As a result of being with our perfect partner we were all as happy as Larry!!
But in our wholeness we became overly proud and we neglected to worship the gods. As a result, the mighty Zeus punished us by cutting all of us into 2 and in the process inflicted on mankind that most painful of human conditions: the gnawing and constant sense that we are not quite whole. Hence the belief that we need to find our other half, our soul mate in order to complete us and make us truly happy!
People, only you can make yourself happy. No one else is responsible for your happiness. A partner is there to complement you not complete you. It is a fallacy that one plus one will somehow equal one. In fact, it is a mathematical impossibility!
You don’t have to get married because you are a certain age or because you have been going out for a few years or because your parents get on with your partner’s parents or because everyone else in your circle of friends is hooking up.
You don’t have to be in a relationship to complete you!!
If you do wish to be in a relationship and let’s face it, most of us do – then it might be prudent to heed the thoughts of Carl Jung. He suggested that the first 6 months of most love stories is pure projection. You are captivated by your own reflection, intoxicated by a dream of completion that you have projected on to a virtual stranger. You don’t think straight. Real, mature love that comes with mortgages, kids, in-laws etc is based on affection and respect – qualities that take time to nurture and grow. The latin word for respect is respicere – to gaze at! That suggests you can actually see the person who is your partner – something you cannot do in the early stages of your relationship….
Don’t get me wrong. I agree with you Sarah. To be able to relate intimately to someone and be in a loving, functional relationship is a wonderful thing. Getting it right is the hard part. And remember you have to water a plant if you want it to flower. How many people water their relationship???
All the best.
captivated by your own reflection – i totally agree. Nice insights. Thank you
My pleasure Sarah. There isn’t anything much more fulfilling than truly connecting with a friend, lover, family member or even a stranger in a coffee shop (a smile reciprocated is a wonderful thing)!
We could all do it a bit more, I think. Anyway, enough philosophising!
I wish I was a glow worm,
A glow worm’s never glum.
How can you be unhappy,
When the sun shines out yer bum!
Kindest.