This week in Sunday Life I get deliberately vulnerable
Illo by Erik Marinovich
I love the number three. It’s a thing (as they say on Twitter, preceded by a “hashtag”). When things come in threes – three knock-backs, three mentions of the same person in a week – I’ve learned to take note. And something always comes of it. There’s nothing particularly woo-woo about this predilection. I’m a wary, hesitant person – it takes three strikes, generally, for me to notice and trust something, and then to act.
This week University of Houston scientist Brene Brown told me she’s a three kind of a kid, too. Of course, I got around to watching Brown on TED.com only after three people mentioned her to me. Her talk on vulnerability has since become one of the most popular TED presentations ever. And so I contacted her to see if I could interview her for this column on Skype. And whattayaknow, she replied immediately to say she was due in Sydney the very day I was also going to be in town.
Woo-woo? Or just weird? Whatever. We met.
Can I just say, I was more excited about meeting Brown than anyone I’ve encountered in my weekly journey for this column. Three hands down. Brown’s spent eight years studying thousands of people to determine how best to live a wholehearted life.
It drills down to this: being vulnerable.
Her work found vulnerability was what all wholehearted people had in common, and that it led to authenticity and connection with others, and also creativity and joy.
To get truly happy is to strip our defenses.
But Brown goes further. She actually lives through the pain of this truth personally. AKA, she has a breakdown. Halfway through her research she realized her life was not wholehearted, that her control-freakish, white-knuckled grip on reality prevented her from being truly vulnerable. So she spent a year getting real and raw and stripped back. Before emerging with her groundbreaking conclusions. It wasn’t pretty, she tells me.
As a fellow control freak I had to know how she did it. In the final, messy wash-up, how did she let go? On Thursday she shared her techniques with me. “It takes work and practice,” she says. She argues becoming truly authentic and compassionate and connected doesn’t happen magically.
“You have to get deliberate.”
I love this. Deliberate. As in, not flaccidly expecting it to just happen, but, making it happen with focused techniques. Applied with fired-up focus.
This means actively letting go of certainty. Do you stall on decisions by asking everyone else around you their opinion? Hey, me too. And, hey, Brown, too. She deliberately notes when this happens. “It’s a red flag.” It means she’s gripping at certainty. When this happens she stops and deliberately sits in the “not knowing” a bit longer. A gut instinct will then always emerge.
Her green flag is discomfort. When she feels antsy she turns a ring on one of her fingers and reminds herself ,“This is supposed to be uncomfortable…it means something is growing.” Sitting in discomfort also builds strength – a reservoir of resilience – for the truly tough times.
Saying I love you first, doing something with no guarantees, investing in a relationship that might not work, waiting calmly and maturely for your mammogram results….it flexes the wholehearted muscle.
I tried this during the week – being uncomfortable, not running from it, not blocking it with distractions or another handful of corn chips or pithy justifications. My weakness is an inability to be wrong. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m wrong often. But I’ve become really seductive at explaining it away before I can be seen in my wrongness. I got pulled up on something (too personal to mention here, sorry) this week. It made me squirm a thousand squirms. Admitting guilt also meant letting a bunch of people down and looking a fool for doing so – a double shame-whack. I wanted desperately to bombard the confrontation with bombastic and diversionary reasoning. But I didn’t. I sat in the irkness and eventually said, “I got that so wrong. I’m very sorry.”
Then a lovely thing happened. The other person softened and simply said, “That’s OK. I can see you’re sorry.”
And that’s the point.
Being vulnerable is about going to the exposed, outer limbs of the tree. And being seen.
And then allowing the other person the honour of catching you when you tumble into the uncertainty. Otherwise you’re just hiding in the foliage.
Check out Brene Brown’s blog Ordinary Courage here. As I mentioned in a previous post, interviewing Brene was a column-writing highlight. Her book The Gift of Imperfection shifted me.
How do you get deliberate…do you have a mantra for getting solid and fired up and definite with your intent and your actions?
I can understand and sympathize with an inability to be wrong.
With me, its more about being on my own again, and having the courage to make big life decisions without my (now ex) boyfriend to support me emotionally and be my mental safety net. Im trying to get up the balls to enter university but have been procrastinating for a year because I dont do vulnerability well! Better to stay where you are and be safe than go out on a limb right? Um…
Thanks for introducing me to Brene Brown, who is AMAZING, and helping us all to learn a little more about ourselves. You’re a gem Sarah. xx
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August 7th, 2011 at 6:45 pm
I can so relate to that Mia – better to stay where you are than to move out of your comfort zone and be vulnerable – for me it is all about not being successful in my chosen endeavor, so often don’t do anything, because if you don’t do anything well you haven’t achieved success because you haven’t done anything which is not the same as trying something but failing!
I am slowly dragging myself out of my comfort zone though but I can do that a bit at a time, not like uni where you just have to dive in! Hopefully you will get to a place where you can just go for it when you feel strong emotionally again. sometimes you just need time to regather your defenses though.
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I’m abit the same, always think I’m bloody right (well I am mostly you know, lol!)
Best solution I found was reading the Edward deBono concept of The Intelligence Trap and how more intelligent people are actually poorer thinkers (because their smartness means they think they’re always right and hence are poor thinkers). Thinking is a skill.
The intelligence trap is basically where we “decide first, justify second” – instead of weighing the pros/cons and then deciding our position on a matter we reverse it. This leads to poor thinking & reasoning skills.
I am loving the Courage Course too, highly recommended!
Loving
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July 25th, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Hi Paul,
Can you tell me a little about the Courage Course? Sounds really interesting.
Thanks!
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Beautiful. I was recently pulled up on something and like you I squirmed but in the end I was glad for the opportunity to make it right, to apologize and accept my wrongness. In that moment. It was not something I needed to dwell on or wonder about or beat myself up about. It was a moment of growth and understanding. I wish people would call me on my ‘stuff’ more often…but maybe that’s just a need for certainty?
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Sarah, more thought provoking and relevant writing; I have found, strangely, that the spirit of your articles always seems to resonate with issues that I am struggling to resolve at the time. As for mantras – lately, I have been taking time out to seek, within myself, the strength to surrender myself to love. In the meantime, I will surely be devoting future energy to deliberate vulnerability. Thanks again for the thoughts.
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July 24th, 2011 at 8:36 pm
“the strength to surrender myself to love” …I like it.
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Generally, I like things in twos. Rung mother-in-law who was baking a cake that I had made when she came to lunch…ooohhh, scary, coincidence that I just happened to ring the moment she pulled the cake out of the oven..I think not.
When people say, “Oh, I was just thinking about you!”
I like that..makes me feel special.
I do like to go on my special feelings..spidey sense or whatever you would like to call it and more than often, my instincts where bang on!
Smile. Whimsical.
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Sarah – imagine my delight reading your column today in regards to the author who really “speaks my language”.
Brene’s thoughts and ideas resonate with so many people I have recommended them to (and of course with me!).
I highly recommend her book, The Gifts of Imperfection and her year-long on-line course.
Thank you for sharing the importance of vulnerability (“showing the cracks”) with your readers.
Best wishes,
Nicky
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July 26th, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Nicky, loved that you called here ‘Brene’ and not ‘Brown’ as most journos do in their articles, I think it’s a horrible way to refer to someone, by their surname. What’s wrong with referring to people by their first name? Sorry Sarah, sad to see you do it too, it’s one of my little ‘pet hates’ and that’s a word that doesn’t exist in my vocabulary, except in certain circumstances, (such as this).
Kudos for Nicky….
Silver Angel
spreading the Love
SMILE!
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Hi Sarah,
I made myself vulnerable at Dr Brene’s Sydney presentation a few Thursdays ago – by coming up to you to introduce myself – to say thank you for doing what you do! (& if I didn’t, if I backed out – I would have regretted it!)
I believe in not trying to finding myself, rather creating myself through my actions – and trying harder each day to be a better me.
Thank you (again!)
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Brene Brown, Brene Brown, Brene Brown.
I feel like that name has now thrice came around and perhaps there is meaning in that three. My mum randomly got a ticket to see her and hasn’t stopped talking ever since.
As far as vulnerability it concerned, I must say I feel writing is an act of vulnerability. I suppose, I even notice that every week, in your column you are open and vulnerable and share what you are going through.
I think that perhaps writing and living and being vulnerable is also about listening. It is about listening for those things that come in threes, and allowing this listening to shape you. I suppose it is a combination of being vulnerable, listening and being deliberate in follow up. We can hear our desire but do nothing about it. We can hear our pain but do nothing about it.
So, now you’ve got me thinking!
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What happens if you take a chance, are open, honest, vulnerable and reveal yourself to someone & they reject you/judge you/call you crazy or laugh ? Is there a time we should wait before being vulnerable to avoid getting hurt by those that are freaked out by it or not accepting of us as we are? Or should we continue to be vulnerable despite the reactions of these people & console ourselves with the belief that we are enough.
Do vulnerable people scare us? Does it come across as too-intense or too-real?
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July 25th, 2011 at 12:35 pm
I found myself thinking about your question a bit. I dont have many answers, but I hope you dont mind me offering what I have. The hard part of being vulnerable is exactly that there are no guarantees. You might not be accepted. Someone might call you crazy or laugh at you. And when that happens, it really will hurt. But we take that risk (or train ourselves to start taking those risks) knowing that the pain it may bring, will never be as great as what we would miss out on if we didn’t.
Have you watched all of Brene’s TED talks? There are a few on Youtube, she has some really interesting points on all of it.
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July 25th, 2011 at 3:40 pm
That’s a great question! I’ve recently read Brene’s book and the issue of being vulnerable and getting hurt definitely played on my mind. I think the answer is, “Well, it won’t kill you!”
There are definitely times when people will reject you / judge you/ laugh/ etc. We can all think of situations where we’ve responded to someone like that and it’s usually when we’ve been caught off guard and their discomfort hits us too close to home, so we try to explain it or pin blame somewhere. Knowing *why* people might react a certain way helps us relax and realise the issue isn’t us.
Also, I think there’s a big difference between letting your guard down to share an experience with someone and being super intense and pushing that experience onto another person. Being culnerable means respecting others’ vulnerabilities too.
That said, I think it’s important to set some boundaries when you start to flex your vulnerability muscle. Healthy boundaries are just that – healthy. We don’t have to confide everything in everyone or in a really public way. So, telling a friend that you’ve been battling anxiety is one thing but telling your boss (who is not very understanding and has a penchant for publicly humiliating people) might be something you work up to.
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July 26th, 2011 at 1:43 pm
Here’s what you do. You stand back a little from yourself & see if there is a lesson to be learned, remember, we are all interacting with each other for a purpose, that of advancing our Soul.
If you do the ‘stand back’ thing, you will be able to tune in to yourself, and try to say out loud (if possible) the thing that first comes into your mind. this, then will be the truth of it.
Hope that makes sense!! lol
Silver Angel
Spreading the Love
SMILE!
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August 7th, 2011 at 7:05 pm
Elle I realised that if I wanted to find a life partner I would have to allow myself to be vulnerable, and that goes for developing good friendships as well. If somebody doesn’t accept you, I think you just have to accept the embarrassment and get over it and that can be instantaneous or take a while. I’m sure that most of us have thrown our caps at somebody who has rejected us! Everybody won’t accept you and there will be those who call you crazy and judge you – these are not people that you want in your life. I have had a number of gay friends who eventually told me they were gay (yes my gaydar is not great) and they have been fully prepared for instant rejection. Wow, that is showing vulnerability at its greatest. I’ve actually made a conscious decision to be vulnerable to be open to the best relationships that I can develop, but also as you get older it gets a whole lot easier to not care quite so much about what other people think.
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Hi Sarah,
Your comments in Sunday’s paper – ‘A Better Life’ – on living a more ‘authentic’ and ‘vulnerable’ life resonated with me yesterday. I recently introduced these concepts into a series of lectures for junior officer training in a branch of the armed services as part of their leadership skills development. After the initial scepticism in class, I was thrilled to see the officers’ faces change as they began to understand that one of the greatest traits of a leader is to accept, and show vulnerability in certain circumstances.
The benefits of admitting mistakes, insecurities or discomfort – in short, being authentic with oneself and our peers – is a great life lesson, and I believe, a particular skill for an effective leader who may one day be required to lead their people into harm’s way.
Thank you for a provocative and thoughtful article. It is now on my fridge-door to remind me of the benefits of personal vulnerability in my life and work!
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HI Sarah,
Thank you for your article on lbeing deliberately vulnerable.
I was lying on my rug contemplating eating/sleeping/cleaning through the feeling of ‘discomfort’ that had descended, but read your article and and decided to just sit with it.
Even though I had only the previous evening gently shared with a frustrated friend that I know that when I am in that state it is just before a ‘breakthrough’ or ‘shift’, your article was a gentle reminder to go with it.
When we look back in our lives we treasure those intensely difficult times in our lives (e.g. death, divorce, health problems) as necessary learning curves that shape us, but those brief moments of ‘not knowing’ aren’t placed as being as important.
So today, more letting go, more being vulnerable. Good to know there are others out there who struggle.
Thanks again.
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Hi Sarah,
Ok, I have a question for you.And I am only asking this because I have been basking in some pretty painful vulneralbility for the past six months.
The area of vulnerability for me is my fertility, it’s drifitng away from me (long story). I try to be optimisitc, sometimes I fail. I went through searching for answers through friends, family and experts only to learn no-one else has the answers either. I have learnt to let go, my life is far less in control than it was a year ago. I am learning to be ok with this, to understand not everything works out the way to plan.
But, I still struggle with, how, when you are in this state of being do you make tough decisions? How does being deliberate come into play when the risks are high and you don’t know what way to turn?
I’m a spiritual person, I meditate, I practice yoga, I do any number of things. I TRY to trust life. But when those flashes of vuneralbility do come in, it can be hard to trust.
x
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July 25th, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Dharma, I think I need to reply in full to this with a blog post. Stay tuned….for what it’s worth, I hear you!
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I just need to say…… For any woman waiting for the perfect man, don’t. Do it before it’s too late. It’s worth it, alone or with a partner.
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Because I tend to try most things you recommend (inc. TM– which is very difficult, i keep narrating the experience to myself and wondering if it’s all a scam), i read Brene Brown’s book.
I have to say I like your synopsis much more. I thought her writing was below-average and her perspective very white-middle-class-America. This muddied the message for me.
Of course, I always put up a lot of resistance. My boundaries tend to be intellectual ones- “this is stupid,” “this person doesn’t know shit,” “am I being taken for a fool?”…. etc. My tendency is to question and doubt until something “breaks me down.”
Anyway. Am on Day 3 of the TM course. If you can relate, I’d appreciate any throw any bone you might thrown me.
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July 26th, 2011 at 11:19 am
Hi Anniemarie,
I think to doubt is normal so I will just comment on meditation because I too remember starting the process tentatively. I do vedic meditation, so essentially the same as TM. Now, three years on, I meditate twice a day and it is as natural as brushing my teeth. There are mornings when I get to work and have a sudden sense of panic that I forgot, I never have – it’s just part of my routine now.
I have watched people come in and out of meditation over the three years I have done it and all I can say is let go of your expectation of anything ‘wow’ happening and just do it, just trust that even if you don’t feel the ‘wow’ that this process is one of the most natural and kind things you could do for yourself. With all we have to give in our lives, how lucky are we to have this technique to give back to ourselves, in such a simple way.
Mediation won’t save you from the ups and downs of life, but on a bad day, it will give you a safe place to go when you need to take a break from everything and on a good day it will provide you with some bliss and the strength to take on the world.
Also, one of the biggest bonuses of mediation has been the friends I have made, people who really care and want a loving community around them, it’s very inspiring!
Enjoy
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[...] hullabaloo surrounding the recent plus-sized (and scantily clad) cover of Vogue Italia (p. 7), and being “deliberately” and uncomfortably vulnerable (p. 10), respectively, Rachel Hills writes on classism in Australia (p. 16–17) and deputy editor [...]
I wrote a post a while about Brene. The Gifts os Imperfection is one of my favorite books. X
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I love this. Being uncomfortable is sometimes worth it.
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Here is something a little freaky… this is the third time I’ve come across that particular TED preso (over the past few months) and it was the third blog entry of yours I’ve had the pleasure to read. I too follow the rule of three so I’m going to head off and re-watch it (perhaps there is something in there that I need reminding).
I’m kind of on a similar journey to yourself and I’m finding each entry is really resonating with something I’ve recently learned myself. I really find myself asking if there really is something in collective conscious? It’s all a little bizarre… and coincidental!
Anyways… here is what I recently blogged on regarding ‘Vulnerability’. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sm41u_Wcpc
It’s something that I’m really embracing (clearly – I mean I’m just coming out of depression and anxiety, video taping myself with zilch make up, running and then broadcasting it for all to see – could I make myself more vulnerable?).
I must say Sarah, I find you truly inspiring and just an absolute please to read/watch. Thanks for doing what you do… it makes the world a brighter, shinier place!
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Another needed smack in the face Sarah. Keep them coming.
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[...] am going to add uncertainty. Sarah Wilson mentioned in her Sunday Life column last weekend that she had to deliberately make herself be ok with not being in control of everything. It [...]
Hi Sarah,
Great to see you writing about Brene Brown! I accidentally discovered her talk on ted.com about 6 months ago and loved that her messages were raw, human and spoke to the heart whilst also having an intellectual framework that opened a door to think about or discuss emotions as a necessity not a weakness.
I thought you, and others, might also like the work of Dr Srikumar Rao and in particular his book called “Are you ready to succeed?” Not the most inspiring name, but a revelationary book that has changed my view on life, not dissimilar from Brene’s perspective.
A link to him on you tube – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u20vVbhpM50
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[...] recently dug up this question from reader Dharma. It was in response to my interview with Brene Brown on vulnerability. It’s a [...]
[...] How to Get Deliberate About Your Life Her green flag is discomfort. When she feels antsy she turns a ring on one of her fingers and reminds herself ,“This is supposed to be uncomfortable…it means something is growing.” Sitting in discomfort also builds strength – a reservoir of resilience – for the truly tough times. [...]
Hey! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new apple iphone! Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look forward to all your posts! Keep up the great work!
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