Brene Brown’s tips for getting real with yourself
As I shared a few post back, I met Brene Brown face-to-face during her Australian visit (Sunday Life column on the matter to come).
via Everything is Going to Be OK
Her big thing, the thing that resonated for me when I read The Gifts of Imperfection was that making a change in your life is about getting serious, deliberate. You can talk about it, think about it, half do it…
but if it really matters to you, you have to fire up and hone your actions
and bunker down and BE IT. Live it.
I asked her how she actually does it. How does she prepare for it. Run up to it. Jump to it.
Her answer:
No sugar
No flour
Exercise
And prayer. Specifically The Serenity Prayer.
Oh, I said. Me too. Of sorts. And we talked about this.
I know most of you who read my posts are on the same boat. We’re all wanting to get more committed and aligned to what matters to us. And to leave more of what doesn’t serve us at the last port. It’s friggen hard to do. And we can spend years trying to run from it, do it in half measure…only to fall back to our old ways again.
I’m finding the only way to make the leap into change is to be clear. So I try to get as clear – and thus deliberate – as I can each day. There’s nothing magic to this. Or inaccessible. Just diligence. It’s friggen hard.
But this is what I do:
No sugar or gluten
Meditation
Exercise in the morning
Less alcohol (it’s now down to one glass of wine at a time…anything else fuzzes me up the next day)
Reducing e-distractions. Words With Friends is going to have to go…I’m playing it at 11pm when I’m trying to commit to early nights!
And here’s the one that’s really a pearler:
Committing to everything I do. Even the small stuff, like deciding to eat lunch at 12.30, not 1.30. Or whatever.
Because every time I commit, it builds up my deliberate muscle. Even if the decision might not be ideal, I’m practicing committing.
OK, I should be at my computer instead of riding into the Post Office at 9am. But I’m on my way now. Let’s do this thing with elan and purpose and make it happen!!! Bam!
What do you do to get serious and real with yourself? Actually, more interestingly, what are you wanting to get deliberate about…I’m betting we’re mostly seeking the same thing…
What made me get real with myself was imposed on me – my dad passing away from cancer at 52 made me stop and completely re-evaluate how I was living my life: what I was doing, eating, who I was seeing, and what was important to me all came under the spotlight. A part of this process was/is learning to be gentle with myself and accepting what I can’t change, or that I will have days when I just don’t want to get out and face the world – and that’s okay. And spending more time with my family is what revitalises me!
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I was debilitated for 2 years while I tried to work out how to deal with my severe gut issues. Finally I found out how to stabilize it. I started going back to class, got a job and realized that the exercise I’ve been procrastinating about for years isn’t actually a hard thing to do an the junk/fatty foods aren’t something I need. I feel like I have a second chance and I don’t want to spoil it, I now focus on myself and don’t sweat the small stuff. Friends, family and my health are whats important!
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July 11th, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Thats fantastic. As a fellow gut sufferer, do you have any tips?
Thanks
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July 11th, 2011 at 5:01 pm
never take one doctor or specialists word, always get a second/third/forth opinion till you find whats right for you. it took me 2 years, 2 gastroentorologists, at least 10 GP’s, a natropath, 3 dietitians and a colonoscopy till I found one that diagnosed me correctly. Try and be as healthy as you can be, listen to your body and stay away from stress. There are so many causes of gut problems and it can take a long time to find what triggers your, but it is definitely possible!
Hope they were helpful tips
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July 11th, 2011 at 5:20 pm
Thank you. That’s great advice.
It took me a L-O-N-G time to realize what my authentic self really was/is. For so long I tried to be what I thought I was supposed to be – that I could have it all- career, husband,family,beautiful house, material stuff.
Eventually, I finally understood that having it all was having TOO MUCH! I could not keep it up. I was exhausted, but worse, I was deeply unhappy.
The catalyst to really working out what I needed to do was when my brother-in-law died at the age of 42 from motor neuron’s disease.It was the wake up call I needed(sadly) to see that I was not living the authentic life I should be living.I didn’t want to waste anymore time.
So I stopped working so much. I spent more time doing what I wanted to do – caring for my family, gardening and growing vegetables. Focusing on what nourished me, and my family. Less social life, more family life, more time outside, home-cooking with seasonal vegetables – that sort of thing.
We struggle a bit financially , but it is more than worth the struggle to have a healthy, happy mob of kids(and hubby!). Oh – and me too!
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July 11th, 2011 at 9:44 pm
The too much thing is a big theme for so many of us…cutting back is key
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I have been changing too. Or perhaps not changing, but learning how to embrace and value who I actually am. I’ve been through many enlightening processes in the past couple of years and feel so much better in so many ways. But there is a loss; I’ve found that in my realignment, I’ve struggled with friends (not those precious long-standing relationships that nothing can dent, but unfortunately those friends of mine are on the other side of the globe!). I crave deeper, more meaningful connections and was shocked to discover that I didn’t actually have that with the group of people I called my friends. Is this an experience any other readers have had?
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July 11th, 2011 at 10:58 pm
I did too but my deeper connection was bizarrely about a sense of humour. So I went through a relationship breakdown and just realised the people who talked and talked about it with me actually were doing more harm than good and the person I had the deepest most beautiful connection with, never talks about it. If I want to I can but we just enjoy the tiny funny things in life. And now I have realised this is real friendship, the one that doesn’t judge u, they just make u laugh.
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What am I wanting to get deliberate about? Hmm… first thing that springs to mind is that if you are looking for the “right” partner, stop wasting your time with the wrong ones. People only change if they want to, so either accept people as they are or move on. The trick with this though is you have to be willing not to settle. And spend a lot of time single. Takes integrity. It can be really easy to stay where you are comfortable but not necessarily happy.
I can also echo cutting out the inflammatory junk in your diet and commiting. I think most people want to feel less flabby… in all senses!
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July 11th, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Just wanted to add a slightly different perspective on this Mia – I’ve been married for 10 years and not all of that time has been happy, that’s the truth. There was a time when I seriously considered divorce, and that’s with two children in the mix. But, despite the (sometimes huge) challenges, I have come to see great value in perseverance. As long as there are no unacceptable behaviours (violence, abuse and so on), the lessons to be learned can be the very lessons you NEED to learn. Dissatisfaction with others (in this case a partner) is more often a dissatisfaction with the self, right?
What I’m trying to say is that this notion that you shouldn’t ‘settle’ may sometimes need to be challenged. Significant relationships need time. What you see in someone in the first six months may be no indication of what you’ll see in them in six years. I’m not for a minute suggesting you hang in just for the sake of it, but I do honestly believe that there are many opportunities for rewarding relationships that are brushed aside or cut short because on the surface, they don’t look ‘right’, or that expectations are not met quickly enough.
I am so glad I didn’t divorce my husband. He has been my greatest teacher. Two human being coming together is always going to be a mixed bag of dysfunctions and imperfections. It takes integrity to stick with things too, to be willing to accept and learn from unhappiness and dissatisfaction and come out the other side.
Just another way to look at it is all, no personal judgements about you or your situation at all.
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July 11th, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Very fair, Viola. I agree with all of that.
We all have times where we fight, dont behave our best, and let people down. Its only human, and as long as we are generally loving and courteous then its fair to expect our partners to forgive us. It goes both ways. As long as both parties wish to work on the relationship its saveable.
However I was referring to when people cheat, lie and deliberately mislead you. You know, the “wrong” partners we all know in our gut when we see. I have been guilty in the past of staying in these unhealthy relationships way too long and eroding my own self-confidence in the process.
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July 11th, 2011 at 11:03 pm
Viola you are so right. I can’t even begin to say it and forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give. It’s sets you free and the other person.
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[...] http://www.sarahwilson.com.au/2011/07/brene-browns-tips-for-getting-real-with-yourself/#more-2847 [...]
HALLELUJAH!
Today is the day that I get serious! It was before I read your blog, but isn’t it funny how when you’re ready to face and change things everything around you leads you in the right direction.
I arrived in Sydney 6 months ago with wild and grand ideas of creating a personal training business that would be wholesome and realistic and move people not only physically but emotionally, socially and spiritually. I have worked in several places for incredible entrepreneurs and thought I had it in me to do it on my own. What a shock I got when I arrived to such a saturated market governed by the likes of scoopon et al, that has somewhat compromised the quality of training for a bargain.
Over the weekend I sat myself down, gave myself a stern talking to and decided that today is the day to get real with myself and get deliberate with my actions, after all the clients aren’t going to fall into my lap! Thanks for the reminder that it’s OK to take my time, as long as I’m actually working towards what I set out to achieve.
Sarah, sometimes I feel like you’re my little conscience sitting pretty on my shoulder!
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July 11th, 2011 at 9:45 pm
I’m glad I’m sitting pretty…not nagging!
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The saying on my calendar this week is a quote from Julie Andrews:
‘Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.’
I think this is so true. Being focused and disciplined does free you up in other ways to get more out of life. I am learning to be more disciplined in terms of checking in with myself, of recognising when things don’t sit right, of acting in good faith and speaking up for what I believe in.
I am about to move out on my own for the first time in my life. Once upon a time this would have made me anxious but now I am so excited about the opportunity it will give me to develop the habits I want in life, and to learn who I really am without having to adapt and bend to someone else.
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I am getting deliberate about writing…. everyday. And clicking publish. Even if it’s not that good.
Of course, there are many, many things I want and need to get deliberate about. Really quitting sugar (I have limited my intake substantially but a little has crept back in), exercising everyday, crowding out my tv watching with reading good books. But one thing at a time!
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Kapow! You just dropped a big old truth bomb with this post!
The last week in general has been a big old wakeup call to stop worrying about everyone else; about old hurts; and everything that’s wrong – and get clear on what I want to do next. And then just do it, for goodness sake!
I agree the trick is to not weigh yourself down when you’re trying to launch – be it unhealthy food, bad sleep patterns or fear of failure.
As the saying goes, “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”
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Great post Sarah. I’m doing her online Ordinary Courage course, starts tomorrow!
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July 11th, 2011 at 9:45 pm
My friend did it and loved it…
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PS: Love the Serenity Prayer too!
I remember reading 20 years ago in that tomb with a cheesy grinning Anthony Robbins on the cover (Awakin The Giant Within) that all personal change happens in an instant – the moment we decide to commit. Things thereafter will never be the same.
I always remember that quote.
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Oh my goodness, yes I agree Brooke, Sarah I think must have been sitting on my shoulder today too!! Although for the past mmm 4 years I have gone to sleep everynight and woken with the thought – what’s my purpose, what’s my passion and what am I good at? as a way to try and find a new career and find my authentic self. It’s been exhausting and I know that you can’t just “think” your way out of these things, you need to “sit tight”, meditate, live in the present, whatever exept THINK!! and that little (or BIG fat) universal devine thingy will show us the way, but well being type “A” I can’t just do that – I’ve tried!!!! but we all have to work and I just can’t be a pharmacist anymore!!! I take time out and start to feel right, so I think oh! yeah lets do that again, it’s an income and as my friends say – “Everyone hates their job…..u just have to suck it up. Well, i’m here to say I can’t, I just can’t any longer and so I go to bed thinking….& thinking…..cause I have to have another job to go to, can’t just do nothing!!!
I’ve since enrolled in a course to become a Yoga/pilates instructor which is great, however I’ve been beating myself up cause I think in order to do this, you need to be like a pure raw vegan kinda person and here I am dosing myself up on sugar and so never feel very “pure” and so don’t do any practice as I feel a) sick and b) a hippocrite!!!
After reading this, it is time to get real, very REAL!! and yes that means practising my yoga whether I’ve eaten fifty “bliss balls” – choc coated , OMG!! ( yes – definately need to let that go) as I now think that there is a reason perhaps I’m not good or passionate about anything (except holistic healing) as that may have led me down the wrong path. So now I will embrace my imperfections( gonna read that book for sure!) and perhaps I can be the kinda cool yoga instructor who is out there, saying I don’t have everything down pat, I’m not always Zen and whilst I try to eat organic ……yes I can eat a block of chocolate in one sitting!! but hey, i’m just trying my best and this is me at this point in time!!!
Oh and Viola, yes, half my trouble in moving forward and being and feeling authentic, is because despite having beautiful, gorgeous friends, they are still on the path of brilliant careers with incomes to match, beautiful homes and children etc and then there’s me – i’m sure they wonder what on earth I am doing, coming and going out of pharmacy and yoga, but I still feel like the little lost sheep when I’m with them!! xx
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July 11th, 2011 at 11:16 pm
I think a wayward yoga teacher sounds brilliant. The thing that terrifies me about yoga is that I feel too whitebread to be there. So I think u might have captured a market I’d admit to the chocolate thing in a class, how normal of you. Aren’t we all imperfect trying to do better.
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July 12th, 2011 at 7:27 am
Oh thanks for that Mel!! That’s perfect!! Done! – I only need some form of encouragement from someone like you, to say that there may be people out there who are cool with an “imperfect/hasn’t got it all “worked out” type teacher! I’m on that mat this morning!!!!!!! Thank you, you’ve made my day ( and probably my career!!)
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July 12th, 2011 at 9:43 am
Lou, recently, my yoga teacher confessed to eating a whole packet of malteasers before class. It just made me love her more!
July 12th, 2011 at 12:29 pm
I agree with Mel and Angela… being imperfect will make you more relatable, and more inspirational as well. I’d love to go to your classes. (We could all chat about Sarah’s latest post, lol.) xx
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July 12th, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Thanks Laura & Angela – I finally feel as though THIS IS IT!! I can DO this!! That I don’t have to wait till “I’m perfect” and then do the course – it’s a journey right!!
Although, there was one small problem when I sat on my mat this morning to start my practice – my new pup…………getting “zen” was a little harder with her nibbling my ear!! , but I’m up for the challenge x
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Thank you Sarah. When life becomes a whirlwind and I can’t define myself anymore (this happens to me alot, every half year) I write a list down of ‘what I know.’ It’s just a ramble of what makes me feel good and is good for me too. I drop everything else and just concentrate on living it.
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I like this entry A LOT, because I’m struggling to commit myself fully to pursuing my artistic dreams. I keep on psyching myself out by telling myself that I don’t have the training, that I’m not sufficiently talented, that there are so many great artists out there… It’s stupid, because I know I’ll be much happier if I move away from my current career and into something that makes my heart sing, even if it means I need to humble myself and learn a great deal.
The funny thing is that I’ve recreated myself before. And it was beautiful, even though it didn’t last forever. Commitment can do amazing things. I have first-hand experience. So why am I so terrified?
It’s time to get serious!
PS I’m so appreciative of your blog – it really is like having a daily reminder of the key links in the chain. Thanks for your hard work!
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A fellow drinking buddy of mine back in Australia has decided to do Dry July, so I decided to do it with her even tho Im here in the UK. Ive not had a drink all month despite being out at places and events where we usually drink. Ive really enjoyed the solidarity. Ive enjoyed being strong and not giving in. Ive enjoyed not feeling the after effects of alcohol and its started to make me think what else I could be strong enough to give up, like sugar and sleeping in late everyday…
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I always feel I’m on the cusp, the edge and am too terrified to jump off into the unknown, as a result I feel i am living an ambivalent, mediocre life. It terrifies me, I never thought I was that kind of person. It feels like a physical pull, I step towards the edge, then fall back instead of falling over. I bleat on enough in my blog about taking the step, doing the hard stuff, rising to the challenge, and physically I’ve actually started to do it, but emotionally and in my (lack of) career direction? Well that is a big old FAIL. Time. To. Jump.
Thanks as always Sarah for your innate sense of most excellent timing!
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[...] Sarah Wilson, Brene Brown’s Tips for Getting Real with Yourself [...]
[...] Sarah Wilson. [...]
Living my truth. (without fear)
It is amazing how easily we can live in denial… of the right job, the right man, the right house mates/living situation, life style. Because it’s comfortably un comfortable where I am, and making a change is scary.. putting yourself on the line.
It’s often not until everything comes to a head (i.e. we get sick) that we realise we have been ignoring our intuition & not acting on that little inner wisdom our body has, to tell us whether or not we are on the right path – living with integrity.
Even though, what ever is happening, is unfolding the way it should… I can honestly put my hand up to being a serious offender of knowing I am seeing someone/working a job that isn’t for me (if I dig down in to that very deep section of my heart that simply says “yes” or “no”) and trying to talk myself out of the “no” & in to the “yes” – likewise with a house that just doesn’t quite feel like home… (I really feel like having the right home, a sanctuary/safe place to truly feel you & feel as relaxed as you can possibly feel, is so so important)
The times in my life when I am truly living in the “truth” space is when I allow myself time each day to be with my thoughts.. taking time out to hear what your inner self really wants. far too often, the two are conflicting. The truth can definitely hurt.
As I get older, the more I realise that life is far too short not to be doing exactly it is you want to… Thank you for the friendly reminder
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I have committed to a weekly 6am yoga class. I am now in my second term and getting up in the ’5′s’ doesn’t feel half as bad as I thought it would, even in the middle of winter. I feel invigorated. Also, I get the mega benefit of being one of only a few in a class. It’s getting better every week. I said to a friend recently, “are we just going to keep on this same yoga trip of once a week like we have for the last 15 years or are we going to try for twice a week so we actually improve?”. Both of us recognised the need to improve on our practice and that a more regular commitment is the only way. We are both urging each other to do a second class every week. It’s working a treat! Yoga is the only thing i feel like I haven’t given up on throughout all of my 20′s and now 30′s. It’s my stabiliser and focus and I can do it anywhere in the world and at anytime I need/want to. Keep on keepin’ on.
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[...] Brene Brown's tips for getting real with yourself [...]
This so wierd! I first heard about Brene Brown when we watched her TEDtalk as part of my uni course ( soiciology-relationships), only 2 weeks ago. I thought she was amazing! Every now and then something in life really shakes me and listening to her talk did just that. For some reason, in the middle of a lecture theatre and in front of a couple of hundred students I began to cry. It was so powerful, and I will definitely be reading her books/blog/anything she writes.
Her TEDtalk reminded me of another lecture that profoundly changed me. By the now late American professor, Randy Pausch. He was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and so eventually had to give his final ever lecture. He lectured about his life, and lessons to be learnt. His lecture caused such a stir he appeared on Oprah. Google his name, it will change you.
Now, back to finding everything Brene Brown has to offer!
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I’m getting deliberate about what I put into my body. I keep making excuses for eating poorly and not listening to my body as to if I’m REALLY hungry.
It’s time to get clear about when I silence my emotions with food.
yep. : )
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[...] Sarah interviewed Brene after a lecture she gave in North Sydney earlier this year. Again, I was lucky enough to have been invited to the lecture (Brene made us all dance!) and I got to sit in on the interview as well. The three of us sat in a little semi circle, and talked about the nitty gritty of getting real and authentic with LIFE. I adore Brene, and what she stands for, and what she tries to share with the world, and I loved this post. [...]