Top five regrets of the dying…what will be yours
I came across this post this morning by an Australian woman (her blog, Inspiration and Chai) who worked in palliative care. She’d chat to dying people about their regrets. Now she’s put together a list of the most common ones she’d come across.
It’s amazing how they’re really just the “regrets of the living”. I regret often that I’m not living to these principles. I’m conscious that working too hard and not choosing the happy choices is not “what life is meant to be about”. But somehow I think there’ll be time for that later…But, of course, habits form, days go by where you don’t stand back and have a good look at your life, and soon enough you’re 75.
My big mantra right now is: this isn’t a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing, there’s no run-up. You simply have to choose now to live out the things you fear you’ll regret. You choose to work less. You choose the happy option. No bones about it. And, besides, why bloody not?? I mean, really??
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
Are you wishing you could let yourself be happier? What REALLY stops you from making that choice?
Makes you reassess, doesn’t it. This working hard thing – we consider it a virtue in our society. I sometimes think that if we all didn’t think we had to work so hard the western world at least would be so much cheaper to live in.
Thank you for a great post.
Mariette
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Thanks Sarah. I think I will bookmark this and repeatedly read, just to keep reminding myself to get out, and stay out, of the everyday rut!
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This brought tears to my eyes! And made me really think about my future and what I want from life. I am only 21, but I think about this a lot. I find it hard to make decisions that will make me happy, such as going to Cambodia to volunteer for a month next year. I know it will bring so much joy to me, yet I am scared that its the wrong decision, that I should save my money for more “important” things such as a house. Silly really, since I’m going to be at uni until I’m 26 anyway! And like you say, this isn’t a dress rehearsal. I’d rather die with a full photo album than a full bank account.
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Sarah,
Thanks for another great post!
Heather – I’m interested to know through which organisation you are going to volunteer in Cambodia next year? I have always wanted to do something like that, and as Sarah said this isn’t a dress rehersal so I want to start seriously looking into it now.
Joanne
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Hey Heather, just a thought. Maybe there is no such thing as a wrong decision. Maybe you just make a decision and then you have to make it work for you. Enjoy Cambodia – wonderful country, wondeful people. Mariette
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Great post Sarah – all of those points have been on my mind for the past few months.
Heather – volunteering will be an amazing and enriching experience… do it, enjoy it, tell us all about it! Last year I also considered volunteering in Asia for a few months but other things [not all that important really in retrospect] prevented me. Its something I’ve thought about often.
x Cath
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Life is now, waiting for that “if this happens, then…” moment is a waste of time. Great (however sad) last thoughts and a lesson to the rest of us.
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I love this….. it is so true that we get so caught up in “stuff” that we forget to just BE. I have a 10 mth old daughter, and every morning she wakes up with a smile on her face and such excitement just because a new day is here, and their is so much fun to be had and so much life to enjoy! I am trying to learn from her sweet example…. just be happy we are here , nothing is more important than this moment we are in right now..
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Wish I had the courage and strength to change even one of those things in my life for the better. Not sure I feel like a failure, but it would be nice to look back on life and say, I really tried hard and I don’t regret as much as I thought I would.
Love your blog Sarah! xo
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I hope to pass with no regrets, which is why I am focused on living the life that I do …..one that is true to me, where I am who I am and I value what is most precious to me. This actually takes quite a bit of effort.
thank you for sharing.
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What a lovely post. It depresses me a bit, but I’m always glad to have a bit of a push towards change.
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What stops me from being happier is probably that i am constantly on the defence about my singledom. It’s not that i enjoy being single just that i feel like im having to justify why i’m single a lot of the time, and i think because im constantly telling people i’m fine with it, i’m not leaving myself open for a happiness that comes with a relationship. I guess that comes under ” I wish that I had let myself be happier”, i need to let my guard down.
Would love to volunteer too Heather, i looked into it a few months ago. Hopefully i will do that next year too. All the best with your trip xo
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Hi Sarah, I came across this in a website long time ago. I forgot which website and who write it.
If I could live my life again, I’d laugh at my misfortunes more and other people’s predicaments less. Spend more time counting my blessings, less time scrutinizing my blemishes.
I’d spend more time playing with my children and grandchildren, less time watching professional athletes perform. More time enjoying what I have, less time thinking about the things I don’t have.
If I could live my life again, I’d walk in the rain more without an umbrella and listen less to weather reports. I’d spend much more time outdoors in small towns and much less time in tall buildings and big cities. I’d eat more of everything healthy and delicious, less of everything each meal, saving enough on the bill to feed a starving child.
If I could live my life again, I’d get more beach sand between my toes and less friction between myself and others. I’d take more long baths and fewer showers (I can’t explain why I’ve always been in such a hurry to spend my time). I’d spend more time with old people and animals, less time with strangers at clubs and parties.
I’d act the age of my children and grandchildren more and act my own age less. I’d visit libraries, bookstores, and computer networks more and malls and movie theatres less. I’d play the piano more and play fewer mindless games like solitaire. I’d give my spouse and children more tender touches and much less advice.
If I could live my life again, I’d spend more time fully involved in the present moment, less time remembering and anticipating. I’d be more aware of my core values and life mission, and less concerned with the reasons why I might not measure up.
I’d smile more, frown less. I’d express my feelings more, try less to impress my friends and neighbours. I’d forgive and ask forgiveness more, and curse my adversaries less – but most of all I’d be more spontaneous and active, less hesitant and subdued.
When a great idea or spur-of-the-moment adventure popped up – an Easter egg hunt, an open house at school, a game of hide-and-seek, an oppurtunity to solve a problem at work or to satisfy a disgruntled customer, a hay ride, a chance to build a snowman or paint over graffiti, an invitation to watch a lunar eclipse or a shuttle launch. I’d be less likely to stay in my chair objecting, “It’s not in our plan” and more inclined to jump up and say, “Yes, let’s”.
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Ps: answering what stops me from being happier.
I know this sounds (stupid?) but I’m always worry about losing the people that I love to death. I know death is only natural, but yeah that’s the only thing in life that worries me and often make me sad.
Maybe when I’m about to die, I will be sad because I’m going to lose my living breathing (whom I love) person. Gee I wish people just live forever and there is no farewell
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That was beautiful Natalie x
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Ps 100th (it’s going to b e last).
I think when I die, I won’t have any regret if I’ve lived being a good person. I have a big ambition careerwise and moneywise but at the end of the day if you live life helping those around you, you’ll die satisfied and happy.
If you lived being selfish, like buy a fancy car instead of lending money to sibling in need, you’ll die with regret. What’s a fancy car anyway?
Someone said ‘Be the best, not in, but for the world’
Sarah , I’m sure you’ve ever seen Randy Pausch lecture in oprah? (if not, you can you tube it, it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen). He’s about to die of cancer and he gave a lecture about life.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9ya9BXClRw
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Wow.
A few years ago, I started taking time to think about the person I want to be remembered as, and then consciously behaving that way. For instance, I want people to think of me as happy – so I smile lots. I don’t fake it, I have just made it my default expression, instead of neutral. I had a lot of anger problems as a teenager, so I make sure to keep things on an even keel now, and always look on the bright side.
That helps me so much, to think of how lucky I am. I’m not in a relationship, and don’t know if I ever will be, but I was inspired by another blog recently to investigate donating my eggs to an infertile couple. If I can’t have babies myself, think of the happiness I could help bring into someone else’s life. It scares me a bit (what if they aren’t good parents?) but I am going to investigate.
Also, I want to talk to my Dad. He went through a really rough time about a year ago, and I think he needs some professional help. My Mum, my brother and sisters and I are just aren’t really able to help him, we don’t know what he needs. But we can help him find someone to talk to and be there for him.
Finally, I want to leave things organised for my family. Write a will; have a plan for my funeral; write up a list of people to notify (they don’t know all my friends), stuff like that. I don’t want them to have to worry about what to do, or whether I would like it.
I would regret not doing any of these things before I died.
How funny that it’s not ‘read another book’, or ‘have another TimTam’. When you really think about this, seriously, it can be so worthwhile. Life changing too, in the best possible way. Why wouldn’t you live your life the best way you could?
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Wow, indeed. Thanks so much for a great post Sarah. When I read the title I wasn’t sure that I wanted to read it, but so glad I did. And JessB your comments really hit a nerve too. Life changing in the best possible way – I like that – going off to ponder it now.
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This topic makes me so sad. It’s a great reminder to live life to the fullest every day. I feel so strong about this that I have changed the theme of my blog, now I’m comitting to help others turn their lifes around and be free to follow their dreams.
This post reminds me of a Thoreau quote from the Dead Poet’s Society: “I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.”
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Joanne – I don’t plan to go through an organisation, but rather volunteer for a local NGO or charity. This orphanage is one that I am looking at going to : http://www.wfc-kh.org/community-develop-projects/ My 21st birthday is in Nov and I want to ask my friends and families for donations to my chosen orphanage/NGO in Cambodia instead of presents to me – I don’t need anything, but these people do!
Mariette – I like your thinking. You are right; if I choose to go I certainly will not regret it! Thanks for the advice.
Cath – Thank you for the encouragement! If I do choose to go then I will report back! In the meantime, I hope you get a chance to bring your dream of volunteering to fruition.
Jess – Thank you! Gosh, I really feel encouraged to go and do this by all you lovely people! How lucky am I to even have the option to identify something I would love to do, then simply make the choice to “go and do it”! I am very lucky indeed. I really shouldn’t waste the opportunity! Saving for future sensible things doesn’t make the world go round; it’s humanity, and generosity – and heart! And experiences!
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Heather, you are 21 years old. You have all your life to save for a house. Make the most of being young and experiencing the world.
All the best (from a well travelled 27 year old currently half saving 50% for a house and 50% for more travels)
xx
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Jo, thank you
You are right. Wise words from someone who has done the things that I dream of doing (travel!). I think about it every day – and have done as long as I can remember! I am feeling a gentle nudge…in the right direction.
Best of luck saving for your house and for future travels! xx
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You guys must be familiar with the “fake” letter that circulated on the Internet a few years ago as representing the words of a dying GG Marquez. In spite of its inauthenticity, I think its exuberance summarizes what is imporant in life (scroll to bottom of page): http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/archive/permalink/gabriel_garcia_marquezs_final_farewell/
And as cheesy as it sounds, I often refer to the Desiderata for a reminder of the keys to many drawers! (Which, amusingly to me, I first discovered on the back of the bathroom door in my boyfriend’s house when I lived in Australia. I then returned home to notice it everywhere for the first time.)
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I love all the advice that everyone has shared. In particular I loved the advice from JessB. You must live the way in which you would like people to remember you. This reminded me of a quote I came across on the weekend that I liked. It’s from Liz Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love. “People think happiness is a stroke of luck. But that’s not how happiness works. It is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, insist upon it. Once you have achieved happiness, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming into this happiness, to stay on top of it. Pray, even when your crisis has passed, to seal it in.”
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[...] Reflection time: Top 5 regrets of the dying. [...]
“When the tide of life turns against you
And the current upsets your boat,
Don’t waste tears on what might have been,
Just lie on your back and float.”
— Anonymous
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