choose who you hang around with
I like this idea…British scientist Sydney Smith wrote a letter to an unhappy female friend in the early 1800s. It listed 20 things to do to be happy.
you can just tell they like each other
I liked his comments on friends, points 6 and 7:
6. See as much as you can of those friends who respect and like you.
7. And of those acquaintances who amuse you.
It’s a good delineation and formula, don’t you think. So much can grow from an interaction if the foundation is simply “they like me, they get me”.
For me, when there is this is the energy between me and my closest mates, I become more likeable.
Do you find when you’re with a “friend” who you sense doesn’t really get you, you misbehave? I have an old friend who has it in her head that I don’t have time for her and posits my life as pretentious and “too Sydney”. So, of course I find myself really unreliable in making time for her. And with a fake tan whenever I see her (or at least looking like I have one). I mirror her expectations of me.
On the acquaintance front: sometimes I just crave the skim-the-surface-flirtatiously interaction you can have with someone you don’t really have a lot in common with, but who has a light energy. The interaction is very now. Very much about the sport of communicating.
A little like cutting the ‘toxic’ people out of your life, or reevaluating relationships with family members who are not healthy for you…
I know what you mean about misbehaving. Twice now my ‘inner bogan’ has surfaced without warning when I’ve encountered the ‘nouveau poshster’ at the supermarket. It made me laugh to see this chick from the past who used to sit in the corner sucking on a bong or 10, blossom into a professional mum, living on ‘golden mile, ‘ driving a 7 series (a gift from hubby #1 when baby #2 was born), sporting a diamond tennis bracelet and a big, fat NEW plumb in her mouth! ‘Good on her’ the nice girl in me says, but for some reason the bogan in me just came out with this heavy Aussie accent…’oh my gawd it’s a bewdifool car, youze must be doing good ah?’
Your comment Freddie made me chuckle!
Who completes me? Is a good question to ask when pondering your friendships.
Friend is not a term I toss around. I don’t call business associates or clients friends, I don’t call people who I see on a regular basis in the gym friends, I don’t call friends of friends my friends. I have a special connection with the people in my life who I call my friends. That is part of the problem when you are pondering your friendships – the term / the word …it is such a simple word that is supposed to expand to define for some many people in their life.
Someone who I call a friend shares support and advice, gives affection, wants what is best for you, finds the courage to be honest and speaks the truth with the best of intentions. I know that I feel more alive after connecting with my friends. After a friendship encounter I feel stronger, brighter and better. This does not mean that all our times are good times (there has been sadness, loss, illness along with all those great times of fun and celebration)
Kerry Armstrong in her beautiful book The Circles (2003). The Circles are a practical exercise where you look at yourself and the relationships you have with people in your life. Very helpful when you are seeking the answer to the question Who completes me?
Here is a link to Kerry talking about the book on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9-PxhKynAs
Yes! I have been thinking about this after having total anxiety the other day on my way to a PARTY. I mean, its a party for fucks sake, it is meant to be FUN. But I realized it is just about the crowd of people at this particularly party, and yes, they tend to bring out the worst in me, and it becomes a bit of a vicious cycle – I think they dont like – i’m not comfortable – i act weird. Definitely brings me to ponder why I dont just hang with the people I know and love….but then I would miss out on so much! So I am instead trying to cultivate some non-judgement – of myself! So I can hang loose, even if it is at a party full of wankers….
Hey Sarah!!
I love this post and was wondering if you perhaps you could advise of me where to find the other 18 things to do to be happy in the letter… I’m quite interested to know!
Thanks xx
Yes I’d like to see the full list of 20 things as well
I am……(and I am starting to bite my tongue after saying these 2 words…I am)(now if I can only bite my tongue “sweetly and lovingly” like I am my own best friend and companion and be kind to myself and to all others….I have thought many times that the problem with the saying…Love your neighbor as yourself….is that we don’t love ourselves well, or enough and I have a tendency to love my neighbors by giving them the utmost respect and PRIVACY privacy and never bother them for “anything”…if I can help it. hmmm…..a fire…a child on the roof…a big snake in the yard….lots of exceptions here…noted). I am very interested in things you are saying….for example….”toxic friends”….(what is the opposite of this…you said it, I think…”healthy friends”)……and feeling more alive while being with and after being with good friends….and the interest in those who have a light energy….is manna for the soul. (note: I am thrilled with taking photos….the idea of freezing a moment in time…a look…a feeling maybe…fascinates me….and I do collect sunsets and birds and babies and such…and I do study some photos in say Vanity Fair or by Annnie Leibovitz etc. and I must say I enjoy the photo u put on your blog with the dog and cat frienship….charming! Point of writing…I would like to see the 20 Things to do to be Happy….(well, I know 2 of them…thank you kindly). Soft fresh summer winds to you and yours….Lv