Reader Dani commented on the Rules of Life post I did a while back and pointed me to Marion Winik’s “Rules for the Unruly”.
Rule #5: be gentle with your parents.
A reminder of much worth, I think. Our parents need our gentleness and we need the full, whole feeling that we get when we give it to them.
Part of the reason I can be rough and impatient with mine: I find it difficult watching my parents get older…and slower. It coincides with life speeding up beyond what most of us can deal with. For their kids, the two paces – ours and theirs – often grate. When I see my parents I have to consciously slip into third gear. Otherwise I might just self-combust as they ask me again for directions to my house. Or bicker about who’s fault it was that mum’s glasses were left in the car.
It’s also…what’s the right word…. dispiriting (?) a reminder of our mortality (?) to see our parents become the vulnerable ones. They were always the authority. They knew shit. It’s hard to swap the roles. But the passing of the baton is really significant. I’ve been able to be far more gentle with mine since I’ve picked up the baton.
PS in the pic above Dad can’t follow the card game and does the same dumb move over and over. Or something like that.
PPS the pic below…when M and D were in their teens…D trying some dumb move on M.
This picture is pure love. Thanks for sharing.
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March 28th, 2011 at 9:58 am
I forgot to mention that I meant the picture with you and your parents.
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March 28th, 2011 at 11:18 am
The second pic is beautiful as well – I think the move is working!
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Oh, how I can relate to that! It’s been my struggle in the past years. I always feel like I’m going to snap every time I’m with my parents. Time seems to dilate in their presence…
And it makes me feel so bad and ungrateful to have to “force” myself to be kind and patient with them.
Recently though, we reached a stepping stone in our relationship; my mother started to say things like “You were right, I did what you told me and it worked.” (My mother is über stubborn and always right, see.) It surprised me, delighted me, and made it much easier for me to be gentle with her.
Because in order for us to pick up the baton, they have to loosen their grip on it!
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March 28th, 2011 at 11:35 am
they have to loosen their grip on it! …so true!!!
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Yes, yes and yes. Especially the part about swapping roles. At 22, it’s a bit of a tug-of-war.
At the moment I am also working on gently managing my parents’ expectations… of me.
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Oh Sarah, you post comes at such a perfect moment for me. I adore my mother, I could not do what I do (big fulltime job, two kids, husband, house etc) without her – she helps out when I travel. But when I am with her I find I am so intolerant of her as you say “slipping into third gear”. I even know I am doing it and can’t seem to stop. As I result I feel shitty. She is so marvellous and wonderful and never says anything, but if I were her I’d tell me not to be such a cow.
I will today try to move forgiving of her slow walk, and hardness of hearing.
Thanks for the timely reminder. Teary now.
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Last night I wrote in my journal ‘ I am worried about my Dad, I haven’t really connected with him for ages, and if I’m honest, he seems sad and inside himself all of the time. Tomorrow I am going to take the time to BE with him. To talk to him. To listen’.
I wonder if he has been trying to hand me the baton for ages. And I have been running as fast as I can in the opposite direction rather than acknowledge that he and Mum are getting older and slower.
Bring on the gentle phase x
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March 28th, 2011 at 11:36 am
nice!
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I can really relate to this – I’ve just had my mum over to stay for 10 days. Some things that she is so inflexible on – like refusing to drive in Sydney for the past 10 years or so. But then she is ruthlessly efficient about other things – like cleaning and tidying (which I do the least possible amount of….). Leaving the house before 9.30am seemed to be pretty much impossible too.
Our parents have given us so much, something that is more and more obvious to me as I do things for my little girl. We owe them time & respect above everything else.
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Thank you Sarah, this is one of your most timely posts for me. This last week I have dealt with my mother’s degenerative illness, her potential impending hospital visit and having to listen to her questions my ‘unusual’ lifestyle as I opt to follow my heart which means at this time being unemployed while I do some soul searching.
It’s been tough and painful to go through but you described it so well with ‘passing the batton’. It almost feels like a break up? Breaking away from Mum. I have to remind myself to be gentle with myself and with her at this time, to support her and to pick up that batton with the same strength she once had. It’s part difficult but also part of life too.
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Hi Sarah, now I understand your hype about Bondi. I’m from Melb and it was our first time up there on the weekend. WHAT A FANTASTIC PLACE! I was expecting it to be much like the St Kilda Esplanade, but there is absolutely no comparison. The place has such a happy vibe and we had the best meal at Pompeii.
When I told my daughter where I was going, she insisted I go on Bondi Resuce. Not sure if she meant as a spectator or victim!
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March 28th, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Oh, if I’d known I would’ve recommended a few places…and a stop-off to see the Bondi Rescue boys!
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Lovely post Sarah…gentleness is a beautiful word and is much underrated…super photos too. Thanks for sharing more of your folks with us.
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You are very wise, Sarah.
It is good to try to remind ourselves that our parents had similar frustrations and feelings when they were our age. Keep talking and listening and loving.
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March 28th, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Hello in Oregon!
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I think gentleness is great, but only when it is accompanied by boundaries. Human beings who are not nice people do not automatically become nice people just because they gave birth. We are such a complex species, with so many nuances and variables that can govern our behaviour, and unfortunately there seems to be this myth in our society that “mother is always right.” What if mother is abusive, or violent, or alcoholic, or mentally ill? Or all four, in my case?
Forgive me for whinging… I wouldnt ordinarily have commented on this post, because its not really the kind of thing people like to hear. But I have realised lately how many people are in my situation. Not talking about it, and feeling ashamed. I think that’s sad.
So the point to this (yes there is a point, I dont think I have Sarah’s eloquence but bear with me!) is that gentlness works just as well even if you dont have the kind of loving supportive family you want, or even if your family is loving but not entirely functional. (Let’s face it.. whose is?) Gentleness always at least helps a bit. Even in worse case scenarios when you need to detach from your family for the sake of your own health, there is always a choice between detaching with anger and detaching with love. Even if people around you do not necessarily agree with your choice. At the end of the day, its a lot more pleasant than being angry, and is good for the soul. Sooner or later it becomes counter-productive to our own lives to carry around our past hurts. Im not perfect at this, but I love the idea.
I love both those photos Sarah, by the way.
xxx
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March 29th, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Very true and well put !!
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I love looking at photos of mum and dad when they were younger, they made it all look so easy…
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What a great post for me to read and what wonderful timing! Right now I am staying with my folks who live interstate for 5 weeks to help out while Dad recovers from open heart surgery and both of them are emotional wrecks.
Many years ago I realised the part about ‘gentleness’ (I just didn’t have think of that word for it. My word was tolerance but now I reaslise I need both tolerance and gentleness).
So when I find myself getting frustrated by their different ways of doing things, their way of looking after (or not looking after) their health, their reluctance to try things that might make their lives easier, their forgetfulness, their oldness, …. I have to remind myself that what works for me may not for them, and it’s not my place to force it. Mum and I are both naturally bossy people, so the potential is there for sparks to fly. But we’ve talked about that, and both make the effort to not be bossy. We both slip up, but we both give each other “the look” and then have a laugh.
These days instead of telling them what they “should” be doing, I make suggestions. Fairly often they actually listen to me, and actually do what I suggested!
I adore my parents. They are really nice people and if they weren’t my parents I’d definately pick them as friends. We get along so well, laugh often, hug often, talk lots. I love the relationship I have with them.
I think the current situation with out baton is it passes back and forth a bit. We try not to get into tug-of-war with it, and each have to learn to loosen the grip sometimes.
It was really interesting reading your article and all the comments. Thanks.
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I hope I have been gentle and tolerant of my most fantastic mother. There are times when I feel the fustration, but always make sure I step back a bit and if need be, we would have a laugh about how things change as she (and I) are getting older. How much more anxious and worried she is these days. What personality trait of mine is going to come to the front for me later in life? I hope it’s not the nagging one, otherwise my poor son is going to cop it
The most important thing I found is to slow down with Mum when I am with her. It is so much better and a great way to just relax and be for a while without rushing and stressing! Mum would often say one of us kids have borrowed something and not returned it at some stage. It can be a little fustrating. But we’ve turned it into a family joke now. As soon as Mum is off looking for something, one of us will chirp up and say that we borrowed it and ate it, or framed it, or cast it in bronze for future generation as it was just too precious and Mum goes from anxious to laughing.
Love your articles Sarah. Very inspiring. And love your take on excercise. I’ve been doing some big training, but have been coming to the conclusion that all I really need to do is just get out there, whatever it is. 20 mins is worth it. An hour may not be.
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My Mum and I have a funny relationship, I’m an only child, she’s a single mum (not any more) but over the last few years we have grown apart. We haven’t grown apart in a bad way just in a way where we are on different pages. I love my mother dearly but lately I find it hard to express that. I miss her but she’s only a 45 min drive away, how do I let her know how much I love her but at the same time let her know that I am busy?
We haven’t been the same since we lost Max. Max was an adopted blue healer that became our family glue, she was our rock. I was in my 20′s when she had to go and if I look at it, mum and I haven’t really connected since.
I don’t know my dad, up until the last few years I didn’t want to, but now I think about him now.
What I have learnt is that parents are people, I used to dream that my dad left because he was some kind of super hero and that mum stated to look after me until I could be a hero too. But the reality was much darker.
I didn’t really have a constructive comment, but it was really good to think about this topic, especially for someone who avoids it.
So I’m going to call mum just to say hi.
And if anyone has any ideas on how to find my dad please let me know.
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March 29th, 2011 at 8:23 am
Don’t worry Adam. I’ve found him.
http://mcaaron.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/bald-monkey.gif
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March 29th, 2011 at 8:45 am
That explains my tree climbing ability
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March 29th, 2011 at 8:50 am
But seriously, is there an agency or has anyone done it before? I don’t even know where to start
March 29th, 2011 at 1:02 pm
I’m pretty sure the Salvation Army can help Adam, or may be able to point you in the right direction. Good luck
http://salvos.org.au/familytracing/about-us/family-tracing-service/
March 29th, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Adam, in all seriousness I can’t help you but I wish you all the best with the search pal.
March 29th, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Is your name really Jessica Rabbit? That is brilliant.
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March 29th, 2011 at 2:37 pm
No Jason it’s just a nickname that stuck, my first name is Jessica though.
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March 29th, 2011 at 1:55 pm
“How do I let her know how much I love her but at the same time let her know that I am busy?” In my opinion… just like that.
My partner actually didnt meet his dad until he was 18… his mum moved countries and they lost contact when he was too little to remember. His dad chased them down through Salvation Army, they are really great, so I would give them a try. My partners’ situation turned out happy as his dad moved to Australia to be with them, but many arent so happy, so might I tentatively/ politely suggest counselling or talking to someone if you do it? Its a huge step which will have some kind of emotional repercussions no matter the outcome.
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Sarah, you have a beautiful deft hand at writing about family. Add this to you book as a chapter or theme (I think theme would be the go). Plenty of your family photos too for context and to connect the writing back to you making the book even more personal.
I think Mia’s comments are contentious yet very appealing. Are perfect, functional families in the majority? It seems every 2nd person loves to talk about their quirky, idiosyncratic family situation. I think the Ken & Barbie setup is rarer than we think, maybe 20% or less?
Anyhow, you seem very in sync with discussing the family dynamic and it’s nuances. Love your work, keep at it.
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March 28th, 2011 at 10:51 pm
Didn’t Barbie leave Ken for that much younger Aussie surfer or is that just a fantasy I’ve been having!!
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March 29th, 2011 at 1:56 pm
Yeah, there was a surfer called Wayde! I remember that!
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March 29th, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Of course he was called Wayde!
March 29th, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Thanks Paul. My family, by no stretch, is easy sailing. It’s getting better, though. A lot of forgiveness required. The chapter concept…not a bad one!
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A good read which can strike the chord of guilt….For those of us who are lucky to have approachable parents, it’s a shame it can sometimes take so long to treat them gently. I can’t help feeling a little arrogant and patronising when I say that though. After all, they are our parents. I wish I had been more patient with my Dad years ago, wishing he would spit out his story a little quicker. In truth, he was fine, I was the problem. My amazing Mum is still around and gets my full attention. My comment on arrogance stems from considering we have to be gentle, as if they are not as clever or knowledgeable as their own children. They are of course, and are ‘gently’ hoping we will recognise it. Being kind to your parents is better learned early rather than late; our parents that we think may be doddering are waiting for their Grandkids to wreak a specific revenge. I hope my kids will be gentle with me. William.
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March 29th, 2011 at 3:53 pm
“gently hoping we will recognise it”….very true!!
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I have been focusiung on the intentions of acceptance and understanding in my meditation and as I live my day. Yesterday, I thought I need to expand this intention or be more concentrated in my efforts to place my parents under this umbrella. What a perfect post to keep me “honest” & committed.
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In my nursing training I’ve seen some pretty intense people with illness. Sometimes young, sometimes old. It always makes my heart drop a little in my chest when I’m allocated a patient who is the same age as my parents and who has really serious illness; cancer, cardiac disease, renal failure, etc. My parents had me at 36 and 38 (and were 46 and 48 when they had my youngest brother) and I’m PETRIFIED of losing them. Firstly because although I don’t live in the same country as the rest of my family, I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t call them. Secondly because I love them and when you love people that much, it almost seems like the sun wouldn’t rise another day without them. Thirdly – totally selfishly – if anything happens to my parents, then I’ll be looking after my now 11 year old brother and I honestly don’t think I could do that well. Damn this blasted ageing process.
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