Sunday Life: the gorgeous value of strangers
This week I embrace my “consequential strangers”
Down the road from my place is one of those cheap nail bars with the vibrating vinyl chairs and wall-mounted TVs that’s always screening Dr Phil. I’m not a fancy nail person; I tear or chew mine. But one of my Favourite Things To Do In The Whole World is to go in for a $25 pedi, merely to take part in the funny human vibe of this place.
I love it. There you have Lena and her extended family from Vietnam buzzing with the efficiency of drone bees and bossing around the well-heeled, alpha-female PR executives and eastern suburbs wives who frequent the joint, telling them to choose their polish colour faster and berating them for putting their shoes on too early.
Gorgeously, it’s a social contract that suits everyone. There’s no more cheerful place in the ‘hood on a Saturday morning. Nor a more intimate one. Oh, the stories that are shared over at the acrylic bar!
And therein lies the appeal of the “consequential stranger”. The kid who makes you coffee, the woman in accounts, the guy at the vegetable shop who goes out back to get you a zucchini after they’ve packed up for the night – these people play an increasingly nourishing role in our lives. Our close relationships are not what they were. Marriage is no longer forever and busy lives have watered down our connections with family and friends. And so we’re seeking out different kinds of intimacy. Perhaps even a little experimentally.
The New York Times recently ran a trend feature on Manhattanites who buy apartments for their views into others’ lives (on the street, in apartments across the way). Creepy? Not really. Sociologists pointed out that connecting with others as they go about their routines is good for our wellbeing. It makes us feel assured, less lonely and that we’re all “in it together”.
In Consequential Strangers: The Power of People Who Don’t Seem to Matter…But Really Do, the authors argue that when we reach out to people outside our circle, we learn more and get more excited about life. They did a study showing two-thirds of Christmas cards these days are sent to relative strangers – the plumber, the kids’ teachers, the milkman – and highlights something I’ve certainly noticed: “We disclose to people at the gym. The old rules of disclosure were, we disclose after we have a certain amount of history.” Now, not so much.
I get it. I seek out these kind of connections, but often wonder why. I hate shopping. But I like shopping for shoes because of the way the attendant fusses with fitting you, sometimes bringing out that slidy foot measurer thing. In that up-close-and-personal moment (feet are so intimate, don’t you find?), a sweet connection occurs and I always wind up having a great chat. Since I was a kid I’ve had this thing for asking strangers how they’re finding the book they’re reading. Which no doubt will have you avoiding me on the bus. But I swear, everyone I’ve pounced on has risen to the odd little occasion, mostly flattered to be asked for their opinion.
On the flipside, strangers (a guy from yoga, a mature-age student who sat at the front of my Heidegger tutorial at uni) have often emerged from nowhere to help me (with a life-changing book or unsolicited advice) at my darkest hours.
As an experiment this week, I took a good look at what goes on when we connect with these kind of strangers. I chatted with an old guy I see at the pool about the sadness of Autumn, had a glass of wine with the woman across the way in my apartment block who I run into at the clothes’ line and cried with the girl in the chemist who shared her breakup story with me as she filled my prescription.
Each interaction left me thoroughly uplifted. Why? Well, there’s the thrill of pushing the social envelope. It’s risky putting your heart and pride out on such a limb, but the reward is deep and refreshing when you’re caught by someone who simply sees and appreciates your humanity. There’s also, when connecting with a stranger, the freedom of being the person you want to be, not the person that a history of (gnarly? reactionary?) interactions dictates you to be. We can be surprisingly kind, heartfelt and raw with strangers because we don’t connect from a rut.
Great post Sarah, it reminds me of your efforts to seek out conversations with interesting and inspiring people (I think it started with a boxer?!), but on a kind of mirco scale. I love pushing my ‘social interactions boundary’ and seeking out people from every angle. The world is a wide, wide place and its nice to feel it brush closer sometimes
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Sarah, I really love this piece. Finding relationships in the smallest places, for both you and the other person are so wonderful in that fantastically whimsical, and sweet way that I just can’t quite explain.
Thanks for brightening up my day
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Looks like all content has been removed from the ConsequentialStrangers.com site, Sarah, so you might want to remove the link. (The ghost of the site can still be seen in Google’s cache, though!) On the other hand, there’s quite a nice article on the ideas at Wikipedia.
I’ve come to the conclusion that every conversation we have is nourishing, and the more contact we have with other people, the more serendipitous things happen for us.
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Great post, I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks Sarah!
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HI Sarah,
Your piece, ‘Consequential Strangers’ really resonated with me.
I recently showed my students a http://www.ted.com talk (How to Live to be 100) which included common characteristics found in those living to 100. One of the main characteristics was a sense of connectedness. As you say, it has been proven that those of us who have social connectedness are healthier (all dimensions) and live longer. Hardly surprising, really!
I relish the ‘community/village’ feel of my local ‘high street’ where the barista/chemist & newsagent recognise me each time I pop in – even the checkout staff who are genuinely (and pleasantly) surprised when you are willing to have a chat with them!
Thanks!
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Fantastic aticle Sarah. It really hit a chord with me. It can make your day having small but meaningful moments with “consequential strangers”. I remember walking down a street in Windsor feeling a bit depressed after a visit to a doctor. A man stopped me and asked if I was Ok . I said that I was and we had a short conversation after which the man wished me well and kissed my hand. I walked away feeling so much better. I’ve never forgotten that meeting.
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I truly believe that the more consequential strangers we have in our lives the better our quality of life. I have recently moved from Melbourne to the country and I am missing my nail bar, my coffee man, my local cafe, my hair dresser and random neighbours as much as anyone. It is those who we connect with as we go about our daily life that have a great impact.
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Loved this post Sarah! I try to strike up a conversation with strangers everyday. As a Journo student I’ve learnt that everyone has a story! I too have a habit of asking people about the books they’re reading. Just the other week I spotted a girl around my age (20) who was reading a certain chik-lit book, I asked her about it as I was on the lookout for a fun/easy read, it turns out she had less than 8 pages to go and was reading it for the second time. She was kind enough to insist I keep her copy and I’ve ran into her on the train few times since. It’s funny, I got on the train that morning with little motivation to keep my eyes open, but after I witnessed such a generous gesture I got off at my stop with a dorky smile stretched across my face.I think as people we’re generally quite curious and sometimes that little chat with the girl /guy on the train can really alter your mood on that given day.
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Sarah, thanks for finding “Consequential Strangers” and spreading the word. It’s so wonderful to realize that the idea is resonating around the world! By the way, the website was down for a few days–a very scary time for me–but now we’re up and running again.
One thing: We’re really not talking about “strangers.” The term “consequential stranger” implies that you know something about the person. As I dug into the research on relationships, it became clear that we’re in a new phase of human relatedness–when we realize the importance not just of those closest to us, but people on the periphery of our lives as well. All relationships matter. I know I see the world through a different lens now, and it definitely makes me feel better about myself and the world. Glad you discovered that, too.
Thanks for your support. Now WE are consequential strangers.
Best,
Melinda Blau
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Sarah,
I just read your article in the Sunday Life and had to post – thank you for your weekly column, I always save your column till last as I enjoy it so much. Its so true, I’ve always loved chatting to cab drivers, people I meet on the train, there’s so much richness in people’s lives that we’re able to get a glimpse of during those brief periods of connection.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts – love it!
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Sarah,
i thought i was the only one that had consequential stranger friendships and you have blown me away by having a name for it/them. its awesome. My girlfriend is actually an anti consequential stranger person its quiet embarrassing so i stop my social behaviour for a while and couldn’t help and miss more than anything these friends so they are my secret friends chat when she’s not around and vice versa anyway the relationships another story.
your article is just so true and just love theres a name for it.
Mike
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This was a nice post. I enjoy talking to strangers more than people I know. The moment I start talking to someone randomly and I see their face light up because someone is just taking a few moments of their time to talk to them makes me happy. I know I feel a little bit better when someone starts up a conversation with me. Once I was in a clothing store and the girl working in accessories kept asking me if I needed help. I thought she was being overly helpful because people have a tendency to steal in that store but she actually just wanted to talk. I asked her about her schooling and what she wanted to do when she graduated college. I told her about my photography business. After about ten minutes she left me so I could continue shopping. I thought she was really sweet and just those few moments just sharing random chit chat left me feeling better about the day.
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Sarah
I only started reading your column in Life a few weeks ago but now I can’t do without it.
How true this piece is: we take others for granted and miss out on so many benefits.
I’ve moved from an office after five years and realised I never knew the name of the guy who served me coffee all that time until the last two days. Sad really!
The other thing is to try the same approach to people you DO know. I was chatting the other night at a barbeque to a guy I’ve know a bit for years. I know him as a drummer and have played with him a few times. It turns out he’s a scientist involved with viruses and we had a really interesting talk about all sorts of things to do with that.
You only know people by connecting with them and you only know yourself through exactly the same lens! While I’m involved in the software business, all the Facebooking is not the same as being face-to-face and talking and listening.
From four years of working with an amazing life coach I’ve learnt that connections and a sense of tribe and belonging is hugely important to me. I believe we are all about the same in this respect.
For a fabulous song about belonging listen to “Many’s the Time” by Tim Finn.
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When I shifted to Sydney 3 years ago and knew absolutely noone apart from the Black Dog who threatened to set up a permanent place in my life, my only “friends” were the strangers who worked at the butchers, the bakery, the fruit shop and the chicken shop.
I take them a small gift each Christmas as a quiet gesture of thanks that these people made me feel a little less lonely and meant I could end each day knowing I had had a conversation with someone.
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May 4th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Lisa…lovely!
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Great site. A lot of useful information here. I’m sending it to some friends!
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I love this post. I love strangers, don’t you ever wonder that if you’ll ever see them again?
Hm have you seen the movie ‘last stop for Paul?’
it’s a documentary about backpack travelling n the strangers/friends they meet/make along the way.
It’s an amazing movie. It’s funny, eye opening, touching at times.
It gave you that urgent feeling that makes you want to follow them backpacking.
And the way they portray the strangers are wonderful.
X
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I enjoy meeting strangers. I open and talk very openly with people I know I am going to only meet once when I am in the mood to talk. I suppose it is because I know I will not meet them again and hence my brain switches into “leave an impression” mood. Sometimes strangers can open up my perspective and give me advice which can change my life forever. It depends on where I meet these strangers tho if we really click this strangers can eventually become my friends.
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Interesting blog! Keep up the good work!
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Rather than produce the same old content you have taken this subject to a whole new level . Kudos for not following the standard writing crowd.
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[...] I know sometimes those kind of encounters can get creepy, fast, but when they don’t, they’re really kind of fun. There is some merit to this, I’ve read about our need to connect with strangers on Sarah Wilson’s blog and you might like to read it too. [...]