sunday life: lowering your New Year expectations will make you happier
This week I resolve to have a crap-tastic New Year
Stuck to my friend Katie W’s fridge is a list of New Year resolutions. From last year. At the top it reads, “Live life like you’re on holidays”. This concept – chipper-ly deluding yourself with a ”St Tropez at cocktail hour” vibe – has always appealed. Until Katie pointed out that the very fact she failed to keep this resolution has caused her untold self-flagellating angst each time she’s gone to grab milk for the past 12 months. That’s what resolutions do: they haunt. And make you feel deficient.
Now, as a relevant aside, this week marks six months of my seeking out a better life and writing about it in this column. One thing I’ve learnt along the way is that happiness is mostly about lowering expectations. Every life balance coach preaches this from their pod-casted pulpit. But, of course, lowering expectations for this generation of A-types is like telling the captain of the Titanic to make a 180 degree-turn. Another thing I’ve learned from my journey: change is best made in small increments, slowly. Turn the Titanic one degree to the left and in time you’ll wind up travelling in a completely new direction. It’s about easing gently. Always gently.
So, to this end, I’m not making elaborate resolutions this year. Instead, as we all face going back to work, regretting we didn’t pull off the perfect, Kokomo-kind-of-summer holiday, I’m going to try this: “Live life like it’s a series of low-rent excursions”.
My friend Dave P triggered the idea. Every other weekend he packs up his wife and young daughter and heads to the outer Western suburbs of Sydney on a food safari. Just to check stuff out and eat fattoush, visit a kimchi factory and look at colourful hijab shops. He says it’s an entirely liberating experience because you have no idea what to expect. “So everything is novel.”
When I was a kid, my Dad did much the same. Each holiday he’d blindly choose a destination on the map. “Kids, this year we’re spending two fun-filled weeks in….Gilgandra!” Or Dubbo! Or the drought-ravaged plains of Jindabyne! On a goat farm. No offence to any of these places, but they were no Coolum. We spent summer in dusty campgrounds with sagging aboveground pools and visited kooky Cooee March memorials and native animal zoos. The expectations were low, but the stories we brought home were grand and have made my life richer. (Another maxim gleaned: a richer life is more satisfying than one spent chasing happiness per se).
I’m sure you’ve experienced the same: the daggier the pursuit, the more fun you accidentally end up having. A morning spent at Bunnings looking for espalier ties is often more of a hoot than a fancy poached eggs brunch. It’s because the bar has been lowered. You’re not expending energy chasing the elevated image in your head of the perfect morning/holiday. You’re not living outside of yourself; you’re firmly wedged in the (sometimes grim) here and “now”. And making the most of things from there. Yet another lesson: happiness is often found in the midst of dire conditions. Bad weather during a bushwalk or a noisy breather next to you in yoga can be the motivating grist that propels you to joy. We’re forced to create our joy when things are grim, not passively await it from without.
So, to this end, this week I went to the public library and read the papers. It was the most everyday place I could think of, even if the idea of a lovely spot in a café or park seemed more enticing. I had a marvellous morning. Old people smiled at me. And the hubbub of interested people doing interested things was soothing. Other crappy/beige excursions on the agenda this summer include: supper at a Dracula-themed theatre restaurant, something Big and something Fun (the Big Worm, Ulladulla Fun Park) and, on a Twitter suggestion, a series of “seafood buffet rating” trips to the country.
This week’s also my birthday, coincidentally signally two decades since I made my first resolution at age 16 (you do the maths). I’m dragging everyone to the cheesiest Chinese restaurant I’ve ever encountered several suburbs away. The kind that keep their Christmas decorations up until May, have tissue boxes on the table and you drive past often and think who eats there. Well, my friends, we do!
Hey Sarah LOVE this post! You are absolutely right, in terms of expecting too much. PS Hope you had a fabulous birthday
xo
I totally agree. Hubbie & I hadn’t been out much on dates lately…we ended up leaving the kidlets at home one Sat am to go to the local farmers markets to pick up stuff. Markets were shut so we did a cruisy Woolies run instead, had a coffee, pottered around the local shops and it was the best “date” we’d had for a long time. There was no pressure to tart up, we were both relaxed, and agreed it was a lovely way to reconnect.
I’ve learnt the hard way that “expectations prevent you from experiencing what really is”. It’s one of my favourite quotes and I try to live the ride rather than expect the outcome.
I believe it’s a slightly pessimistic perspective to expect less in order to be happier.
Happiness to me is eating well, getting plenty of exercise, plenty of sleep, time with family and friends, time to yourself, time with nature, time in silence..and time with cats and dogs!
Hi Sarah,
Great topic! I love this wonderful trend of people simplifying as a means of enriching their lives.
When it comes to finding happiness, I think it’s not just about “lowering” expectations, which kinda sounds a bit sad and despondent. Maybe we just need to stop expecting other people to be responsible for our happiness. Maybe the daggy road trips, lame Christmas gifts, uneventful holidays are opportunities to learn that joy is NOT something that comes from the outside in.
Here’s my example: My 21st Birthday (four years ago today!) was spent in South Africa with my huge extended family. The gifts were beyond tragic: 2kg candles shaped as faces, a holograhic dolphine cuff-watch, a furry leopard skin and diamonte purse. Topping this bizzare 12 year old themed list was the comemorative plate with my face stretched , so that I resembled a beardless swarmi, across the front from my dearest uncle. The horrific plate was immediately passed around the large circle of Aunties who sporadically exclaimed “oh sooooo beautiful”, “sooooo thoughtful”. This could have sent me over the edge of self-pity and binge eating, but instead I kept a plate-stretched smile on my face and stored the experience as one of the thousands that I would soon share with circles of laughing friends back in Australia.
To be honest, that awful plate has given me more joy than any other gift I have ever received. I still have it, hidden in some dark place! One day soon, I’m going to dust it off and serve a delicious dinner for my husband on it. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he gets to the bottom.
My friend Cat & I remind ourselves that disappointment is when reality doesn’t live up to expectations.
I don’t do New Year’s resolutions either. For me, they are bound up with negativity and guilt, made by picking on failings from the year past, and commanding yourself to ‘do better’. And if you don’t meet those expectations, the negativity and guilt compounds as your friend Kate W know too well.
The end of one year and beginning of a new one is a wonderful time to pause and think about the life you are creating. Rather than making resolutions, I have New Year reflections.
Step #1: I acknowledge what I have achieved in the past 12 months.
Step #2: I celebrate my achievements.
Step #3: I think about what is important to me, and what achievements I want to build on, and make a *short* list of my focus areas for the coming year (brief enough so I can hold them easily in my mind as I go about my day).
I spoke with a fabulous woman the other day and her focus for 2010 is Go get it! Short, sharp and so simple.
I love the sentiment behind this Sarah. Life should be fun & to ensure that we need to find fun/happiness in the mundane! You should talk to my mate Elliott, he loves random excursions – last year he went on a road trip to the rodeo in Coonamble. And please come on a Western suburbs food safari with me & Si when we get back!
A follow up, below is my new years resolution, I have it pasted on my fridge and at my desk at work -
The Optimist Creed
Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
sarah,
i myself was diagnosed with hashimotos when i was 17.please,,,, hasimotos has nothing to do with alcohol.its all about a lack of iodine in your system.i think u should research more…
Tis a great concept – “Live life like you’re on holidays”. Forcing yourself to stay out in the city after work, organising to meet up with anyone in your contact list or just roaming the streets by your lonesome.
You quickly realise the only people on the streets on a random monday night are actual tourists and backpackers on holidays. Hey if randoms are spending thousands of dollars and countless hours to fly over here… we shouldn’t be taking home for granted. The hard part is tricking the mind then convincing everyone to party with you. But it’s worth it when done right.
Dear Sarah,
I am appalled that in interviews this week you have made claims that Hashimoto’s disease is caused by alcohol abuse. As a journalist I would have expected that you would have widely researched this disease, particularly when there are so many websites about thyroid disease. I was particularly annoyed by your claims, because of the misinfomation it disseminates, leading people to wrongly believe that anyone who develops Hashimoto’s is a closet alcoholic. I have recently had my Thyroid removed because of Hashimoto’s and I would hate to think that my colleagues now think that I have been secretly abusing alcohol when in actual fact I rarely drink.
Had you done your reading and listened to specialists you would have discovered that Hashimoto’s is an autoimmune disease and appears to have genetic links. Many people, women in particular, will develop Hashimoto’s along with other autoimmune diseases
Hi Melinda, Thanks for your feedback. I think you’re referring to an article in last week’s Sun Herald/Sunday Age about my involvement in Febfast. Two things: first, I was slightly misquoted. Sadly, the journo quoted me a little inaccurately regarding the link between alcohol and Hashimotos. She also painted a picture of me as a problem drinker…which I’m not!!! And, apart from my teens, haven’t been. I’d explained that my high-adrenalin lifestyle had caused me to get auto-immune disease, and that alcohol was a part of that. That said, my research (and you have to do it yourself, don’t you!! Such a loooong journey) has found booze is not good for auto-immune disease – it’s very acidifying, which exacerbates the condition. Along with sugar and gluten, it changes the balance of the gut, which allows protein chains to leak from the gut, which then increases the antibody count in our bodies. And we know what happens from there!
Yes, there is also a hereditary link. My grandmother had it, and, like you, had her thyroid removed. There is much conjecture about the cause and cure of thyroid disease. Western medicine sticks firmly to the hereditary angle and prescribe thyroxin. I personally prefer the broader approach taken by some endocrinologists and nutritionists – that it is a disease that stems from a predisposition and is brought to the surface by factors such as stress, trauma (in my case), diet (including alcohol) etc. And that a cure is to be found in re-balancing the body.
Now, I drink very occasionally, and only a glass of red at a time.
I totally agree that many women are developing this illness. It is my aim to share my story and what has helped for me. I’d love to hear what’s worked for you. Hope this clarifies things.
In wellness,
Sarah
nice!
Hi Melissa, the issue is quite a bit more complex than this. I’m going to post a rundown of my experiences with thryoid disease here in a week or so, with nutritionists giving their advice. I’ve researched the disease a lot. Sadly, I was misquoted about the link with alcohol. It’s not a direct link…but adrenal fatigue, which was worsened by booze in my case, can cause it.