people who irritate me
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
– Carl Jung
I’ve been living and breathing this quote lately. I get irritated very easily. Slow walkers drive me mental. Men who grunt loudly at yoga. Talk-back listeners who get righteous about stuff they know little about…. What’s worse (for me) is that these days I’m 100% aware of it as it happens. I’m at That Brink where I’m aware of my faults, but, like an old reptile, can’t stop acting out the bad behaviour. It’s like watching a movie where we know what calamity is about to befall the protaganist. DON’T DO IT, we scream. But we – the protaganist in our lives – do it anyway, robotically. Or reptilianally.
It’s all so goddamn painful and tedious.
But, I ask you, what are other people other than a mirror to ourselves? Without other people we would have no idea who we were. Nothing to reflect off, to ricochet off. Have you noticed that at certain times in your life you’ve attracted certain kinds of people into your life? I went through a phase of attracting very materialistic, ego-driven men. Men who owned Mustangs. Men who owned 36 pairs of designer jeans. It was during a time that I was exploring my own attachment to money. The period lasted four years. It took me that long to get to the bottom of my issues with money – my overall disdain for it. I needed these men in my life, to play out before me my own prejudices and hangups. U.G.L.Y. But helpful.
I’ve just got off the phone chatting to Laura Munson, whose book This is Not The Story You Think It Is is about to be published here. It’s a friggen amazing book. With a great title, yeah? Buy it using my little dinkus thing to the right, if you like. The book is fresh and astute. And it quotes Rumi and Rilke.
I won’t give too much away (because I’m writing my Sunday Life column about our chat). But she gave me a wonderful insight into the role of others in our lives. The book is about how her husband woke up one day and said he didn’t love her. She didn’t buy his line. But went through hell sorting through the issues and steering the two of them back on track.
We chatted this morning about the gift of pain. She said she was grateful for her experience because she grew from it. It was the forum for incredible growth. And for her finding her own brand of happiness for the first time. She’d learned all the philosophies and mantras over the years – from self-help books and CDs - but it wasn’t until she was forced to play them out with her husband that it finally set in.
“I had the map,” she said. “He gave me the territory.”
Other people are our territory for finding ourselves. Too true.
Ahhh the map and the territory, haven’t heard that in a while! Trick for me is not getting attached to the territory or the window out of which I view life at that time of my life.
I really relate to your article today Sarah. I’m pretty sure i’m in the same place you are in your journey and it has been incredibly frustrating (yet satisfying and fulfilling) at times. I refer to being aware of my faults but still choosing to act out on them at times. It’s quite frustrating I believe because I do it with awareness now. Having said that, it brings me to the last part of your article, it’s not usually until i’m in a certain amount of pain that I will usually buckle down and be more diligent in changing a dysfunctional behaviour (usually a learned coping mechanism). Thus the beauty of pain and suffering and viewing it as such.
Having done and continue to do a very confronting group every week (blokes only) in which we are urged to mirror our perceptions of one another it has been the most revealing part of my growing up. A little window opens, I get a glimpse, a little pain, the window opens further, alot more pain, acceptance and finally – hopefully change should the attitude or behaviour block me from connecting to other people or living a more fulfilling life in my own head.
Most of these things occur in little shifts throughout periods of meditation. I think if it were to occur or I was to see it all at once I would implode, or maybe explode!
It’s a beautiful topic and I love your comments today.
Have a great day.
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May 12th, 2010 at 5:58 pm
Hey James…the blokes group interests me. You’re the third guy who I’ve encountered who attends one. Actually, hang on, do you live north of Sydney? Perhaps we’ve chattted about it already? Let me know…
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Sarah – Dr Demartini talks about this a lot too – and i see it show up all the time. I take a look at each of my big relationships and try to recognize what is reflected, or what my lessons are – but one relationship I didn’t look at is with my Mother. I love her so very, very much – but she drives me crazy with her exuberance, her random talking to strangers, her lengthy storytelling, the way she looks after everyone else but herself etc etc, the list goes on… yet it is exactly what i do – just on a greater degree. The things that sh#t me about her, are exactly the things I do. She has been staying with me for the past week, and I decided to focus on the amazing woman she is – the care she shows, her love for me and her generosity in sharing her love to so many others, how amazing she is because she is so exuberant and such a connector with people. I focused on the awesomeness of who she is – and that i should be lucky to have inherited just some of these traits. With this acknowledgement also comes with the recognition that those things that she presents in her life that I think are ‘bad’ I can work on to change.
We have had the most wonderful five days together, and I feel so blessed and the luckiest girl in the world to have such an amazing mirror.
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Ahhhhhhh fantastic. True. Must find book.
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May 12th, 2010 at 5:55 pm
you can buy via me on Amazon – that link bottom right x
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Great post Sarah. So true – knowing how to live versus actually living it are very different things. Every day takes real focus & purpose I find.
I’ve been reading abit of Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron lately – great Buddhist intro books. They both talk about the “gap” between our thinking and actions – and how to “get in there, stay longer, hold & explore” to bring about habitual change. It’s very much like the stimulus/response quote from Stephen Covey the other day.
1. Taking The Leap – Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears (Pema Chodron) > http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Leap-Freeing-Ourselves-Habits/dp/1590306341/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273629522&sr=1-1
2. You Are Here (Thich Nhat Hanh) > http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Here-Discovering-Present/dp/1590306759/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273629498&sr=1-3
I thought last nights ‘Insight’ episode on SBS about Anxiety was brilliant – so enlightening that 15% of the population at any one time suffers this condition. I’ve often read that excessive irritation & impatience are anxiety based behaviours.
PS: I only have 2 pairs of jeans and a Toyota.
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May 12th, 2010 at 5:55 pm
Thich Nhat Hanh is one of my favourite mindfulness voices. And agree with you Paul re the anxiety/irritation bit….
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I particularly notice this when I get irritated with my brother – the frustration always stems from the fact that what is irritating me is a trait or habit that I also have, but wish I didn’t. The things I admire about him are the things that I DON’T have or don’t do.
Thank you Sarah, as always : )
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Hi Sarah, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and think it is absolutely wonderful, probably my fav blog to read. About 95% of your posts strike a personal chord with me, so please don’t stop =)
I am so definitely buying Laura Munson’s book, sounds fantastic. Thank you for recommending.
Also wanted to point out that I stumbled across a blog today called zenhabits.net which you may be interested in reading (if you don’t already)?? It seems to fit very nicely with the statements you make on here about making life better.
Thanks Sarah
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May 12th, 2010 at 5:53 pm
THanks Belinda…yep, I subsribe to Zenhabits…he’s a bit of a veteren now!
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Sarah, in my past life as a mental health worker I attended workshops and can clearly remember one where I discovered that what we dislike in others is most likely qualities that “live” within our shadow self ( The self that we work hard to keep hidden from ourselves and others).
I too become easily irritated. Less so now – I don’t know if it is because I have become more self aware and understanding or know which situations and people to avoid (probably a mixture of both with a slight leaning towards the latter). I tend to avoid group learning events – I become irritated in conferences at question time when people stand to ask a question and instead stand on their soapbox (I have been known to mutter loudly “that isn’t a question” ). My post graduate studies have been done by correspondence as I know that there will be one person in the group that will be like a beacon for my irritation. I also organised private birth / parenting classes instead of doing the group thing. My avoidance of situations means that I do miss out on the richness and diversity of learning within a group brings. That is the price I pay for being irritated by (some) people.
I also know that I now more open to the idea of other people being our territory for self discovery and although the journey can be bumping along the buzz you get along the way is worth it!
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Yes, I agree with everyones comments. I like to think i’m a more improved version of my dad, god I hope so otherwise i’m going to be homer Simpson. my dad is the actually the fun and Centre of attention where ever he is. the final straw for my mum.
You can’t change people and don’t try to change them.
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Yep, same guy north of Sydney who happens to really enjoy/love the majority of your posts and subsequent comments from followers/friends.
Just visited http://www.zenhabits.net and love the site, great reinforcement.
Came across this Rumi poem yesterday in my reading and wrote it down to put in my wallet…..loved it:
This ‘being human’ is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Got that poem from a book called Zen Big Mind by Genpo Roshi.
Email me at james_moran@live.com.au if you want to chat about the Men’s Group thingy or other.
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One last thing because this is a subject close to my heart at the moment and something I read recently:
‘Those things you’re most convinced are really, truly, seriously BAD are what some call your Shadow – aspects of yourself that you have repressed. Because they are disowned, they come out in a dysfunctional way. When you see them in others, they strongly affect you emotionally. Others see these things, too, but because they haven’t repressed them they aren’t grabbed by them in the same way.’ Bill Harris
Example – you may see poverty and feel angry at those you think are responsible. Someone else sees the same poverty, and feels compassion for the person, but isn’t as emotionally upset by it. This is a sign that the poverty represents, in some way, a disowned part of you. It could be that you are afraid of being poor, it could be that you feel guilty about opportunities you’ve had that this person did not have. In some way, though, there is shadow material there.
Trick, I suppose, is awareness and finding ‘what shadow part of me is this triggering?’
Takes alot of work, pain and much meditation on ‘what is’. The result, from what I can tell, is not necessarily ‘happiness’ or a pain-free life but increased choices.
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Yep. Me too. Well it’s certainly in my face right now (this topic)..Even as I listen to myself bleating about this person who I am currently irritated by and having conflict with, I have the parallel channel’s commentary of ‘hello, sound familiar… you know it’.
So I have the awareness, I still exercise blame and want to ‘hand her stuff right on back to her’, but at the same time I have taken 2 huge steps to addressing this issue in myself.
Part of my challenge has been to juggle all the conflicting thoughts and feelings: not take it all on myself (me bad), not to blame it all on her (she’s this and that and that too)… and to accept that it takes two to tango, and all I can do is address my own dance moves and work out how I can improve on my role in any pas de deux ….
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I love those little boots. xD
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Sarah, you mention in this piece that you “won’t give too much away (because I’m writing my Sunday Life column about our chat)” – which edition of Sunday Life will this column be published in so I can look out for it? I’m interested to read it.
Thanks!
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