Comments on: sunday life: so, defriending is word of the year, but does it make life read better?

By: Lynda

Lynda — Mon, 24 May 2010 07:50:05 +0000

Your absolutely right about letting friendships take their course naturally and people coming in and out of our lives just because thats life. But, what about those friendships that you want to last forever and then suddenly you start drifting apart? Should you let life take the wheel or should you do something about it?

By: Gillian

Gillian — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 10:29:19 +0000

I think it’s better to just try and ease your way out of a friendship than end it altogether but that’s easier said than done. I ran into a girl at the gym today who let me down badly and I’ve been trying to keep it civil and say hello to her but she gave me a dirty looktoday and I honestly felt like slapping her. It’s better to lower your expectations with friends but you also need to also know where to draw the line and to stop people walking all over you. I’d rather just be civil to people than pretend a friendship I didn’t really feel and where I felt I wasn’t being respected.

By: Linda

Linda — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:58:50 +0000

I defriended my best friend 10 years ago – and it was the best thing to do. I reconnected with her on facebook after we both lost significant people in our lives…whilst we will never get back to where we are, it’s nice to know that we can move on and be civil.

I’m in the process on cleaning out my fb friend list – using the ‘would I want to have coffee with these people’ approach. so far so good.

By: Chantelle

Chantelle — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:45:07 +0000

Laura, don’t feel guilty for cutting people out of your life because they made you feel bad. You’re in a situation where you can’t win: either you feel bad because that’s the effect they have on you, or you fell bad for cutting them out.

I would much rather be the latter person. I have cut people out of my life before. I felt bad at the time, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

And as a person who has at times suffered from low self-esteem, please don’t try to handle it all on your own. Because the bottom line is that you can’t.

By: Laura

Laura — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 19:39:27 +0000

I think you’re right, Sarah. I have done the defriending thing. Twice. They were both best friends at some point, until I had a revelation that the friendships were soul-destroying. But even though I feel justified in ending the friendships, I still feel guilty. Am I a mean, heartless person that I can walk away from a close friendship? They were not good friends to me but surely I must be worse for abandoning the relationship altogether? I have come to the conclusion that defriending is not good for my self-esteem. In the future, I will gently ease away from the friendship and continue to convincingly pretend that I like them very much. In theory, it seems shallow and fake but in practice it is just more kind and pleasant for everybody involved.

By: David

David — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 13:55:32 +0000

Hmm the concept of friendship and of friends. Reminds me of your relationship article. What is a friend? Are they people we “must” catch up with every so often? Or is it just enough that we know them and are prepared to be friendly towards them? I would say most of the time that is enough. It at least fosters goodwill and community. Many people at work I’d know little more than their name and do little more than greet them. But even this makes me feel more connected (to them and the workplace) and enjoy work more. No one would recommend people go through life unfriendly.

Just how much would be saved by defriending? I guess having 1000’s on Facebook would be hard for some. But I’m guessing most of the time the weak-tie friends comments could be quickly glossed over, no differently to flicking through a magazine or a periodical, along with other tricks. Thus they add a few minutes extra ‘work’ a week. So weak friends are not a big deal.

But paradoxically they completely ARE a big deal. It’s useful having friends, be them people whose shoulders you’d cry on or near-strangers you gratefully acknowledge on the daily commute. As you say some ties strengthen. But also these connections might lead to all sorts of other opportunities later. Why would you want to dis-connect?

By: jo-living savvy

jo-living savvy — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 09:49:13 +0000

I collect friends like I plan to collect fine jewellery. Each is precious, treasured and comes with a rich story. My collection is priceless

Like any fine collection, my friendships represent key areas of my life. My friends have been a keystone in supporting me to get through HSC, tertiary studies, marriage, divorce, job loss, career changes, challenges of trying to fall pregnant and then navigating parenthood. Sure there have been friendships that have come and gone but on the whole I form friendships that last.

However I always struggle when key friendships in my life change as we transition different life stages or navigate obstacles or challenges….try and understand what has gone wrong, what I can do more of to fix it.

so this comment from you “Which renders defriending unnecessary. If we let relationship flow as they need to, and simply gravitate to intimacy that serves us…” is a breathe of fresh air because it is simply about being & acceptance.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 06:30:37 +0000

Ian, as always, thoughtful thoughts. The “fan” thing is an intriguing one… very much part of being a media (and beyond) player these days, but sits so uncomfortably for anyone who finds the tug of the ego irksome and something that needs to be kept in check. I struggle with it… but do tend to veer things toward “relationship” and connection, rather than worrying about the definition of “friend”.
Happy Sunday!

By: 30 is the new black » Five toxic friends you can do without

30 is the new black » Five toxic friends you can do without — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 04:54:29 +0000

[...] at times we may have been the bad friend or the one whose behaviour needed to be addressed or as Sarah Wilson says in today’s Sunday Life magazine, perhaps we should just lower our [...]

By: Ian

Ian — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 00:39:58 +0000

Sarah – very relevant message in this time of people confusing “fans” and “followers” as being friends. I like your use of “intimacy” and believe you use it in the context of how it’s intended. Intimacy takes time, requires joining of two hearts and a willingness to give to another. We all need friends who will “fight for us” when things get tough and just be there when we need to vent, cry, laugh or just yell at life. I’ve found that being a good friend is probably the start of having good friends and involves working through the many superficial “friendship flings” that arise through having periods of common interests, such as work, sporting teams, etc. I love the fact my wife still has 3 or 4 dear friends from her school and immediate post-school days who I know will always “fight for her” whenever required.