enough with the wobbly energy
The New York Observer posted this today about flakiness. We’re all becoming flakes – we can’t commit to anything, we turn up late, we multi-book and take the best option on the night, and often we just don’t turn up…failing to extend a reason or apology. Apparently New York is being struck by an epidemic of flakiness. And there’s a new blog, “Fuck Yeah, Socially Lazy Sloth,” whose entire raison d’être is to make fun of flakes.
I pretty much wrote the same article a few years ago for a magazine. Click on the image to read.
The Observer article goes on about how technology is meaning we’re so busy that we have to be flaky to cope. And that technology is also making it easier to be a flake – we can text someone to say we’re late or not coming, which is so much more enabling than calling, or fronting up and explaining you can’t stay. But:
The result is that New Yorkers are walking around with a gnawing feeling in their hearts that they are disappointing and insulting everyone around them.
And this, too:
As obligations proliferate and ordinarily meticulous people find themselves unable to maintain the social vigilance they expect of themselves, small emotional injuries are inflicted with unprecedented frequency. After a while, the unanswered messages start to bleed together—but while the specifics of their content may fade from memory, you remain vaguely conscious of all the people you’re ignoring, all the people who are surely extrapolating from your continued silence that they are not worth your time.
I’m really struggling with all this right now. And I’ve had to come up with ways to get around it.
This is my manifesto:
1. Respond to all requests. If it takes less than a minute, do it straight away.
2. If the invite is flakey, push back for firmness. My friend “Z” sends out emails, “shall we catch up on the weekend”. I write back “love to, tell me what you have in mind, and when”. When she comes back with a firm invite, then I reward her efforts by jumping in enthusiastically.
3. Book up in advance. I’ve come to accept this is cool. My friend “Ali” will request dinner in 3 weeks’ time. It’s a firm request. I know she doesn’t flake. Once it’s in the diary I actually look forward to it. Because it’s firm.
4. Flake as little as possible. It’s not good for the spirit to have such loose boundaries. It puts out a wobbly energy. And that’s what you’ll get back.
5. First in best dressed. Yep, sometimes a better offer comes in. But if you’ve committed, don’t flip. You never really know if something will be better than something else. When I spoke to Caroline Myss the other day she said she chooses by going with the first thing. Bang. Done. Committed. Good.
6. All that said flake if you need to. But flake firm. That is, write a considered email or make a care-full call to say you will not be making it. A piffy text fired off at the traffic lights also sends out really wobbly energy.
No one wants wobbly energy attached to them. It will make everything wobbly! Don’t you think?
It’s so easy to cancel these days…
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It’s so much more than just flaking as well. It’s things like receiving a mass-text on your phone from a recent bride and groom, thanking everyone for their gifts; or a message on facebook congratulating you on the birth of your new baby … or they’ll just click ‘like’ when photos of the new baby go up!
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Great article. I have been starting my own yes revolution of late. Having been ill for the last two years with a combination of auto-immune problems (something you may know a little about Sarah!) I used to be very flaky – I usually had the best of intentions but sometimes was simply too unwell. Too tired, legitimately, to make the plans I had committed to. So I stopped committing. And it became a very bad habit that Im only just starting to realize I still carry.
Now I try to say yes and mean it. I call friends when I see happy announcements like engagements go up on their Facebook. I only accept friend requests from people I truly like, who I would happily meet for coffee or talk to at the pub.
Oh and any recipes for scroggin would be greatly appreciated!
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thanks Sarah, I really enjoyed this lunchtime read. I completely agree with the Observer article; people often read between the lines when people are being ‘flaky’ and it is not so much the content or specific event that people remember but how unimportant that nil/late reply or non-attendance made them feel.
Similarly to Mia, I have been unwell with auto-immune issues over that last 8mths, with intermittent energy levels and I am so grateful to my beautiful and understanding friends who have preserved with my flakiness and non-committal replies of “I will be there if I am feeling up to it” and continue to invite me to fun catch-ups – it means so much to me
Problem is, I was unnecessarily semi noncommittal prior to the illness, so special, special thanks!
So yes, I am also starting my own little revolution:
1. Reply to friends and family as soon as I can so they know just how much they mean to me (don’t allow time for any silly wrong extrapolations of non/late replies)
2. Only commit to what I think I can do – 2 nights per week I must be at home doing NOTHING!
3. If I commit to an event, put it in the calendar and unless I am really unwell – go!
4. If I am unwell, ensure that I communicate my good intentions and explain to the person how I really do care for them.
5. Use strategies, such as booking in advance and asking others to firm up their attendance to avoid disappointment
Hopefully this should all help to reduce the awkwardness and unnecessary emotional inflictions of ‘wobbly energy’!
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You know what the problem is?
It’s because people are always looking out for better options so in the case where you have to have to commit, they will give you a ‘meh’ response and then pull out in the end if something better comes along.
If it doesn’t suit them 100%, technology makes it all too easy to say that ‘something’s come up’
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I must say, this post stirred up a lot of anger in me.
Last weekend I organised for my friends and I to go bowling for my birthday. Ten minutes after everyone was suppposed to arrive I get a text from my friend “Sorry! I’ve just woken up. I’m fighting the flu and can’t make it. Have fun!”
I could hardly believe my eyes. Did she only just discover upon waking up that she was fighting the flu?
Due to a no-refund policy I now have two bowling vouchers to use before March 2011.
Bowling anyone?
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In London, everyone books up weeks and weeks in advance. This is great as (most of the time) you actually know what your schedule looks like. And I find people are less flaky than when I lived in New York. HOWEVER, the problem with this system is that you don’t always know what you’ll feel like doing in 3 weeks time, let alone how much work you will have, if you will suddenly come down with a bad cold or just be really exhausted. That said, I tend to keep most plans otherwise I’d never see my friends, and like Selena, I will schedule days where I plan absolutely nothing because I know I can’t handle four nights out in a row (for example!). The other downside of this severely rigid system is that I never see my friends who aren’t ‘planners’ as they just say, “let’s get together one night after work”, and it just never happens because there’s nothing in my diary!
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I like what Mia said. I have a “yes and mean it” policy. If I’m not sure I want to do something when I get the invitation, I immediately but politely decline (by sending a note or calling). If, however, I feel that I want to do something, I say yes and stick to it. My best friend drives me nuts because he is a “maybe” guy. I’ve explained to him that “maybe” always feels like “This sounds good, but something better might come along and I reserve the right to wait.” I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s disrespectful. So far, no headway…but then again the the culture is working against me…
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I have certain friends who are just flaky, and I know I can’t change them. I really hate how they are always late and act like it’s no big deal or like it’s even funny, yet I do still want to be friends with them. I’ve just come to accept that if we have a party or something, certain people will be late. I mentally prep myself for that kind of night. On the other hand, if I want to do something with a specific person who tends toward lateness or flakiness, I try to make a clear, solid plan. I offer to drive so I can pick him/her up and know I will be on time. If they aren’t available, I just say “no big deal” and move on. I don’t think I have any right to change my friends, but they don’t have a right to keep me waiting indefinitely, either.
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I must admit I am a flaky person
and am not proud.
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Wonderful article Sarah – I have been known to flake on occasions and you have reminded me why it is rude, inconsiderate, and not ok.
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I’m a non planner and proud. I used to say yes to my over zealous friends’ events to appease them and then I realised that wasn’t working for me (I felt bullied by so many plans months out and if you don’t rsvp the booking will fill or plane will fly or whatever). Geeez all I need is micro managed personal life. I left the micro planned and now I take my time to chose consciously what I want to do with my time and you know what – sometimes I just turn up to a friends house and say “Hi want to go for a jog/get a coffee/ride a bike”…that’s it. simple. authentic.. unplanned..bliss =)
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I’ve been doing this for a while, but mostly the reason behind it was that I was feeling bad or sick, but after a while it became normal for me to just not do anything and flake out on people. I’m trying to break the cycle now, owning up to my plans and promises and making some more, doing something spontaneous, but it’s a bit of a rocky road. But hey that’s what life is all about, about learning and searching…x
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This ties in perfectly with an observation that was made in the weekend paper, a DJ was lamenting the proliferation of iphones on the scene, particularly on the dancefloor, he said it created an “unsettled” atmosphere, which was the perfect description, and reminds me of the sentiment you are articulating with wobbly….except that wobbly is actually good for the dancefloor, ‘unsettled’ is not!
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Like Taron, I found people to be less flaky when I lived in London than I do here in my native Oz. (But it’s not just a Sydney thing Down Under; I’m from Adelaide and the flakiness there is worse than anywhere in my experience!) I also agree with Taron that you don’t always know what you’ll feel like doing in three weeks’ time – but if that’s the case, don’t commit to an engagement. If you get sick or something that’s fair enough; true friends will understand. But to bail on someone because you just can’t be arsed is just plain rude!
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[...] my tardiness is partly habit, partly psychological. However, I came across this article, “enough with the wobbly energy” by Sarah Wilson (who I absolutely love) recently that got me thinking, “Wait – [...]
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