strong women: do you need a knight or a king?
This Psychology Today article that gives a rundown of the type of relationship strong, career-orientated women want now hits nails on heads for me.
It makes a number of strident and true points. I’ve added my own thoughts to the mix too:
* “There is a new type of male/female relationship forming in our culture not defined by who is more dominant and successful.” Indeed, there is a new whiff to things right now. I don’t know that anyone really “knows” how all this plays out yet, but we “feel” that the old “push/pull” of sexual relationships is redundant somehow. Every relationship needs a balance of yin and yang, but it can play out in so many different ways. Masculine strength can be about being a rock or being the “provider” of emotional stability to a frantically busy career woman. Sometimes all we want is a guy who can say “everything’s going to be OK” at the end of the day while massaging your foot.
* Strong women want a man who will share the responsibilities at home and won’t get his ego tied up in a knot over it.
* Money was not the major criteria for partner-picking among the women surveyed in the story. Emotional compatibility rated higher. They didn’t need a King; they preferred having a Knight!!
* “Strong women want a man who gives his partner space to go after the success she desires. When she comes home, he is her cheerleader and “knight” who loves her and doesn’t tell her he wants her to quit traveling or change her workload for him.” Nice.
* “He stands by the side of his partner, not in front of her or behind her.” I love this…my thinking is that the ideal relationship exists when you’re travelling in the same direction, on roughly parallel paths (NOT on the same path), and every now and then you can look across at your partner and go, “how about the view” or “this pace suiting you?”.
* Finally the article goes:
“I’m not talking about role reversals, though that exists. I’m not talking about women supporting men, though that exists as well. I’m talking about men who are comfortable allowing women to be whole, which includes being powerful, emotional, passionate, discouraged, loving, tired, perfect, imperfect, grateful and sometimes rude.”
Oh, yeah, sometimes rude!! We are, aren’t we?! And with this, I issue my apologies to all men who’ve experienced the brunt of one of my stressed strops. Full props to you…you handle it so well. And when you do, you’re a goddamn knight!
Great article, I totally agree with everything in it.
Only one problem though… where do you find men like that???
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It’s very simple. Honorable intentions. Love. Understanding. You share the domestic chores – that somehow works out over time, don’t schedule anything (that’s a killer). Let it unfold in the course of the relationship. You will both work out what works. And very quickly. Just don’t push or be bossy. Not the best tactic x
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Love this!
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Sarah, thanks so much for this post. I feel like this is an ongoing struggle in my day to day life atm. I have an awesome boyf who works a lot less hours than me, gets paid less, but will happily cook dinner every night and clean more than me. He has to deal with my s**t when I get home when I am completely mentally and physically exhausted. He just wants to spend time with me, but when I get home all I feel like doing is having a bath and not talking for a while. It’s tough…we come from completely different places in our careers and I always struggle to find a balance.
I work long hours, live an hour from the city and have dealt with a hypo thyroid since I was about 14 years old. I am always tired, getting run-down, catching every cold and flu going round…
Back to the point…what I really do want (and do mostly get) is someone to talk things through with when I get home. I don’t want him to tell me that he will take care of things for me, I want him to back me 100% and then start running that bath for me!
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Want, want ,want………nothing really wrong with that if trying to work out consciously what you do want as opposed to concentrating on what you ‘don’t’ want. Then a conscious decision can be made in which you can be responsible for your own decisions. You choose your partner….consciously or unconsciously.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today, goes a long way in relationships, if I decide otherwise then hopefully I have the courage to change things.
My experience in intimate relationships is that the push/pull cycle is inevitable because we all have egos, that’s what makes us human. The difference I believe is being conscious of when we are doing it, then we have a choice to continue or not. Increased choices and taking responsibility is what makes this life so beautiful yet sometimes painful (but there is beauty in that).
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That’s exactly how I feel about my partner! Although I must admit (as I have discovered recently) when and if that time comes to start considering options other than career (like babies or maybe just not wanting that career anymore) which can be a hard decision for a working woman, you do start to wonder if your ‘emotional rock’ can be your ‘financial rock’ and ‘doting dad/supporting partner rock’. I’ve come to a conclusion recently though, if your guy is man enough to stand proudly beside you while you had your career, and not let the ego get involved when he helped with the chores, then regardless of your finances or how your lifestyle might change, your rock will always be your rock. He’s a keeper, love him, appreciate him and allow him to do that for you too.
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