be inspired: the “special problem” of strong women looking for love
Strong Women contribute to the world in many ways, not all of which are fully appreciated
The scene: green tea this morning with my hung-over friend Sally
The topic: a quote from a review of Antonia Fraser’s biography in which she outlines her life as the wife of writer Harold Pinter. It neatly sums up what Women of Strong Character know to be true:
The Special Problem
Early on, just after their affair had got under way in 1975, Antonia was warned by her brother, Thomas: “You have a special problem. You are a woman and a strong character yet you want your husband to be stronger. Women with strong characters who want to dominate are always fine because there are plenty of weak men around. Also plenty of strong men for weak women. But yours is a special problem.” Actually, Antonia concludes, “He’s quite right in a maddening way.”
Strong women wanting stronger men? How do strong women feel about this? In many case, fine, I reckon.
Most women, IMO, want a man who’s comfortable in his masculinity, who can own – and be stronger – in that domain. That’s how I interpret this idea of wanting a stronger husband or partner.
When a man doesn’t step into his strength, he becomes emasculated…which causes all kinds of problems for everyone involved. It’s harder for men to step into their masculinity today. It used to be easy. You fought a war. You earned the money. You opened the doors and fixed the taps. You asked women out on dates. You paid.
Now, there’s not the same imperative and impetus. Men have to do it in different ways. This requires true strength.
I won’t essentialise further. Although I did this morning. The green tea high and tropical rain fired me up.
The upshot, as the reviewer writes, is that Antonia and Harold were a perfect match, strong-willed and impassioned romantics.
Sadly the traits of masculinity and femininity are so prescribed and socially conditioned that it is so easy for men and women to feel lacking in their social ‘roles’ and responsibilities to the opposite sex. This ultimately damages the potential of relationships as one can be looking for a companion who fits a certain type of sexuality trait, eg dominance and strength in men, without realising that we all are capable of great strength.
Oh my god this is SO true….sadly
I definitely fall into this category and at 36 amongst other things have started a $4 million company and done a bunch of kind of interesting other things…I’m sporty and adventurous, main aim is to have fun…loving, kind, slightly crazy and apparently what many guys think “hot” I know exactly who I am and what I want out of life….and for me the most important things are love and a family….giving love and being loved….but I find myself in a roller coaster of love affairs that end as abruptly and disappointingly as they start when my latest ‘love’ who seemed so together starts falling apart at the seams….. I just want a beautiful man who is a MAN – wants to look after his woman with passion and adoration, protect her and love her…integrity, honesty and communication are high on the list…. in short I want my warrior and my gentleman and I shall keep looking until he appears….i know he’s out there
Many years when I was mending my shattered heart that had been broken for the time by a boy, I remember (as a teenager) thinking – this guy isn’t strong enough for me – I think he knew it which is why he choose the other girl! It was an important learning for me.
Mandy, you should cut and paste this blurb and stick it on RSVP.com….as an experiment. It’s a gorgeous, honest description of what you seek.
I can relate. I am fiercely independent, but I still expect my partner to be masculine and chivalrous. I have no problem with him opening car doors for me, cooking me romantic dinners, buying me presents, choosing which restaurant to go to for a date, driving me everywhere, filling up my car, protecting me from physical danger, fixing my computer etc. But the moment tries to assert dominance in other areas of my life – for example, he criticises my choices, or tries to tell me that I’m wrong about something (even if I am) – there is hell to pay. It is a difficult balance. I suppose my intellectual equality (or even superiority) is incredibly important to me, whereas I have no qualms with gendered disparity in a romance-based, cultural sense. Or perhaps I’m just lazy and I like him doing things for me (entirely possible).
[...] be inspired: the “special problem” of strong women looking for love: Sarah Wilson writes about dynamics in man/woman relationships and how it is often necessary for [...]
It’s not difficult to impress me.
Just be a man.
Make me dinner. Know your way around the kitchen. Know which condiments go with which foods, know excellent wine. Know how to laugh at yourself if you utterly fail at this.
Have a clean apartment. Don’t live in filth. Appreciate yourself enough to create a harmonious place for you to live in. Wash your sheets. Clean your bathroom – the cleanliness of a man’s bathroom sink equals that of his balls, I learned once while watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on a sleepless night. Put up a Bob Marley poster, maybe a world map. Burn some insence. It’s okay for your place to smell like Wild Spices instead of Gym Socks.
Pick a book or a good movie over a stupid TV show when you’re on your own. Pick a calm conversation when you’re with me.
Have your own hobbies. Live your own life. Have lots of interesting things to say when we see each other. Listen to the interesting things I have to say, too, and even the not-so-interesting ramblings that escape me from time to time. Don’t worry, I’ll listen to yours, too.
Be silly with me. Laugh a lot. Say stupid things. Fool around. Poke me, tickle me. Blow bubbles, talk through a sock puppet every once in a while, make up hilarious words for our personal dictionary.
Make love to me slowly. Touch me gently. Kiss me softly. Contemplate my naked body like it’s the most astonishing, gorgeous sight you ever laid eyes on. I’m not made of glass, but it makes me feel special when you suddenly treat me as if I am.
Never lie. Be honest. Tell me the truth. If something is on your mind, just bloody say it already. How am I supposed to trust someone who can’t even tell me that the dress I’m wearing makes my hair look fat, or call me out on some yucky behaviour? Scold me when I truly deserve it. Don’t worry, I can take it.
Yeah, I’m a strong woman. I won’t bend over backwards to please you if you don’t deserve it. I won’t stand quietly by your side and be your armcandy. I’m not your fashion accessory. I’m not a trophy. I will never be owned by a man. If being with you starts being more about sacrifice than about rewards, I will shake you off like a bad case of fleas and move on with my life.
I will, however, stand by your side and be your lifelong lover and friend, not through a showy religious ceremony or through dull, legal paperwork, but through a conscious, personal choice.
Inside every strong, untameable woman is a little girl that just wants to be cuddled and cared for and made to feel safe and loved. You just gotta know how to find her.
And finding her is easy, really. Just be a man.
Wow, you’ve thought about this a lot. I very much like this: Inside every strong, untameable woman is a little girl that just wants to be cuddled and cared for and made to feel safe and loved. Soooooo true.x
the thing that strikes me in this whole debate is the focus on what the man should do/be/bring to the relationship and the obsession with what women want from the relationship….it’s great to have goals/needs/wishes/intentions/a list of stuff that you won’t put up with etc…but what about a bit of give and take? Sorry to be pragmatic but even the best relationships that I know of (mine included – 12 years to date) is about compromise and connection from the heart rather than the needs of the ego (always hard to achieve!). This is especially so when children are part of the equation!! And, there is a place where women need to be soft…as well as strong. Quite frankly if I was a guy reading some of the ‘wishlists’ that I hear of…I would be scared!
Don’t know much about relationships and love, been only married for 14 years. But I know that I need his love in some many more ways that I can count. I need him to tell me he loves me every day. I need to feel his strong body after he has worked out. I need to feel secure that all our finances are taken care of by him. I need to know that he is the greatest dad in the world. I need him to care when I have had a bad day. I need him to be playful. I need him to worry when I take road trips. I need him to be affectionate in front of his friends. I need him to take care of my flat tires. I need him to need me. These things may not make me a strong woman but they do make me feel loved.
mmmm all very interesting and profound comments from loving, caring, capable women… I love that Mari is so open and honest. I need and want exactly what she said. Unfortunately, I find it impossible to become vulnerable enough to allow it to happen. I definitely have a “special problem”
It’s very hard to take time out and look at how intimidating, scary and independent I have become (on the outside) while on the inside, my heart is full of warmth, love and generosity aching to share it with someone. Friends and family are ever so proud of my drive, courage and energy I have for life!!! But I know they would be so delighted and pleasently suprised if I let my guard down and softened, but not weakened! And so would I.. A work in progress!
Mari.. you are the strongest of women! Thank you!
I’m a little late on this post, but if anyone is interested in reading a really insightful book on the newly evolving post feminist man, there is a free PDF version.
It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I found it very interesting.
http://www.smilyanov.net/download/pdfs/The%20Way%20of%20the%20Superior%20Man.pdf
I live with a strong woman and its an eye opener to the corporate world. i must have been living under a rock i thought we where all equal.
i now can see how much more smarter and more organised woman are and how arregant we are (well not me) as men.
you do feel a bit weak and not so needed as a man or as a partner, if a strong woman is at the helm.
ladies its almost like you want to be on your own. strong is independent, independent is lonely.
Mike