Question: “you’re an anxious person, how do you enjoy life!?”
Reader Cammy this week asked me this:
“I’m an anxious person, very annoying, but you have made me feel like maybe I can deal with it. Thanks!! How do you deal with anxiety and enjoy things when you’re feeling anxious. Please! I would love to know what you do.”
I’m a very anxious person. It’s the background soundtrack to my existence. When you’re an anxious person, you notice things a lot. I’ve noticed there are different types of anxiety. But regardless, I reckon the beat (or buzz) of the soundtrack is the same. It’s common to the human experience.
At different stages in my life anxiety has ruled, and crippled, me.
The thing is, you can struggle with it. Or you can work with it. I don’t think we’re not meant to be anxious. I don’t think we’re not meant to be anything. We just are.
Happiness is generally impossible for longer than 15 minutes. We are the descendants of creatures who, above all else, worried.” Alain de Botton
Worrying about worrying is very familiar to the anxious person. Constant monitoring of your level of “Hey, I’m cool”-ness is too. Ditto, thinking that everyone else goes home content and anxiety-free, jumps into bed and sleeps sound.
I reckon we all get to the bathroom mirror on our way to the bedroom at night and look at ourselves and wonder if we’re doing this caper called life right. None of us are. All of us are.
I love Stephen Fry for the fact he reminds us of this, constantly sharing on Twitter his doubt and anxiety and sadness. Dave Eggers, too, in interviews.
Anxiety has made my life good
I don’t particularly feel like dwelling on the anxiety bit of Cammy’s question. The “how do I enjoy things” bit is more interesting. I think anxiety pushes us. It exists to do so – it’s part of the flight or fight mechanism and helps us friggen fire up. If it makes us stall with terror at times, it eventually makes conditions so unbearable that we ricochet off to a new important direction eventually. This is how we moved forward as humans since our primitive beginnings. Some of us get niggling, uneasy feelings (that this tundra is not the place to camp for the night), we investigate (look around the rocky outcrop and see a pride of lions), and motivate everyone to high-tail. Anxious people saved clans. Anxiety kept the human race moving forward.
Anxiety has pushed me to do wonderful things. The hyper-awareness it affords has landed me in this career. It’s made me a participant, not a mere passenger, in life.
Of course, it’s also taken over. The trick is to find a sweet spot. Where you allow yourself to be who you are, but you curb the extremes.
Mostly, I find soothing my anxiety works best. I don’t fight it. I work through it.
some tricks i employ
* Notice your anxiety. Witness it deliberately. Don’t let it wash over you. I used to let it build up, subliminally pushing it back, thinking it shouldn’t be there. But simply saying “Hello there Anxiety” lessens it’s havoc.
* I’ve learned that anxiety feels and smells a lot like excitement. So I choose to interpret it as the latter as often as possible. Standing on the precipice, about to jump into something new, I feel anxious. But it’s excitement when you pause and reflect on it. When you see it this way it’s BLOODY FUN! I switch the interpretation. I’m allowed to!
* When I’m doing something definitely scary, I let my anxiety have the stage. It’s always got me through maths exams and driver’s tests and TV gigs. I let it express itself. Which might sound irresponsible. But I’ve found it’s only when you put the breaks on it’s forceful charge through your system that it leads to things like freak-outs or brain freezes. Let it be and it will be less so.
* When you’ve been anxious during the day, take a good 20 minutes out in a quiet room and just sit and be still. We must rest our adrenals. We must.
* To this end, I take a concoction that Angela Hywood made for me – rehmannia and licorice – to support my adrenals so I don’t burn out.
* Meditate. Just meditate. Your anxiety appears comical when you meditate. You become rather fond of it eventually. “Oh, there you are again, Anxiety. You can’t help yourself, can you!?”
* Notice moments where anxiety melts. I like this passage from DH Lawrance’s Women in Love. Anxious Ursula and Birkin have had a fight. Then they have sex. Full-on, engorged (sorry!) sex. Then they go down for tea and Ursula serves the tea.
She was usually nervous and uncertain at performing these public duties, such as giving tea. But today she forgot, she was at her ease, entirely forgetting to have misgivings. The tea-pot poured beautifully from a proud slender spout, her eyes were warm with smiles. She had learned at last to be still and perfect.
Sex helps anxiety. It stills it. So does walking. So does yoga. So does washing the dishes a little bit slower. So does anything that has a soothing rhythm. Finding things that ease you into flow or flow you into ease – and doing them daily - is key. Over and over. Over time, as you get older, it turns the dial down on the background soundtrack.
I hope this post hasn’t been too grey and indulgent. What do you do to still anxiety?
you read my mind!
moving house this week – has been mega stressful (add to that recently diagnosed hashimotos)
i have always been the anxious type and am aware of my anxiety at these times, but that doesnt calm it
i have dreams where the brain is madly organizing things and i just cant switch it off
went and lay in the park for 30 mins after work on monday
and on tuesday we got an apartment
love the world, even if it is a little crazy
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February 16th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
that’s exactly how the world works. open up some space, and stuff comes in. yay!
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As someone who suffers from sometimes crippling anxiety, I couldn’t agree with you more.
Particularly your comments that walking and washing the dishes helps! Often I find myself at the sink in the office scrubbing other peoples coffee cups. I know people might think it strange but it does wonders to calm me down.
And yes, I too try to interpret that feeling as excitement. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.
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tHANK YOU soo much Sarah! This couldn’t of come on a better day. I have to make a really big speech… (i’m only 21, and its very scary) Thank you thank you. A million times thanks.
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February 16th, 2011 at 12:21 pm
pleasure! good luck xx
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How would you define “a passenger in life”?
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February 16th, 2011 at 12:21 pm
you wake up. the day passes. you respond benignly to occurrences, the bare minimum. you don’t grab life and shake it up and tear it open and have a good HARD look and ask yourself, “is this what I want?”, “can i bring more to it?”…
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Do you know why you feel anxious?
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I love this post. Thank you on so many levels. Thank you for helping me realise I am not alone. And in not being alone, I am also in great company.
xo
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I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at sixteen, so it has been about fifteen years. At times my anxiety resided quietly in the pit of my stomach, just enough for me to be aware of it but not interfere too much. Other times my anxiety ruled my every more to the point of preventing me from going to the grocery store. I have read piles of books, seen different doctors and therapists, and tried several techniques to cope with it. They would help in different ways, but something would always happen in my life that would take me right back to the beginning.
Last year I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (after a particularly bad six months of panic attacks). I felt like I had too many things stacked against me and knew that I needed to really work on my anxiety so that I could effectively devote myself to getting healthy. I decided to finally try hypnosis, which had been suggested to me several times but always seemed like too much money.
After a couple of sessions I was able to go to a concert, which I have not been able to do in more than six years. The hypnosis helped me relax, etc., but most importantly it helped me look at the anxiety from a different angle. My anxiety was trying to protect me, just doing it in the wrong ways. So I have been acknowledging that fact, giving it a moment, and then move on from it. Also I began to look at the anxiety as a challenge. Instead of running away from it, I tell myself to at least try whatever it is I am anxious of and if I am still anxious, I can walk away. So far I have not walked away from anything because once I am in the situation, I realize that I can do it.
Thank you for your website, it always provides me with inspiration!
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February 16th, 2011 at 10:03 pm
I like your approach…not running and allowing yourself to walk if need be. A safety net, a backup plan. Nice!
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A topic close to my heart as I’m sure it’s probably had negative effects on it over the years. Love your comments Sarah…….meditate, just meditate and simply saying ‘hello there Anxiety’. A simple acceptance of what is rather than trying to resist the present moment. Resistance to ‘what is’ is the cause of most, if not all, pain and suffering.
Anyway, I started a blog (motivated at the time by you Sarah) but have been subsequently lazy, maybe even scared! A subject I blogged about was fear and anxiety, something that was a huge part of my life. If you have time have a read dudes:
http://jamesmoranevolving.blogspot.com/
I’ve had this free foating anxiety today and it has taken me back a few years. I’m not sure why and the why isn’t actually important but I usually get a better idea when I am able to free up some space in my mind.
James
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This is so beautiful – I am so grateful for this article… especially the great trick about reframing anxiety as excitement – you & I, Sarah, we must be similar signs and “types”! I am going to need to *literally* carry this list of solutions with me because when I start to “circle the drain” with my anxiety I am incapable of calling up any kind of help or solutions. I usually ring my partner hollaring “WHAT CAN I DO?”
Meditating is my #1 trick. I love the various guided meditation podcasts you can get through iTunes – so helpful whilst in the midst of anxiety when I can’t get to the happy place on my own – guidance and support helps via a nice podcast….
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What a gorgeous article.
I find the worst thing to do with anxiety is to beat yourself up over it. The best thing to do is give yourself permission to feel it (I was surprised how often, upon acknowleging it, that it just went away!) I like to sit with it, and ask what the root cause of it is – usually I am in a situation that reminds me of something bad that has happened in the past, which is useful to know.
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YES i completely agree to acknowledging anxiety. I actually say ‘hello, there. it is you again’ out loud (when i’m alone that is, not on the tram cause i don’t want to startle anybody) and it really helps. let it be. it’s there cause it’s demanding to be heard, so give it some space and it’s damn limelight for a second and then like a demanding child it will fade away. i think it’s important to remember that being anxious isn’t unusual or it doesn’t make us failures. remember: be kind to yourself!!!! great article, sarah
xx
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Super post Sarah – thank you for sharing it with us. I too am an anxious person and having had bouts of panic attacks learnt to grab hold of the “excitement smell” to help me work through it. This helps me adjusting my thinking which I combine with prayer + a set of breathing exercises to get over particularly anxious moments…
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This post is GREAT! I’v saved it so I can read it over and over.
I’m glad you address the question of anxiety. I have recently started therapy, and sometimes I feel really alone with all this. Although I’m sorry to hear that others are struggling with the same issues as me, I’m also glad to hear that I’m not alone and that there are ways to deal with it.
I learned a breathing excercise too, it works wonders when I’m on a plane. I particularly find take-off really scary, so I just close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing. I breathe deeply, in through my nose and exhale through my mouth. The trick is to envision a square in my mind. I follow the lines around as I breathe, one inhale equals one line, then I exhale on the next line etc. Basically it makes me both breathe slower and depper, and it helps to have something to concentrate my mind on too. I don’t know if all this made sense, but if it can help somebody else, it’s worth a try!
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February 18th, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Thanks Marthe, what a great idea to follow the square. My mind often wanders in those situations, often racing away from me, but it loves straight lines and patterns so that could really work for me. So simple, thanks!
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I used to get anxiety badly when I was a city slicker, I would get overwhelmed in meetings or in rooms I couldn’t get out of , client meetings etc…
Back then, sometimes I would exit situations my attacks so severe, these days, I try and listen to what anxiety has to say about a situation and assess whether it is me talking or an old tape from wayback — usually I find it is repeating old stuff and so I am constantly trying to reprogram my soundtrack which takes some time, but I am finding more positive stories to tell myself when anxiety strikes, hopefully soon I will fully believe them.
I like your technique as interpreting it as excitement instead, I shall give that a whirl.
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February 17th, 2011 at 11:07 am
Great to hear. I promise you Sharni (and I don’t like doing that) that the tapes you are recording over will start to become more automatic.
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Great post, Sarah. My anxiety has ruled much of the past twenty years … but I am slowly, slowly, learning to deal with it. Thanks for all the great advice – and for the reminder to rest and meditate – I needed that today!
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Hi Sarah, what an amazing photograph! It is actually my best friends son Ziggy. Michelle is a professional photographer…..You might like to check out her work at http://michelledupont.com.au/blog/
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February 16th, 2011 at 10:11 pm
My goodness… I feel terrible…I didn’t credit the pic. To be honest I think I found it on Flickr. I checked out MIchelle’s work. Gorgeous kid stuff. My goodness. And those shots of Ziggy…delicate and deep. Her name rings a bell…Syndey-based?
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February 16th, 2011 at 10:29 pm
Tasmanian! Based in the North West
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February 17th, 2011 at 8:16 pm
Wow, that is a boy? I shared this article with a few friends and my first comment was to check out how pretty the little girl was! Oops.
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I have always struggled a lot with anxiety and have always felt is it something of which to be ashamed. As a teenager I always wondered why life was so unfair as to make me different- why did I have to be constantly anxious to the point if nausea? Why did I feel so crippled I couldn’t leave the house? Now, in my mud twenties, I have found tge tools to support myself through anxiety and they have changed my life. I know mow the things I have to do- the yoga, exercise, uplifting company and good nutrition- that gets me through. I gave learnt to hold an inner light, even in the depths of darkness, trusting that nothing is permanent, believing I will come out the other side. The crutches I have turned to as support have changed my life. Yoga is mynpath and without anxiety I may not have been led to it. Anxiety is a constant, always present in varying degrees but always a reminder of the importance of pushing the boundaries and moving out of my comfort zone. Now the things that make me anxious, I go out of my way to do, having vowed that I would never allow it to control my life. I have also found an easiness with it… The personal courage that overcoming anxiety demands every dag has cultivated an inner strength that I am proud of. I no longer hide my anxiety, but see it as a challenge that makes me stronger. And, opening up and living more honestly, I’ve realized how many other people battle with the same demons. Waking up every day anxious and afraid and yet living life to the full anyway… I’d say that’s pretty brave
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February 17th, 2011 at 11:03 am
I’d say it’s bloody brave…..facing your fears, not necessarily overcoming them!
Fantastic and inspiring…….good on you Tameka.
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This is a very useful post – thanks! I am freaking out because of my exams these days – I have to work through that.
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Hi Sarah
Wonderful post (and blog!).
I am at times crippled by anxiety, and it is a constant lurking presence in my life. I have found that ‘surfing the wave’ of an anxiety moment can help. When I get an attack I acknowledge, tell myself I have survived before and will survive this time, and that the next 20 minutes or so might feel yucky, but I am not going die/passout/throw up/spin off the planet. So I just sit (if possible – sitting helps) and ride the wave.
Other things that help are staying hydrated (it gets much worse when I am dehydrated), not overloading myself with crappy food, yoga, meditation, focusing on breathing. Even chewing a piece of chewing gum or sucking on a mint sometimes helps when I am in that anxiety moment (stops the clammy mouth).
Also, my Ipod! If I am getting freaked out in crowds or overwhelmed by smells, noise, too much city-ness and busy-ness, then tuning into my IPod, listening to some music or a Podcast can really assist with some much needed distraction from what is going on, and focus on what is happening internally.
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I invite it in for a cup of tea – yes I actually visualise this – and we make friends!
Thanks for a gorgeous, thoughtful post. Love it.
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Insightful as always Sarah
I love the idea of their being a sweet spot.
One thing I find useful regarding anticipatory anxiety (going to a party where I don’t know many people, doing a speaking gig etc) is to practice some positive rehearsal in my head on the way. Instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong I try to shut off the negative preview and imagine walking into a room and finding people open and welcoming, being able to fit right in and have a good time. It’s a far more pleasant fantasy, so sometimes I can arrive with a genuine smile, not a anxious one.
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[...] Read more of Sarah’s tips on enjoying life with anxiety. [...]
I believe that any characteristic has the power to serve us or holds us back, depending on how we approach it. This is such a fabulous way of describing how anxiety does not have to be debilitating. In working with clients using the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we talk about how it’s the struggle against the anxiety that produces pain, not the anxiety itself.
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[...] to my anxiety post a few days ago, I think confusion in the creativity process is really gut churning. It throws [...]
So great to read this. Anxiety and panic attacks can be very not fun. Strangely, I discovered jazz a few years ago – the old-school, Billie/Miles/Chet kind – and find it has an incredibly calming effect on my soul. Highly recommended!
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Hi Sarah
I (along with many commenters!) suffer from anxiety and depression. Looking for some balance & food based approaches – some info on naturopaths/dieticians etc would be great – what do they do? whats the difference? what can they help with?
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February 21st, 2011 at 10:54 am
Hi Hannah, I’ve done a bit on this recently. I’m in Melbourne, have long-term depression, more recently panic attacks / generalised anxiety as well. Over the past three years I have worked with two different holistic doctors (GPs who also have qualifications in complementary approaches like homeopathy, naturopathy etc and aim to treat the whole person and the underlying problem, rather than just the symptoms), and a homeopath, and made a LOT of dietary and lifestyle changes.
All of these things have definitely helped my overall health on lots of levels, and the homeopath has been particularly effective with some of the hormonal imbalances I had going on, but I can’t say they’ve cracked the anxiety nut in any significant way. I have spent a small fortune on supplements like SAMe, Proxan, Restoracalm, St John’s Wort etc, addressed a case of hyperthyroidism and got my celiac disease under control, but nothing seemed to touch the sides on the anxiety. It may be that I wasn’t seeing the right people or getting the right advice, but after three years I gave up and went back on an anti-depressant that specifically addresses anxiety. It was only then that I got some real relief.
I won’t be giving up the good habits – dark leafy greens every day are important (I juice mine and chug them back), as are Vit Bs and iron etc etc – but for me, they weren’t enough at this point in my life.
Obviously, this is just one person’s experience and I wouldn’t dream of suggesting it’s relevant for all.
Good luck. Tough road!
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Thanks Sarah. At the age of 27 I started to suffer from crippling anxiety as a result of an ongoing illness which I believe was due to a burnout. Almost a year has passed and I have been dominated by this anxiety most days.
It is so nice to know that I am not alone as I have felt so alone in going through this, although my heart goes out to all of these other people dealing with it too.
On the bright side, this article just helps me feel like I am going to beat this and I am giong to come out the otherside a much more mindful and confident person than I once was.
Thank you !
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