sunday life: in which I be thoroughly me
This week I “Be Sarah” (which may or may not involve rolling around in bed in luxurious knits)
I have this problem. I’m a really bad party-goer. I can’t seem to stay at them, and my personality grinds to a glazed-over halt whenever I’m forced to. Standing in restrictive going-out garb on a Friday or Saturday night, being shouted at in my left ear by booze-addled, distracted people is my idea of purgatory.
Over the years I’ve developed some unique tricks to circumvent them. I ride my pushbike to nightclubs – in heels and the full regalia – so I can make easy, and early, getaways. Or I arrange to meet friends beforehand for dinner and then rack off at ten to leave everyone to whoop their way into the night without me.
I’ve always wished I could party. I’ve persisted at them for years. But recently – and it took years of rubbing the cat’s fur the wrong way to get to this juncture – I’ve worked out that parties and me, well, we’re a square peg and a big round hole.
It’s funny. I’ve been on this search for “a better life” for some time and it’s involved slaying through all manner of gnarly resistance and ego-protecting armour. It’s been exhausting. But, frankly, not as exhausting as living with the resistance, as many of us do. We do stuff daily that grates with our true selves – go to gyms, meet the same toxic friends for brunch each month and remain in cul-de-sacd careers – often for decades. Such sustained disconnect eventually renders us unable to access our true selves, to know what we really like.
But this week I stumbled upon advice that addresses this pervasive issue head-on. American writer Gretchen Rubin started a “Happiness Project” blog two years ago and it’s now a New York Times bestselling book. I got an advance copy this week and leaping from page 10 was this salient lesson: “Be Gretchen”. As in, “Be [insert your own name here]’”.
Gretchen worked out she didn’t like doing stuff everyone else found “fun”, and that happiness was about embracing her Gretchen-ness and doing what she liked doing, such as reading kids’ books and collecting bluebirds. She won’t ever be the kind of crazy cad to jet off to Paris or go to a jazz club at midnight. Which makes her sad. But it’s just not her.
As she laments, “you can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do”. Which is just so damn true; I think I’ll make it my email signature.
walking up mountains and wearing beanies is very ME
Sure, but how do you work out what you like doing so you can then go about doing it? The gazillion-dollar question, right? Gretchen advises thinking back to what you liked doing as a kid. Which is very Jungian and fine if you can recall a time when you weren’t trying to fit in to the collective’s idea of fun.
Me, I thought the challenge could be tackled by signing on to a dating site. Not to date, but to go through the process of filling out the questionnaires that ask you what you like to read, how you like spending weekends and what kind of person you’d like to love you. Yep, odd, but I figured it was a nifty way to be forced to consider what it is that makes me me. There’s nothing like knowing you’re about to be judged by thousands of strangers to hone your attention. And to ensure you get the sales pitch right.
So this is what I came up with. I don’t like drinking pina coladas, hen’s days, going to malls on weekends, taking photos when travelling (it disrupts the flow; I punished myself for years trying to capture my holidays because “that’s what you’re meant to do”), organized sports, car chase movies or lying by pools. I like dinner parties, grilled figs, adrenalin-fuelled solo sports and talking in tents. When I got stuck on a question (what do you prefer, adventure or DVD nights?) I visualized myself doing the activity. If it appeared in colour it was “me”, in black and white it wasn’t, and indicated resistance.
The final chapter in this experiment, of course, is to start living out your preferences. Which takes practice, and fighting the urge to revert to work or “duty” when it gets a bit hard. As Gretchen says, you have to schedule time for fun. Me, I generally find Friday and Saturday these days pretty free.
I’m not a party person either but it took me until about 35 to realise this. Now I just don’t go.
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Thank you Sarah! After feeling lame/loserish after declining yet another saturday night party invitation last night, this article was the best thing I could wake up to. The only thing is, I don’t like to be alone every friday/saturday night. If only I had some company who would embrace knitting-movie nights…
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My Husband has always been comfortable in his own skin, he has never given a toss about what anyones else thinks, which is what attracted me to him in the first place.
Me – I lived in fear of judgement and not fitting in….until a couple of years ago when I met an amazing woman named Louise Laffey…not enough space or time to explain the transformation here in this space but have a look at http://www.wish8.com . I think you guys would have a great synergy
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I can’t believe how strongly this resonates with me. I’ve struggled for the past few years to justify why I never seem to share the ‘fun’ everyone else is having when they’re out getting plastered on a Friday/Saturday/even Midweek night. Now the challenge is trying to rediscover what makes me feel good, and finding people who share the same interests. Thank you for giving me the motivation to take the challenge!
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March 21st, 2010 at 5:06 pm
try going on to RSVP.com and filling in the forms. Just as an experiment. It gets you into the right space…
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Thank you for this Sarah, I cannot believe I got to be over 60 before I learn’t to be just me! There is one kind of party I do go to, and they are ones run by friends who are happy if I help out. This way I can spend the whole night handing out food or pouring drinks, that way I get to talk to everyone but no one thinks it is rude when you move away – to hand food to someone else. As well, whenever it gets too much you can hide in the kitchen and do dishes…….. friends love you for that!
An other things I have learnt, is that it is absolutely wonderful to go to the movies on your own. You don’t have to talk to anyone while you watch the credits! You can just sit and enjoy the slow return to normal life.
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March 21st, 2010 at 5:05 pm
I like that – “sit and enjoy the slow return to normal life”…I also love going to movies on my own.
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Fyona,
Is that site http://www.thewish8.com/ ?
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OMG Sarah! I’ve felt like this since I was 5 years old – thank u so much for writing about it. I’ve never liked New Years Eve parties, don’t “get” parties, or queuing to get into “the latest club or restaurant”.
I’m now 40 and have accepted that “I’m a black sheep!” The one who prefers to stay home on Sat nights, who loves her own company (even though I’m happily married with a husband who’s my best friend).
I now get comments that “I wish I could be like you…”
Thanks again!
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March 22nd, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Hey Kylie, love that. YOu must be radiating a good, strong happy vibe. And others are wanting to buy into it. The best thing we can do out there is “be our message”. Be it and believe it.x
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I loved your column today Sarah. Just last week I was at the toyshop buying presents for yet another of my kids’ friends birthday parties, when I spotted a little toy that caught my eye. Instead of buying it for my daughter, I bought it for myself. And that was such a liberating feeling! And I think I might keep doing it- for a while at least
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I really enjoyed this post, its actually quite ‘dense’ in a sense (i am hilarious right?! i just mean there is plenty of food for thought)…
anyway, as it happens, i do like to party, but thats not what i got from this, instead it called to mind the struggle i had this weekend when i ‘exposed’ some of my inner struggles to a group of people i barely knew. it was excruciating. but i have since been thinking, and this post helped, that this is me. so what if i put that out there? where else should i be putting it? its me, and i, more than anyone, best get on with accepting that
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March 22nd, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Totally get you! When you’re “being you”, you attract the people who are meant to be around you….
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At parties, I am the person sitting in the corner having a D & M with a stranger, trying to avoid eye contact with the people I haven’t seen since high school FOR A REASON…
Off to fill out some RSVP forms
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Love this!! I am so not a party person either so loved your article and the comments that have come with it. I’m not a loner but like my own space and can happily do things solo. Glad I am not alone or weird for this!
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Hello Sarah,
You make life sound so complicated.
I try to live my life according to a simple philosophy:
Let your thoughts be pure
Let your words be true
Give love and attention
To whatever you do
John Chen
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August 14th, 2011 at 11:13 pm
Love that john!
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Love the “doing” suggestion of filling in the form on a dating site to “meet” the real you.
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Yesterday I read your article “THIS WEEK I…resolve to “be Sarah’,
as I read I shed a tear, I had only just had a conversation with my
husband about how displaced I feel as I dislike going out late at
night, I don’t like getting drunk and I feel like a loser because my
friends make fun of me. It has caused me to always doubt myself and I
feel, to live a false life, I have often felt depressed and that there
was not a real place for me in the world and to question myself “am I
really just a party pooper”. My husband advised me to find a book on
finding yourself and all it took was to read your article and a light
bulb when on. I love breakfast, I love lunch, I love going to bed
with a good book and I love waking up with a fresh head. For the last
18 years I have struggled to find myself “the thing to do is go out at
night and it seems amongst my friends getting drunk is fun, 37 years
old and it took your article for me to see the light. I look forward
to 2010 with a fr
esh mind and new out look for me, where I discover more things I like
to do and resolve to be Zoe
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Thanks, Sarah, for such a wonderful piece. It brightened up my Sunday night (I only got to read the paper at night, too busy going out the whole of Sunday!)
It takes a bit of searching to know what we like to do. I think end of the day, it’s also about sharing who you are and what you like with your friends, family and others. It does not matter what manner it takes. Party is certainly one of the easiest and accessible ways. Doing solo sports is another, yes.
I think it’s also about being comfortable with ourselves, and having enough self assurance to do things considered ‘less popular’ by our peers and the so-called mainstream majority.
And I think we can take own time to find this out. That’s the greatest joy of all.
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A great entry Sarah – I could relate to how you feel. I’m in my mid/late 20s and never ‘got’ the drinking/partying scene. Partly because it’s an expensive ‘hobby’ but also my asian genes + alcohol aren’t a happy match at all (I end up being grumpy and have an awful time which is the complete opposite to everyone else).
Sometimes, for a minute I feel like I’m missing out on ‘something’, but quickly realise I’d rather be in my pj’s watching a DVD or baking/cooking!
I’m an old soul aren’t I? lol – still waiting to form friendships with others in my age group who feel the same way as I do…
For now – I’m definitely not regretting being just me.
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To be honest this is probably the first time i have read your article and what a week to choose to do so! I have always been more than happy to be at home on a Friday or Saturday night with my dog, a DVD and a glass of wine… but there is always that underlying feelng that you are missing out on something you should be doing, to be like everyone else.
Your article and the above comments have opened my eyes and I somehow feel better about the way i like to live…..generally sober, well slept, up for the sunrise and feasting on fine food.
It’s funny that we always think we are the only one.
Next weekend i will “Be Jane” and be reading your article.
Thank You!
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i can really relate to the dating site method of learning about yourself, in a slightly different way to why you did it.
Lost my wife suddenly a little over a year ago and struggled with existence for awhile. Helped myself out of it by writing my profile on a dating site, as a cathartic exercise, and it was very helpful. Went the whole hog and published it, mostly because that was part of the exercise. Show yourself, your real self, to the world. Here I am. This is me. life does go on.
Not really designed to attract the opposite sex but hey I’ve made a couple of platonic friends and you never know who you might meet.
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Loved your article Sarah….I vowed after reading it I’m simply going to be ‘Greg’. Even just writing that I feel the pressure lift!
)
I,like you, hate large noisy parties (the vision of you heading off to a party on your ‘pushy’ still makes me smile) and prefer enjoying a little music, nice food and good conversation about anything at all (except football) with a few people. I would love to share a dinner as you described it (next time I’m in Sydney?..I wouldn’t ride my bike though,it’s a bit far
PS :I don’t know what I’d do without your Sunday Life column every week..You make me feel normal again (teehee) ..Seriously, I had withdrawal symptoms over the Christmas break when your Sunday Life article went on hols!
Greg (Pls come share a chai with me next time you’re in Newcastle – I live right near Darby Street eatstreet in Cooks Hill
)
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This is such a refreshing article. I too dislike the whole crazy party thing and I’m glad there are others like me out there! Thanks for making my day.
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It sounds like a few commentators may fall in the category of ‘introvert’. Although, to escape the label of what may (mistakenly) sound like a social curse, it’s probably best to say that one prefers specific introvert activities. The good news is that introverts can be happy, successful and, in fact, make excellent leaders. Here are some resoures if anyone wants to find out a bit more about this personality type which has for some time been at the mercy of the extroverts’ agenda.
http://www.theintrovertedleaderblog.com/
http://www.theintrovertadvantage.com/being.html
http://www.wagele.com/Introvert.html
http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/extraversion-or-introversion.asp
A proud ‘innie’
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It’s reaffirming to know I’m not the only one who feels caught between racing to the next 21st of ‘a very good friend’ and simply looking after myself. I have only recently realised importance of spending that bit of down time to connect with myself before I’m ready to connect with the world. This has been a surprisingly pleasant discovery. I love seeing friends and catching up but not when I recognise that the experience will be more draining than engaging. Cheers Sarah, for another illuminating piece.
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nice post. thanks.
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Hi Sarah and all the other party softies out there. I too resonate very strongly with your sentiment. In my teens & early twenties, I was always the designated driver left propping myself up against a wall wearily hoping my mates would get sick of snogging, drinking and flailing about like lunatics on the dance floor so I could go home and rest my eyelids.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my friends and I love being social but I’ve always been sensitive to noise, alcohol and not partial to drunken slobbering. I’ve found a happy medium as it sounds like you have, for example I saw the Pixies the other night at Festival Hall which was fantastic, but I had my earplugs in and I would have brought a thermos of chai and a knee rug if they’d not been so strict on the door. Needless to say I went straight home afterwards, elated, sober and not half deaf.
I think it really comes down to one’s constitution; sensitive types are not always celebrated in our society so we tend to push ourselves beyond the point of enjoyment just to fit it.
It’s so nice when you finally accept who you are and find that medium where you’re not a social outcast but you’re able to meet your own needs as well.
Thank-you
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Greg,
yes it is http://www.thewish8.com – also check out the Facebook page for Wish game events
Cheers,
Fy
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[...] wrote about how I joined a dating site a few weeks back, by way of applying myself to the process of consciously working out what I like [...]
after reading this one short blog post I’ve decided that I’m going to leave my girlfriend of three years and peruse a live of drunken debauchery. There is nothing in life that I enjoy more than fornicating with a drunken stranger.
Thank you Sara,
Ben
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July 20th, 2010 at 5:45 pm
i take no responsibility!!
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But why is it that while introverted people are often made to feel odd or lame or sad or out of touch with humanity, extroverted people never seem to feel that way? Statistically, they are just as “abnormal” as we are! Why is that?
And, why, When you are busy and away from home a lot, it feels good to be at home alone for a while. But the opposite is not necessarily true. The more time you spend at home alone, the less you want to get out. Socialising becomes a chore.
I think there is more going on here…
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[...] a little bit like the idea of being “thoroughly me” which I wrote about a while back. When you work out what makes you YOU, it’s so liberating. [...]
Wow! And when the hell did people decide to conform to what is apparently ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in this life. When did it become the norm to do what others are doing in a bid to find happiness, or even the smallest fleeting feeling of euphoria, worthiness, or rather 8 hours of drunken stupor “Because it’s just like so much fun Omg”. Well, what is fun? Is it what others around you, or your toxic friends seem to be enjoying? Is it when you so desperately try to enjoy ‘X’ when really, deep down in every conscious part of you, you would rather be doing ‘Y’? Oh no, no, no people, fun is quite literally whatever you choose it to be, not what others choose for you. Sometimes it takes people far too many years to really figure out what they do and don’t like. Or unfortunately not so much the case of not knowing what one likes, as much as not letting one’s-self do what one likes. I think most of the time we try to fit in, include ourselves, or even portray ourselves in a certain way so that we can be a part of something, even for just one night or moment. Well guess what? you’re wasting your time, because there really isn’t anything more valuable than personal happiness, – key word being personal. Don’t for one second think that the elusive quest we all go on is for the fulfilment of others, it’s for the fulfilment of you. So stop kidding yourself and just do the things you honestly like to do. It doesn’t matter if people judge you, or try to make you feel small or incomplete as a 21st century human being. It just doesn’t matter. Because the more you do those things that just aren’t fun for you, the more you resist doing the things you really do care about. Embrace your You-ness. Nobody really cares about anyone but themselves, you see. And there is nothing wrong with this – in fact it couldn’t be more right. Because we forever make choices that better us and make us feel closer to who we really are and where we really want to be going. So if you thought that perhaps, reading cook books on a saturday night, with countless cups of herbal tea, whilst watching documentaries about planet Earth and the Solar System – was ‘uncool’ – Nope, your fooled. Because everyone is different, hence why we are urged to be individuals from such an early age, choosing hobbies and preferences because they just feel right. So, do what feels right. Do what feels good and what makes your soul ignite. If you happen to be one of ‘those’ kinds of people whom get not a single feeling of excitement from going out clubbing or drinking, then cheers to you, because guess what? You simply don’t like it. Above all, I think most of us love someone who is completely comfortable and content within themselves. I believe it’s what we all strive for, and It’s kind of inspiring to see a person in all their awkward, unconventional glory – being totally okay with it. Yeah they dress a little different? Sure they like reading fantasy novels? And collecting antique owl figurines? but they take no notice, and they make no effort. They’re living their own life and writing their own story. They’re not proving a point, they’re making a point. And at the end of the day, just choose. Choose this or that, and not because someone else is influencing you, but because its what you genuinely prefer. Just have your own fun, whatever that may be. If you can happily say that you like doing something considered ‘less popular’ by our peers and the mainstream majority – then my friend, you have discovered one of life’s many treasures. To just be YOU.
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What is the best way to plant a flower garden?
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sarah can i please intern for you? as a 100 percent eager yet free and willing aspiring writer.!!!!!
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This was so super interesting! I always feel like I don’t fit in and for years I have felt so bad about who I am.. Time to take some power back, it seems!
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Party and Fun, are funny concepts that obviously have different meanings for every one. There are people that revel in the grog and laughter as it goes exponentially louder, people like me that pike off, and those that don’t go at all. I like to party and have fun, but when I can’t hear myself think or can’t think I know it is time to go for my sake and everyone else’s. Cheers to you all that like a party.
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