three ways i deal with the vile, judgey voice in my head (and be a slightly nicer person)
Do you do this? I ask because I really want to know.
Do you find yourself walking along and two blokes in front are walking super slow, oblivious to the fact they’re blocking the path, and you have to shift your pace and it all feels really inconvenient and you get – uggh – irritated…
…and then it pipes up…
…the vile, judgey voice in your head. “You wouldn’t be so fat if you walked a bit faster, mate!” or “I bet you’re like this at work – taking over things like you own them”.
When I’m driving it really gets loud and stereotyping. And when I’m in the city trying to get to a meeting and I’m surrounded by office workers on their lunch breaks (“Lemmings!”). But the poor unsuspecting soul doesn’t even have to be inconveniencing me to cop a lashing from my vile inner voice. They might just be engaged in conversation nearby. Or it might just be a dog doing its thing. And my head makes snap judgments about the kind of person (or dog) they are and where they might be going wrong in life and why they need to read a newspaper every now and then and GOSH could people stop talking in mindless cliches.
These are really ugly things to admit. And apologies if I offend. But I’ve mentioned my vile, judgey voice to others over the past few days and they’ve TOTALLY got it. They have one too. Which is why I felt brave enough raising it here.
And, besides, I think these kind of blogs can get a bit Pollyanna-ish at times….just as an important aside.
I’ve been grappling with the voice for a while now. It horrifies me. But it’s suddenly got louder and uglier.
That’s what happens when you need to shift something – it becomes more apparent and more intolerable. Louder. Uglier. So that you can see it. And be pushed to change.
I’ve realised in the past few days that we voice these things when we’re feeling separate. When we’re feeling removed from our fellow humans it makes everyone else seem like they’re working in opposition to us. “YOU over there are doing THAT to ME over here”.
So a few reflections that have helped quieten the voice a little, bit by bit:
* When the voice pops up, it’s really just reminding us we need to get closer to humanity. And that we’re all connected and in the same boat together. Perhaps we’ve been a little off track, off-kilter, too caught up in our individual pursuits to see this. The voice draws us (painfully) back to it. Instead of berating ourselves for having the voice, we can see it as a prompt to get closer. In the immediate instance, I’ve found that simply being aware of the (irritating) person’s energy as I walk past them or as I sit next to them helps. This sounds esoteric, but try it at the traffic lights. Feel from the heart. Imagine connecting with that person’s energy. Suddenly the irritating person feels like an extension of us. They look like us. Then, boom, compassion!
* This “Fred Nile voice” also holds a mirror up to our own shit. As Carl Jung said: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” So when the voice pops up, use it to question what the issue might be for yourself. I’m getting angry right now with people who are all blustery and make dumb decisions from being too nervous and jittery….hmmm….
* Finally, and this one’s a doozie….look at the (irritating) person and see them as the child they once were. My friend KJ passed this tip onto me on the weekend. I’ve tried it over the past few days. It works. Suddenly everyone is forgivable. Suddenly everyone’s in the same boat because we all started out from the same connected place: as forgivable blank slates doing the best they can.
So, um, tell me…do you have a vile, judgey voice? What does it say? And how do you put a gag on it?
Dude, the judgey voice has been screaming lately. My intolerance for other people has been pretty epic and I can’t stand it, I feel dreadful almost immediately! To give myself a breake I’ve been mostly just walking away and taking some time out alone when the intolerance gets too noisy… but I’ll give these a go too methinks. Worth a go!
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November 3rd, 2010 at 3:27 pm
GJ, it IS about getting some breathing space, too. My inner Fred Nile comes up when I’m tired and crowded in…I’m resentful of people
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I so do have this voice, though I call it the irritated bitch voice. It came to me a few months ago that I have no control over other people at all. ever. I can only control my reactions to them. So simply stopping myself and breathing in an out I soon realise its me with the problem not them.
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Sarah,
This reminds me of the quote that came up on my calendar for the month of November:
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster. Your life will never be the same again. Og Mandino.
Isn’t that a beautiful idea? This would help, I’m sure, with that nasty voice towards others, which I too, experience!
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November 3rd, 2010 at 2:27 pm
I love this concept as well! What a great way to calm your thoughts and gain control of that horrid little voice.
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November 3rd, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Nice…I’m going to try it too
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I used to have this kind of voice inside my head ALL THE TIME!! Especially during busy traffic, when I was running late for work etc… I used to also find myself judging others while watching TV, being cynical about the world and getting easily irritated.
But it doesn’t happen anymore. Well not very often anyway. I think this is because I LOVE my life at the moment, whereas before I was unhappy in my job, stressed out and in a way hated the world. Everything is so different now…my external world has changed, yes, but more importantly I’ve changed the way I think. Like you mentioned, I see us all as part of one big beautiful world, I accept the little imperfections and crazy things that happen in life and just laugh. I see the beauty in everything, and try to live consciously in the moment.
Sometimes I find it creeping back, but I use those times for reflection (similar to what you suggested). The other day I was driving in my car and was stuck behind a very slow learner motorbike rider. I felt my irritation rise, I started using expletives against him in my head, and then I realised… “hang on… so what if i’m slowed down for for a moment? What is “bad” about that? Why do i have to label it as “bad”? So what if i’m late for a meeting?” etc etc. And I realised that, if all the little mishaps or being slowed down or whatever hadn’t happened in my life in the past, in EXACTLY the way they had happened, I wouldn’t be where I am right now, loving my beautiful life exactly as it is, right now.
Anyway thanks for the thought provoking post, I love your blog, only discovered it a couple of weeks ago but am finding it very inspiring! I’m not sure if you’ve written about it in past posts, but I would love to know how you stay so motivated and determined… I work from home sometimes and find it extremely hard to keep on task!
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November 6th, 2010 at 2:01 am
Great one.
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Hi Sarah,
What a great blog post!
I’ve found the below article most helpful in turning off the “bitch-switch”…
http://www.raptitude.com/2010/07/how-to-deal-with-people-who-frustrate-you/
By thinking that everyone else is more enlightened than you are, you are learning a new life lesson with each new person (patience, tolerance, understanding)
Love to know what you think!
x
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My “mean inner dialogue” tends to come out when I’m not in a good mood. It could be I’m frustrated at work. Or something simpler, like I’m hungry or especially tired. Or even that I’m late (I hate being late).
Gretchen Rubin posted a study about drinking something warm making you feel friendly and happy, and I do think it’s true. I try to drink something warm every day, especially coffee — btw, I drink decaf. I don’t always make coffee everyday due to timing getting out the door, but I do try. I know coffee isn’t great for your heart (and probably some other things), but what about your soul? When I’m 80, will I care I drank too much caffeine, or will I be cursing myself for being so stressed out so many years in my younger life?
I think it’s worth it. It literally makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and it makes me feel more relaxed, too. My breathing changes, almost like a meditation. I savour it, all of its sugar-y-ness.
Barring coffee working (or being available), I have a technique I use with my boyfriend when I’m overwhelmed with how annoyed with him (or what he’s talking about) called “being quiet”. I essentially refuse to speak, I have to let myself mellow out and not say or think anything. I stop myself from saying anything mean by not saying anything at all. I think everybody’s mom would be proud of that technique.
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November 5th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Julia I laughed when I read about your coffee. I think its totally worth it. Small pleasures are so worth it.
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My voice said “You evil child-killing moron!” to the guy who sped around me in his car this morning at warp speed while I was obey the 40kph School Safety Zone. So not only does my inner judgey voice seem to think it is better than everyone else, it seems to think it is good enough to call people morons!
I try to question it when it pops up. Is this accurate? Where does it come from? What/ who am I really annoyed at? In my case I was probably just annoyed at having to go through that same school zone at peak hour every day, even though there are never any kids there because school has started by 8.45am. Which, if you admit, feels a little better.
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Ughh. I definitely do this. You are right though, it recently got to the point where I simply HAD to change! Thanks for this, it was much needed.
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yes! haha you are totally awesome for admitting this. and the most un-pollyanna making-life-better-sweeter type blogger ever. i just love reading your blog so thank you for keeping it up!
my inner voice can be totally scary and vicious…… it goes against other people every day and against myself all the time too. i have to remind myself i’m not a horrible piece of shit person. the worst is when you voice the inner voice……. it’s happened to me, in times of extreme annoyance/fatigue/exhaustion/stress/etc. your tips are excellent. i do the kid one sometimes, and it totally works. excellent reminder i hope i’ll be thinkin about tomorrow.
tj
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That horrible, grumpy, judging creature appeared last night at futsal, she said things that were mean and nasty and I immediately hated myself and that awful creature for doing so.
Thanks for the tips on how to deal with her, I dread the thought of her rising again!
BTW I too have gotten some wins with my AI disease – I have been able to stop taking my medication for Crohns disease with the help of my naturopath and some work on my inside people. Congrats to you!
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November 3rd, 2010 at 3:25 pm
oh, my pleasure. Great news!
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Thankyou for enlightening something in me that has been teetering on the edge.; my levels of frustration have diminshed somewhat understanding at a gut level as opposed to intellectually.
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YES, omg yes – now I know I’m not the only one out there thinking nasty thoughts about others when I’m a) in my car; b) waiting in line at the supermarket/post office etc etc. Worse when I’m stressed. I was tested today – got pissed off by someone’s tone in an email and then when I met them for the first time in person they were so nice and it was like the universe giving me a big smack, reminding me to not jump to conclusions about people or situations so damn quick!
I am going to do my best to question this voice too – I’m sure it can be stopped. I’ve pretty much eradicated my anxious, my-world-is-ending voice, so mean nasty judgemental Judy can also go
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Ah, I have this mean, nasty person inside too. Thing is, I rarely get upset with crazy drivers, thoughtless people in the supermarket, no, it’s worse than that. It’s the people I work with! I HAVE to turn this around, because, ah, I have to work with them. And I can’t see a way around that for at least another year
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How timely to read this…I do a lot of judging and am lately realising how mean I am to myself. I think part of it is that I judge others so harshly and then make these standards that are crippling. This week I’ve been working on catching myself making assumptions (“She’s just talking like that in the meeting to suck up to the boss”) and have been able to be kinder to myself (I’m allowed to contribute to meetings for the purpose of participation and without fear of being seen as a suck-up). It’s slow going, but so worth it, to work on re-training our thoughts.
My dad used to say, “You may be smart, but you’re not a mind-reader!” I’m trying to remember this when I think I know what others’ intentions are…
Thank you for articulating this so well…as you tend to do
x
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Thank you for this post Sarah!
When I come across irritating behaviour, I try to look upon it with amusement. So rather than thinking “ohhh my goddd, this guy is sooo slow… who does he think he is, that he can take up the whole path, is he an idiot?”, I think “isn’t it funny, that this guy is completely oblivious to the fact that he is slowing everybody else down?”… and when I am in that mindset, it usually ends up turning around to the thought “isn’t it funny that I am getting so annoyed that I have to make a 2-second detour? This is silly!” Of course, I still get angry at the world… but I try to save that anger for things that deserve it, like true injustice and heartlessness.
Another tip – form a relationship with somebody who has a shorter fuse than you do (romantic or platonic). It will automatically make you feel – and act – like the “reasonable” party… and give you a greater appreciation of how your mood/energy affects others, which will make you think twice whenever you think nasty, angry thoughts (and/or feel the whim to voice them!)
Also, I recently watched this YouTube video, Zen and the Art of Life Management, with Leo Babauto (Zen Habits/mnmlist), Tim Ferris (4 Hour Work Week), Jesse Jacobs (Real Rituals) & Susan O’Connell (San Fran Zen Centre). It’s a lovely, enlightening discussion… but in light of this post, Susan mentions that she can feel her heart “tighten” when she is too orientated towards achieving her own goals and success. Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JD-BdoKqFfk
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November 5th, 2010 at 2:18 pm
Luv your tip about finding someone with a shorter fuse, I tend to be the one! (only with those close to me though
) but I know of someone…and you are right!
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When I decided to transform the judgmental thoughts in my head I came up with a little life mantra. It is “love and curiosity”. This was a conscious decision after my son was diagnosed with Autism and I felt like the weight of judgments made by the professionals was crushing and not how I wanted to feel about my beautiful, gentle, intelligent boy. I decided to be loving first, in any situation, to myself, him and those around me. Then to use curiosity to come up with ideas about what might be happening, upon which I could act from a positive place.
So, if I use the example two overweight guys walking slowly and blocking the pavement, after “loving” them, I might decide how great it is that they are out getting some exercise, or that one has motivated the other who is recovering from surgery and they are doing a slow block, or that they are slowing me down right now, because if they didn’t I would end up with a pot on my head from the apartment up the road where someone is watering the plants and about to knock one off the balcony….. The options are endless and all help me to feel grateful and like I live in a benevolent world.
With love and curiosity!
Nichola xo
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This was a great post. I struggle every day with this. I have no control over these thoughts that pop into my head. Sometimes, I am really concerned with my soul. Where is all of this negativity coming from? I always try to put myself in the person’s shoes or imagine that they are my friend, but sometimes the thought pops out anyways.
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I really love that you frame the voice as an indication of disconnection. That’s what I was thinking as I read the first part of your post. I see those kinds of feelings as having much more to do with our own internal state that actual judgments or feelings about other people. Not to bring up a touchy subject, but this is similar to the recent MC issue. I believe that the author’s projections are much more a reflection of her struggles (though, in my opinion, still hurtful and wrong).
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A definitely get what I call my ‘crazy voice’ when I’m surviving on little sleep and not enough time to decompress. I try to remember they could be having a bad day as well, which strangely enough makes me kinder to myself and lets me get to the real root of my discontent.
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Thanks for the post Sarah. I couldn’t agree more with your sentiment. It is really yet another instance where resistance is just a signal to get back into the Now.
Cheers,
Mish
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Oh, I have it alright. Sometimes you can even hear it, but I’m trying to keep the bitchy comments to myself. I’ll try to quiet them down completely.
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I have it too. Sometimes it gets VERY loud indeed. Thanks for this lovely post, and for turning such a ‘negative’ into a positive — what an opportunity for us to look at ourselves and how we think and to make it gentler, kinder. You’re awesome.
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Yes Sarah. I have this problem from time to time. Funnily enough since I have tried to be a more tolerant person and much more positive it is so much easier to dismiss it and replace it with something nice.
Something I have learned is to think, is this going to be an annoyance to me next day. next week etc. Truth is in a month or so it will have disappeared altogether.
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This is the voice of the little you and everyone has a little person inside, including me and I identify with her loving a traffic jam… Have a read of a brilliant book by Charlotto Joko Beck called Nothing Special…
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Wow, I have that voice too, really strongly. It made things pretty unpleasant for a while, but it’s back under control now.
I like to just ask people – ‘excuse me, may I pass please?’ It usually works really well. I started doing it because I felt like I was going to explode with frustration, but then I realised that all of the situations I was so mad about were actually not out of my control at all. I could participate in them or not, and if I participated in them, I had a better chance of getting what I wanted.
Of course, you have to choose your situations – asking yobs on the train to stop swearing can be dangerous, but it can also get them to stop.
For me, it’s about weighing up how much I want that ‘thing’ (to be able to move faster, to not have to listen to foul language, etc.) against what I’m willing to give (I’m willing to ask a question, I’m not willing to get bashed).
A great site about this is The Daily Asker: http://thedailyasker.blogspot.com/ She asks for something every day – as you can probably tell!
Something else that helps me with the voice is imagining why the person is behaving that way. Thinking that maybe their cat died this morning, or they have to get home to look after a sick child, makes it fine with me that they pushed in front of me at the supermarket or are unhelpful when working in a store.
Really, putting things in perspective is a big help.
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oh me to.. but I’ve realised I’m most like this when I’m unhappy. Its (usually) a projection of my grumpiness onto the world around me.. I’m starting to learn to stop and ask why I’m irritated and usually I find its not something external causing it.
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Great article Sarah. My vile voice is at its best (well worst actually) when I am running late for something in the city and I can’t get through the wads of slow walkers, the QVB gets me everytime.
“look at the (irritating) person and see them as the child they once were”
I find this difficult to do. Particularly as I find some (but not all) children really irritating, mostly the new breed of (dare I say it) spoilt brats with helicopter parents. The ones who have larger than life sized portraits of themselves on every wall of their parents houses.
I know I know, I need to not run so late and it will all get easier. And I need to not read my friends mummy blogs (bangs head on wall, who cares if the toddler won’t eat breakfast, really… see there vile voice arks up shamelessly)
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Throughout reading this my voice just went “yeah, yeah!” and rejoiced at the fact that someone else managed to articulate so well what I’ve been trying to express all week!
I’ve been through a rough two or three weeks where the SLIGHTEST LITTLE THING brought about that voice – at work, with friends, in my car… This week’s been fantastic and I’m back on my own pollyanna kick, but the way you put it is amazing: I realised that the problem was the ol’ cliche human torment, feeling alone. Distanced from my friends, my own visions of the bigger picture I’d been working towards and just generally distanced from everyone.
I found voicing the voice works. (Obviously not in all it’s bitchy glory, but a tempered down version of it.) Opening my trap and telling friends and family that I was at a loss, and confronting those individuals who I knew I had particular petty little issues with. Most were resolved, except for one instance in which it helped me cut out a negative presence.
‘K, I’ll stop hogging space now! Thanks so much for this post!
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I do this A LOT!
Normally when I am in a rush or a little grumpy… it is good to put a stop to it because you’re the only one who suffers getting all stressed and judgy!
Great post, makes me feel better knowing everyone does
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I like all the comments here.
But I also think we are human beings. It’s quite natural and healthy to let off steam sometimes… and move on.
You know what, I also learn and must confess this: the niggling voices in my head disappear as soon as I stop being SELF INDULGENT.
Have you tried?
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[...] How do you cope with the judgey judgey voice in your head? – Sarah Wilson lets us into her brain and also looks at a few ways we can combat our nasty [...]
[...] Why? Well, basically, everyone has a mean little voice inside of them. Sarah Wilson articulates it perfectly here. [...]
I also have that judgy vile voice in my head. I try to contain it but it slips out in which I aplogize immediately, but then the vile voice turns on me and it can be very nasty, crude and unforgiving. I see a shrink soon. Thank goodness
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There’s no doubt that Relating to theoretically displaced our thought process… My spouse and i get by myself viewing Monstrous Bee & Phineas and also Ferb even when Dale is just not right here.
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