sunday life: the benefits of *not* being happy
This week I get sad
I’ve been writing this column for a while now – 72 weeks to be exact – and I have to confess, I’ve had it with trying to be happy. It’s all become too much.
While this column is a somewhat tortured search for a better life, most of the literature I’m exposed to is about happiness. You see, since positive psychology emerged ten years ago, happiness has become the holy grail of our existence. Everyone’s trying to get happy because a happier life is a better life. Or so we’re sold.
And, so, every week I’m sent half a dozen happiness books to review, I’m invited to happiness pow-wows and my inbox receives a chundering of the latest theories and studies about how best to land a smile on one’s dial, usually involving Tibetan monks or a bunch of Greek goat herders.
Ergo, I have happy wash; I’m “cheer exhausted”, you might say.
Happiness used to be something you experienced appropriately, on occasion (on birthdays, when running under sprinklers). It was a spontaneous thing you got glimpses of, if you were lucky. Nowadays, these countless theories prove happiness can be manufactured and sculpted. We can work hard at being happy (by turning sad thoughts into happy ones and thus reshaping the synapses in our brains). And, when we do, we attract more happiness (you reap what you sow and all that jazz).
All of which has served to create a highly tedious imperative to be happy all of the time. Which has simultaneously rendered the slightly less sunny among us, well, lazy. You’re not happy? The sun not shining on your patch? A bit down that you have incurable cancer? Pull your socks up!
I had someone do this to me the other day. He bounced past me on the street and told me to, “Smile, be happy”. Had I been in a more beamish mood, I’d have said, “No thanks, I’m experimenting with the miserable end of my mood spectrum right now. It’s proving highly productive.” Instead I glowered.
But has anyone stopped to ask if happiness is all that much chop? Is happiness the only path to a better life? This week, having reached saturation point with the Pollyanna antics, I thought it was time to ask if pessimism doesn’t also have its place.
Me, I was born a sad sack. My default setting is “deeply emotional”. And frankly I’ve always found sadness rather rewarding. Sometimes I’ll come home on a Friday night, open a bottle of red, watch some SBS news, put on Martha Wainright and wallow. It feels deep and true and real and is often creative.
Further, saccharine types can drive me mental. They’ll be chattering away in the high-octane affirmative at a party and I almost fall asleep. Where’s the angst, the grist from which their spirit ricochets in glorious discordant colour? Trying to connect with the vigilantly jubilant can be like breaststroking through fairy floss.
As I found this week, the latest research is swinging around to this vibe, too. The Australian Science Journal recently reported that negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking and broody types cope better in demanding situations. In Smile Or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America And The World, Barbara Ehrenreich defends deep, dark, angry emotions in the fight against cancer. And a University of Michegan study this year found while Russians brood more than Americans, they get less depressed. In fact, the brooding protects them from depression – it allows them to emote from a self-distanced perspective. So they don’t get attached.
In fact, it’s our attachment to happiness that explains why many people like me are so over trying to be happy. Two studies published last month found the more you try to be happy, the less likely you’ll attain it. Dramatically so. In one of them, a group were asked to read a bunch of bogus newspaper articles extolling the virtues of happiness; another group read articles extolling other values, such as “making accurate judgments”. Both groups were then made to watch a happy movie. The former were unable to elevate their mood. The study showed pressure to be happy makes it harder to see the actual positive events in front of us. Presumably because when happiness is the focus, we’re reminded of where we’re lacking. Which is always depressing.
Although nothing a balanced dose of Martha Wainright won’t fix.
I agree. The ordinary, the sad, the mundane all help me appreciate the extraordinary, amazing and happy times. I wouldn’t know happiness without sadness.
[Reply]
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by sarah wilson and Linzi Aitken, Wesley Tan. Wesley Tan said: Great article from @_sarahwilson_, absolutely on the money! Sunday life: the benefits of *not* being happy http://bit.ly/cjRtMQ [...]
“Trying to connect with the vigilantly jubilant can be like breaststroking through fairy floss.” Words cannot express how much I adore and agree with this statement. Genius.
[Reply]
November 21st, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I agree. That is pure genius.
[Reply]
it took you 72 weeks to figure this out?
[Reply]
I feel so relieved after reading this today, Sarah. Perhaps it is the explosion of pop psychology, and the discovery by publishers that this topic sells books, that now has us thinking that there is something wrong with the way we feel. As you suggest, we need ALL our emotions to be fully functional…I’m with you…bring back the wallow room…so long as we remember where the door is!
[Reply]
Really interesting article Sarah, definitely food for thought. It’s something that’s been on my mind lately, the right balance and all and if we should constantly be happy. Some of the fiction I write just needs a bit of sad, it’s just something that can’t be written in happy mode. But in a way I guess it’s interesting to search for the right balance…Love, Jules
[Reply]
Great article, Sarah. The cult of happiness leads to tears before bedtime. There’s some research that suggests extreme optimists can be dangerous in the workplace because they don’t have the vision to foresee potential problems and they can lead unwary colleagues over a cliff. On the other hand, people with mild , low level depression (i.e. they’re still functioning well) are invaluable for helping to keep colleagues grounded and realistic. Pessimists tend to think ahead. There’s a great book called “The Power Of Negative Thinking” by Tony Humphreys (Gill & Macmillan, Dublin, 1996).
[Reply]
Hi!
Just to escape psychology for just a tick (because I find poets tend to sum such things up in much more credible terms than psyuchologists) this article reminded me about Milton’s companion pieces about the contrary moods of poetic inspiration (mirth, melancholy) in L’Allegro and Il Penseroso:
http://www.rc.umd.edu/editions/mws/lastman/milton.htm
By the way & just generally if anyone wants my tip for how to live to good life, I would definitely say you should just quit reading positive psychology books and start reading Renaissance poetry.
[Reply]
I always liked Pollyanna movies when I was a kid. Happiness can’t be manufactured. If you don’t know sad or angry, bitterness or frustration, disappointment or just plain shitty; how are you going to know happy? Haven’t heard the term Sad Sack for a while, wasn’t he a comic character? William
[Reply]
Amen Sarah!!!
It’s not natural to be happy all the time. If you turned up at a psychiatric facility and told them that they would slap you with a tag that said MANIA and feed you very strong drugs until you calmed down.
How about instead we aim for balance? Contentedness, the majority of the time? A well rounded life experience that includes sadness and joy, anger and jubilance, frustration and reward? Now wouldn’t THAT be something??
[Reply]
Great article today Sarah, I read it in Sunday life and felt compelled to get online and tell you how wonderful it was to read your words, they were like an echo of an inner dialogue I sometimes experience. I feel like your words have given me permission also to embrace the ‘other side’ of happiness.
Duh, that’s what we’re here for, the light and the dark, good and bad, summer and winter, life involves the polarities…we get to experience it all, we’re human beings, being with all aspects of life and experiencing the full spectrum of emotions is where it’s at. You’re right, great inspiration can often be borne of the darker moments. A sparkle of light in the dark is far more impressive than in broad daylight (sparklers just ain’t the same unless it’s dark).
Cheers to embracing it all, the happiness, sadness, melancholy…..whatever it might be.
[Reply]
For me, the principle of yin and yang sums it up … sadness – happiness, introversion – extroversion. To feel a sense of balance, it’s all about letting ourselves dip in and out of both.
[Reply]
Sarah, I can’t tell you how many times “marketers” have suggested I use happy in my post titles, how to become, get more blah, blah. I have always given a push back on happiness, because from personal experience and from many years of working with people I know that happiness can be fleeting and very fickle. What makes you happy at one stage in your life will not be the same thing in another. Alternatively you can tick all the pop psych boxes on happiness and still not feel it. There is so much pressure on people to be happy & feel grateful that I am afraid it begins to whitewash over all the complex emotions and feelings we need to experience in life. Recently I was having a conversation with someone about how faking happiness or “fake it until you make it” can have significant negative impacts on ones mental health.
[Reply]
Thank God you wrote this! I have been enjoying your article, but about the past month I was starting to get over it. It was becoming hard to relate to in normal day to day life and it was annoying me. Happiness is a passing emotion, we should enjoy it when we feel it, but there are many other interesting emotions to experience in life’s spectrum. Thank you.
[Reply]
Some great books which highlight the importance of understanding life is BOTH happiness & sadness (and how both offer their own unique input to our lives):
1. (something new) The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living by Russ Harris and Steven Hayes (Paperback – Jun 3, 2008).
> http://www.thehappinesstrap.com
2. (oldie but a goodie) The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck.
I also like this one below too – ACT is abit like “NLP meets Buddhism meets CBT” (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). A psychologist friend doing his PhD in shyness says ACT is really taking over from CBT in certain key areas. It’s definately more holistic from my experience.
3. “The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” [Paperback]
John P. Forsyth (Author), Georg H. Eifert (Author)
[Reply]
I have actually thought a lot about this issue. I believe that our generation (I am 40) and younger generations are maybe the first to think that life should make us happy all the time. When I complained to my Dad one time that I was bored with my job, and asked how he worked at the same, monotonous job for 35 years, he laughed and said, “I had to put food on the table, that’s how I did it. I just got up and did it every day.” At the time, I thought, “Ugh, how awful, not for me! I won’t do that!” And, to some extent, I have not done that. But, as much as we try, we can never make life happy all the time, as we have no control over most of what happens (we only control our response to it, blah, blah). Why do we think we need to put a positive spin on everything? (Thoughts, anyone?) Some things just really suck, like my friend’s husband dying last month and leaving her alone with 9 year old twins. It’s appropriate to mourn events like that! For me, in my experience, I am much healthier when I allow myself a small amount of time to feel really rotten and then I pull up my bootstraps and push forward, b/c otherwise I would keep spiraling down and get depressed. IMO, all emotions are what they are, and as long as we don’t get too attached to any one of them for too long, we are doing ok
[Reply]
I’ve always liked having a good cry — it is enormously cathartic, although it does tend to frighten people (especially boys, who don’t seem to really ‘get’ crying). Crying over books or movies or weddings or other things allows me to tap into that deep place of feeling and express myself in a way that says, ‘I feel strongly about this; I’m not necessarily sad right now.”
I feel like exercising the ‘miserable end of my mood spectrum’ (my god, I love this phrase, Sarah) is the best way for me to really be happy — this way I get to properly experience life instead of trying for high-octane sunny all the time, which makes the sweet, purely happy moments all the sweeter.
P.S. That is so true about some happiness imperative making people who like to sometimes wallow in melancholy seem like they are ‘just not trying hard enough’. And that’s not good.
[Reply]
Hi Sarah,
I have been following your colunm for some time now and am somewhat surprised with this weeks content. It seems a bit counter to the normal themes or is it intended to be provocative.
It’s a good thing to challenge one’s thinking or at least to hit the internal refresh key.
Is that your idea?
I wonder if you are aware of the “Making Australia Happy” Program on ABC1.
http://makingaustraliahappy.abc.net.au/theshow.php
You can catch up with Episode 1 on Iview via thew website.
The second episode is on tonight at 8.30pm. The first episode seems to have created an overwhelmingly positive response.
As one of the 8 volunteers I guess I have a unique view of it, but I have recieved nothing but positive and supportive comments. So many viewers have been able to gain ideas, inspiration and encoureagement from what they have seen. It’s probably not earth shattering in it’s scope but it has insired nearly 20,000 people from around Australia to jump on the website and complete the “Happy 100″ survey to gain a score to give them a reference guide to their relative happiness or wellbeing levels.
On the show we completed many tasks and exercises- some of which you have referenced in your columns- such as RAK’S. The show is scientifically based but presents ordinary people, exploring mostly ordinary issues with accessible and relatively simple stategies to create positive change. It seems to have struck a chord…. what do you think?
hoping you find all of this interesting and would love to get your comments.
all the best
Stephen
[Reply]
This is an interesting article because you talked about something opposite; it is thought provoking.
What you said is not something everyone is interested in, or can relate to. It takes a bit of journey to reach where you are.
Happiness is a definition. In that sense, you and I could be ‘happy’ in very different ways. That is why ‘happiness’ makes us unhappy at times paradoxically because what makes others happy may not make us happy.
I think to reach the state of knowing ourselves and what makes us tick is a start to define happiness – for us.
Thank you for sharing.
[Reply]
Fantastic article Sarah =)
[Reply]
Hi Sarah,
I’ve only just come across your blog, and this was a really lovely first post to read.
It makes me think about a few things, but I don’t think I can articulate those thoughts and keep this comment short. I will say that sometimes I am absolutely terrified of my stronger, more “negative” emotions – that I fear they will consume me, and I will become known only as a grump, or constantly miserable. That can be problematic in some inter-personal relationships.
Cheers, Natalie.
[Reply]
Hi Sarah,
Very interesting post. I do understand the fatigue from overt exposure to happiness articles, books etc. But I think it’s not so much being happy that makes one exhausted of it but the “trying” part of being happy. I think you’d get the same fatigue if you try to be the brooding type all the time. I think it’s the tension of ignoring your current state by forcing yourself to have an elevated mood through those books/articles/etc. that makes it tiring.
Lately I’ve accepted that until we become as close to enlightenment as the Dalai Lama or something, happiness and sadness will always come in waves for the rest of us human folk.
PS. Your articles are always so rad
[Reply]
[...] must read article by Sarah Wilson on the benefits of NOT being happy all the time. A good time of year to learn [...]
dear Sarah,
I LOVE YOU.
[Reply]
Hi Sarah
A friend sent me your article on not being happy all the time and I laughed out loud upon reading it and all the comments that followed. If people were happy all the time, we would not have the richness of great art, music,poetry and literature…..these things enrich our lives and inspire us.They are what makes us distinctive from all other mammals. There is no such thing as “negative emotions” as each and every emotion is telling us something. I have been learning a new way of living through Human Design. When I found out that I am “emotionally defined” and that for me, experiencing happiness/sadness, or being “up?/down” was a bio-mechanical wave , the relief was palpable. I now, make no ‘excuses” for being “down”, knowing that the wave will, at sometime , bring me “up’. I enjoy the ‘ride’ as it gives me great depth in all my decisions. For anyone wishing to find out if they are emotionally defined or not go to http://www.humandesignaustralia.com and get a chart done. Then enjoy the ride of life and be your own unique self.
[Reply]
[...] chest wallow. I know this might not be the extreme Sarah is talking about but I love her article on the benefits of not being happy, oh and Nourishing the Soul wrote something in relation here’s more tears [...]
Great post. The above-mentioned book ‘the happiness trap’ by Russ Harris makes a really good point- seek to lead a ‘meaningful’ life. This will then allow you to better weather the ups and downs, and ultimately be more ‘fulfilled’. So I think aiming to be ‘fulfilled’ is more realistic and sustainable.
[Reply]
Love love love this.
With ‘positivity’, ‘wellness’ and ‘self-love’ memes being so on-trend, it’s easy to forget that just keeping it real as a human is precisely what will authentically generate those states.
[Reply]