sunday life: in which “deep talking” has a comeback
This week I talk deep
Remember the 90s? Ah, yes, they were such earnest, toe-gazing, reflective times. Folk would Quick Unpick the Nike logos off their sportswear (making branded statements was so tawdry), and debate whether you could wear lipstick and still be regarded a feminist.
Gosh, we cared back then!
In the 90s we’d have D & Ms. Which are not the same as DMs. Indeed the latter (a 140-charcters-or-less “direct message” on Twitter) is the antithesis of the former. Which, for those who weren’t there for the fun, stood for “deep and meaningfuls”, referring to the kind of conversations we liked to have. We’d also say “deep”, as kids today might say “fetch” or “amazeballs” or “hectic”.
Deep was good. Deep had currency.
So you can probably guess where all this is heading. As a paid up Gen Xer, I take great delight in signs that we might be harking back to “my day”. Or that the way we used to do things, I’ll have you know, was better. So of course I’m going to share with you news that deep is back. And that, better still, a new University of Arizona study shows deep conversations make you happier than small talk. The study highlights that humans are meant to delve deep – we’re programmed to find and create meaning in life and we’re driven to connect with each other.
I’m sure I’m not the first person to say that the past 10-15 years have seen the art of deep conversation shoved aside, along with the Reality Bites-style brown suede jackets and floral peasant dresses we all once wore. It’s been partly a time thing (we often don’t have enough of it to go beyond pleasantries), partly a technology thing (social media’s currency is short and sharp) and partly because “deep” has been deemed a downer in an era drenched in happiness doctrine and “let’s just move on” positive psychology. Many of my mates stopped reading news analysis because it “got them depressed”, which itself depressed me no end. Current affairs shows turned into gossip fests and magazines shortened their articles.
But I’m witnessing a shift. Here’s a litany of proof: The UK’s Sunday Times ran a feature recently declaring “Brainy is suddenly chic”, citing the up and up of learning groups (book clubs that are more Kierkegaard than Larsson). Everyone I know is glued to TED.com, the achingly cerebral portal featuring the best thinkers in the world speaking for under 18 minutes on a deep topic. And when they’re not, they’re going to “in conversation with” evenings on a Tuesday night at their local pub. I’ve been to two in the past month. Indeed, thinkers have become sexy. Intellect Stephen Fry is one of the most influential people on Twitter right now. Philosopher Alain de Botton is not far behind.
So this week I, of course, set out to have more D&Ms, and to see if doing so is a better option than the chat-lite diet of recent years. This entailed creating space and time; you can’t get deep on the fly or with 2010-style distractions. So, as I’ve preached here before, I created my own parameters. I turned down a party to have a quiet dinner with my friend Bill. I switched a catch-up with my friend Matt from a busy restaurant to his couch. And I took time to read the opinion pages of the Guardian, rather than just skim my igoogle homepage.
I didn’t so much worry about what was talked about; I think there are deep angles to be taken on Katie Price’s newfound interest in cage fighting, to be honest. Also, deep needn’t be dark and morose. The point is to penetrate, to peel off layers. To keep asking why, and then why again. But also to develop your own opinions, as opposed to witty soundbites and truisms (or worse, retweeting someone else’s witty soundbites and truisms).
In the process of doing so I noticed two things. First, talking deeply extends you. It’s like a game where you see what happens when you go out further on the limb. Which is not only fun (!), it also sees you reaching other people in ways you might not with an idle chat. Out on a vulnerable limb, or deep in conversation, you’re careful and mindful of what you say and give. Which creates intimacy.
Second, deep talk crowds out nasty, dangerous gossip. It’s like when you eat a hearty plate of osso bucco, it leaves no ream for fairy floss. Which is certainly a richer experience, if not a happier one.
Do you feel the same need as me to talk deeply at the moment? Got the shits with chats that are too impatient or don’t get to the heart of something, or cut corners? I hate it when chats round off with cliches, like a tabloid current affairs show. It leaves me screaming…but there’s more in my heart!!! There’s more in ALL our hearts that’s crying out to be shared!!! Don’t stop there because you’ve run out of time!!!
Yes, starved for it … so over the small talk life, deep is far more stimulating, fulfilling and energising for the brain. I discover so much with an in-depth conversation, knowledge or opinions I didn’t know I had, challenges to my thought processes from those I am engaged with.
I’ve always been a ‘deep’ person, Gen-Xer too, but it has been curbed the past 10 years and I really miss it, I didn’t realise how much I missed it until I started engaging in it again. It’s how we connect as human beings and grow and learn.
You’re always so onto it Sarah, thank you
Sam
Another sign the 90’s are back: yesterday I layby’d (yes, layby’d) a check button up shirt.. today I tried on clogs.
[...] us crave something else? Do we want to have deeper, longer and more meaningful conversations? Sarah Wilson writes about this in her latest column/blog. Here’s a few snippets: Everyone I know is glued to TED.com…And when they’re not [...]
I just read a figure stating that 50% of 18-year-olds are not enrolled to vote.
Perhaps it’s not that deep-thinking has become mainstream… it’s that like-minded thinkers have more avenues to connect with each other. As a “thinker”, I have found such forums as Twitter, Q and A, Frankie Magazine and various blogs (including this one) very helpful. I no longer feel like an outsider thanks to these platforms.
Nevertheless, I still maintain that “deepness” is a counter-culture as opposed to a mainstream cultural movement. I don’t mean to be patronising or condescending, but as a Gen Y-er I witness a lot of ignorance amongst people my age. I am a law student and most people in my course are indifferent to politics, philosophy, thinking outside the box… They care more about what Blair wore on Gossip Girl last night than the Labor government’s immigration policy. A lot of adults I know have strong views about politics but don’t delve much deeper than the newspaper headlines. They use Facebook, not twitter. They may have read Eat, Pray, Love but they’ve never watched Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk on creativity (it’s excellent, by the way).
Maybe braininess is chic in Bondi and amongst Twitter alumni but, from my observation, it hasn’t yet spread to Australian society at large. Unfortunately.
I’m not great at small talk (although I recognise there is a time and a place). This was a timely post as on Friday I shared a D & M (although briefly) we only had 30 minutes. It was actually the modern take on the D & M – jumped straight into the issue (discussing the relationship between social networking sites, oversharing and the demise of manners & personal boundaries) while we swapped ski gear & a few other practical things in our time together. I drove off feeling energised – just like after a brisk walk!
Yeah, that stat is terrifying. Will be interested to see what happens this election….
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by sarah wilson, Michelle Yan. Michelle Yan said: RT @_sarahwilson_: the rise of smart people pursuits http://bit.ly/abGcf3 [...]
So true! I love the comparason between DM and D&M. Sad its come to this!
I too find myself starved for a good talk that doesn’t end or start with ‘lol’ or ‘brb’ – grrr!
Yes, I love deepness!
Interestingly, many of the deep chats I get involved in are spurred by things I or the other person have read on the internet – on reflection, we do tend to ’slice deep’ in our internet consumption too (i.e. read on a few topics that interest us), rather than go the many-but-shallow route…
I’d tend to agree with @Laura that ‘like-minded thinkers have more avenues to connect with each other’ online. Still, we can all spread the seeds of Deep.
[...] who actually know their shit humbly share their findings, is refreshing. I mention the site in my Sunday Life column this week and have had stacks of people ask me about it. I thought it best to explain the gist with [...]
Oh my!
I just had a rushed lunch with someone, which I found deeply, if you will pardon the pun, unsatisfying.
I willingly limit my social engagements so that I can have D&M’s and spend real time with people. Not just fluttery surface stuff. Not interested.
Surface interaction is like subsisting on instant soup. Why do that when you can have the real thing?
But then, I am also a paid-up Gen X-er.
You know I was thinking about this last night and I still stand by the belief that there isn’t that much difference between generations, same fears etc, but what I was wondering was whether there has been a pendulum swing….which I find tends to occur with extremes. I’m a gen X’er (I think……i’m 39 that makes me GenX doesn’t it?) and I think that our generation unconsciously were the benefactors of a resentment of sorts. This resentment was projected onto the Gen X’s in terms of control, strictness, boundaries, responsibility etc. Was also the way that our parents were brought up but they were the product of the baby boom and started to break some very old beliefs and boundaries down. The parents of the baby boomers rejected (not necessarily directly) this and their kids for this, it was too confronting! Result – an unconscious resentment from the baby boomer gen.
So when I look at more recent generations and I will speak in terms of my friends and their kids here as I don’t have any, I think that maybe a conscious decision (mostly conscious) has been made by our generation not to bring up their kids with such strictness, control and boundaries. Maybe a pendulum swing a little too far in terms of looking for a balance.
These are just maybes……was thinking about it last night!
I tell you one thing though, from a comment made above and a theme of re enrolling to vote, if I was 18 now (and I am passionate about my politics and always have been) I wouldn’t be in a great rush to enrol. Look at the main alternatives given that we are still ruled by a Westminister bi-partisan political system that has turned to more media crazy presidential style politiking………either Julia or Tony. Well Tony speaks for himself, speaks from teh heart but so did Mark Latham and we saw how that tuned out, he’s an ultra conservative religious zealot who would like to take Australia back to the Menzies era. That’s why little Johnny loved him so much and din’t want Costello as the next leader….more of a moderate. Then there’s Julia…..I love her for being unmarried, no children, A WOMAN, even her voice but she’s a politician with little ticker at the end of the day. She proceeded to embroil herself in a fight to the right in terms of refugees and can’t and won’t make a bold stand on climate change.
So I can sort of understand a reluctance to take any interest in the invertebrate politicians that we are subjected to on TV each night.
Back to subject….I think deep talking is a great thing and I love it and miss it sometimes, I have little time for small talk and can be viewed as dismissive and aloof at times. Oh well………
As well as TED our home grown ABC Radio National is a great place to go for an extensive array of cerebal content. http://www.abc.net.au/rn/
YES! I’m an HSP, and am highly driven by DEEP, personal connections with others on a 1:1 basis. I strive to talk about things like life, the environment, sociology, laws and justice, and personal experiences. I thrive on exchanging meaningful ideas and conversations. I’ll take a quiet conversation in a park over gossip in a bar any day!
This is exactly it.
Scientists are unfolding the meaning of life; we’ve got quantum physics and relative math at our fingertips and my generation’s main interest is vajazzling.
In the realm of the cerebral, meaningful conversations trancend IQ. They are available to us all. They only require an open mind and an honest tongue.
Today we don’t have to tolerate small talk. Today we can say what is important. We can learn to abstain from flapping our lips just to know we’re still here.
Save your words; they are what bring us up to the level of the spirit.
And when you speak, let your heart scream!
Broije – very nice indeed