sunday life: so, defriending is word of the year, but does it make life read better?
So on Thursday I was stood up by a friend. Her excuse was as flimsy as a philanderer’s promise and it was her third last-minute no-show. Sitting at the restaurant fuming into a ramekin of bar olives I wondered if it wasn’t time to defriend.
It’s a concept many of you relate to. I know this because “unfriending” has just been deemed Word of the Year by the New Oxford American Dictionary, and presumably because more than just a few of us are talking about dumping redundant friends. (Oxford debated whether to go with “unfriend” or the social media-speak version “defriend”; proper English won out.) But my question, as always, is whether a decluttering of your black book – like you might a drawer of kitchen appliance warranties – makes life better. Come take a walk with me on this one.
- Truth is, I have too many friends. Again, you get what I mean. Our circles have expanded, we’re stupidly bogged down in life admin and many of us have become friend whores, accumulating hundreds (thousands?) of friends on Twitter and Facebook. Exerts call these “weak ties”. We had no idea this would happen when we signed up. But that’s what technology does – it moves faster than us. Now, we’re swamped with weak ties.
- I’m constantly saying to people I run into whose friendship I’ve neglected, “We really should catch up”, while thinking, “Oh, God, not another thing I have to follow up on”. This ubiquitous “catch up” line is the latest signpost of how unbalanced we’ve become, don’t you think? Boy, does it make us cringe.
- Indeed, an oft-quoted scientific study has found humans are hard-wired to handle a maximum of 150 relationships at a time. Exceed this “Dunbar’s Number”, as it’s termed, and we don’t cope. Right now, I’m hovering 3200 friends above my DN.
- Now, let’s backtrack to my parents’ day. My Mum and Dad had a dozen friends or so who all had kids and fondue parties together. Then there were “the neighbours” and the “playgroup mums”. So, three circles of friends on the same wavelength. Simple. This generation were lucky to reach their Dunbar number in a lifetime.
- Thus, this friender-bender we’re experiencing has prompted a stream of self-help experts to suggest we defer to how it was in our parents’ day. Would you actually have a coffee – or brass goblet of Chablis at a theatre restaurant – with this Facebook pal? No? Then defriend. Another tip I stumbled on this week: create separate sites for your weak ties and close friends. I contemplated this for the time it took it to realize that that just created more life admin hell. Then this: Suicidemachine is a site that can conduct friend annihilation for you by wiping – sniper-like – your social networks without a trace. I hovered over the button. But stalled. Here’s why.
- Our weak ties can turn strong.I’ve actually developed incredibly intimate friendships via Twitter with people I’d never have met otherwise. I became friends with a guy from sharing similar views on current affairs, and humour and wound up holidaying with him, his wife and their mates over summer.
- Our weak ties can keep loose ends together. Those (ostensibly inane) status updates allow us to at least know what we’ve been up to in each others’ absence. “Oh, you’ve weaned Jack off the dummy!” “Bugger that the aphids took to the basil.”And, “Oh, it’s your birthday!” We then buy flowers. Or send condolences. Or whatever.
So, where’s this leave things? Do we need to declutter our relationships of weak ties down to 150? Well, here’s what I arrived at after conferring with nine friends this week. Rather than simplifying friend numbers, it’s probably better to simplify our expectations. Our Dunbar Number is no longer fixed – friends flow in and out, via different forums, as they need to, as we need their connection. The people in our lives, after all, are a merely a reflection of us and where we’re at; when they no longer serve us, they naturally drop off the radar. Or don’t turn up to dinner. We simply need to let them.
Which renders defriending unnecessary. If we let relationship flow as they need to, and simply gravitate to intimacy that serves us, as we find it, we’ll probably find our Dunbar number naturally reinstates.
As I fumed into my olives on Thursday I sent out a Tweet about my predicament. A random colleague was in the area and dropped in for a sherry. We would never have met otherwise.
Sarah – very relevant message in this time of people confusing “fans” and “followers” as being friends. I like your use of “intimacy” and believe you use it in the context of how it’s intended. Intimacy takes time, requires joining of two hearts and a willingness to give to another. We all need friends who will “fight for us” when things get tough and just be there when we need to vent, cry, laugh or just yell at life. I’ve found that being a good friend is probably the start of having good friends and involves working through the many superficial “friendship flings” that arise through having periods of common interests, such as work, sporting teams, etc. I love the fact my wife still has 3 or 4 dear friends from her school and immediate post-school days who I know will always “fight for her” whenever required.
[...] at times we may have been the bad friend or the one whose behaviour needed to be addressed or as Sarah Wilson says in today’s Sunday Life magazine, perhaps we should just lower our [...]
Ian, as always, thoughtful thoughts. The “fan” thing is an intriguing one… very much part of being a media (and beyond) player these days, but sits so uncomfortably for anyone who finds the tug of the ego irksome and something that needs to be kept in check. I struggle with it… but do tend to veer things toward “relationship” and connection, rather than worrying about the definition of “friend”.
Happy Sunday!
I collect friends like I plan to collect fine jewellery. Each is precious, treasured and comes with a rich story. My collection is priceless
Like any fine collection, my friendships represent key areas of my life. My friends have been a keystone in supporting me to get through HSC, tertiary studies, marriage, divorce, job loss, career changes, challenges of trying to fall pregnant and then navigating parenthood. Sure there have been friendships that have come and gone but on the whole I form friendships that last.
However I always struggle when key friendships in my life change as we transition different life stages or navigate obstacles or challenges….try and understand what has gone wrong, what I can do more of to fix it.
so this comment from you “Which renders defriending unnecessary. If we let relationship flow as they need to, and simply gravitate to intimacy that serves us…” is a breathe of fresh air because it is simply about being & acceptance.
Hmm the concept of friendship and of friends. Reminds me of your relationship article. What is a friend? Are they people we “must” catch up with every so often? Or is it just enough that we know them and are prepared to be friendly towards them? I would say most of the time that is enough. It at least fosters goodwill and community. Many people at work I’d know little more than their name and do little more than greet them. But even this makes me feel more connected (to them and the workplace) and enjoy work more. No one would recommend people go through life unfriendly.
Just how much would be saved by defriending? I guess having 1000’s on Facebook would be hard for some. But I’m guessing most of the time the weak-tie friends comments could be quickly glossed over, no differently to flicking through a magazine or a periodical, along with other tricks. Thus they add a few minutes extra ‘work’ a week. So weak friends are not a big deal.
But paradoxically they completely ARE a big deal. It’s useful having friends, be them people whose shoulders you’d cry on or near-strangers you gratefully acknowledge on the daily commute. As you say some ties strengthen. But also these connections might lead to all sorts of other opportunities later. Why would you want to dis-connect?
I think you’re right, Sarah. I have done the defriending thing. Twice. They were both best friends at some point, until I had a revelation that the friendships were soul-destroying. But even though I feel justified in ending the friendships, I still feel guilty. Am I a mean, heartless person that I can walk away from a close friendship? They were not good friends to me but surely I must be worse for abandoning the relationship altogether? I have come to the conclusion that defriending is not good for my self-esteem. In the future, I will gently ease away from the friendship and continue to convincingly pretend that I like them very much. In theory, it seems shallow and fake but in practice it is just more kind and pleasant for everybody involved.
Laura, don’t feel guilty for cutting people out of your life because they made you feel bad. You’re in a situation where you can’t win: either you feel bad because that’s the effect they have on you, or you fell bad for cutting them out.
I would much rather be the latter person. I have cut people out of my life before. I felt bad at the time, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
And as a person who has at times suffered from low self-esteem, please don’t try to handle it all on your own. Because the bottom line is that you can’t.
I defriended my best friend 10 years ago – and it was the best thing to do. I reconnected with her on facebook after we both lost significant people in our lives…whilst we will never get back to where we are, it’s nice to know that we can move on and be civil.
I’m in the process on cleaning out my fb friend list – using the ‘would I want to have coffee with these people’ approach. so far so good.
I think it’s better to just try and ease your way out of a friendship than end it altogether but that’s easier said than done. I ran into a girl at the gym today who let me down badly and I’ve been trying to keep it civil and say hello to her but she gave me a dirty looktoday and I honestly felt like slapping her. It’s better to lower your expectations with friends but you also need to also know where to draw the line and to stop people walking all over you. I’d rather just be civil to people than pretend a friendship I didn’t really feel and where I felt I wasn’t being respected.
Your absolutely right about letting friendships take their course naturally and people coming in and out of our lives just because thats life. But, what about those friendships that you want to last forever and then suddenly you start drifting apart? Should you let life take the wheel or should you do something about it?