I’ve been thinking about this a bit. In part to understand what I’m seeking. In part to understand my friends’ relationships…some of which I don’t fully…get.
Pic by Javier Lovera
I used to believe there was a One.
I now believe arranged marriages can often produce better relationships than when we’re left to our devices. We create our love, once we decide. For a VERY interesting discussion of this see Sheena Iyengar’s book The Art of Choosing (she compares different relationships and finds the arranged ones are far happier 20 years down the track. It’s a terrific read.) I’ve put her TED.com talk below…as a sideline.
So the point is…we choose love. We choose to make the relationship work.
I used to believe relating was about facing each other and seeing each other in each other’s eyes.
I now believe relating is about travelling side by side, looking in the same direction. Every now and then we look across at each other and prod each other on with a kind smile.
I used to believe we found our match.
I now believe our partner holds a mirror up to us and our deepest fears…and abilities. We see ourselves in their behaviour and we rise to it and grow…and do the same to them. And thus we move forward. When the mirror you hold is no longer appropriate to the other, they slip away. This is fine.
I also came upon this on Daily OM… sage and comforting indeed:
Before we embark upon the journey of finding the relationship that is right for us, we may want to take the opportunity to refine our concept of who we are and our ideas of what we want from life. That way, we are clearer on the kind of person we want to attract into our lives. Part of the journey of finding a mate is learning how to become our own mate.
We are fortunate to live in a time when relationships can unfold at a pace that is right for us and take unique forms. Friendship, dating, open relationships, long term relationships, long distance relationships, or committed relationships ˜ we are free to choose the kind of relationships that we want. If you want to be in relationship, but haven‚t found the right one for you, remember that the universe works in perfect order and, therefore, right now your life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to be. Maybe all this time has been part of your preparation period for meeting your intended partner. Even the relationships in our lives that haven‚t worked out as we had hoped serve us by teaching us to make better choices in our next relationships.
Finding the relationship we want can come early or later in life. It may even happen again and again in one lifetime. There is no right or wrong for how to find a relationship nor is there a timeline that you have to follow. Follow your heart, listen to your inner voice, continue to become your own soul mate, and stay open to love. The journey of finding the right relationship begins with being in right relationship with yourself.
What’s your definition of relating and relationships? Everyone has one! And mostly I wrote this post so I can hear others’!
I have learnt over the years that one human being is never going to fulfil all that i need in a relationship…..and i cant be relied apon to do the same for somebody in return.
What i did realise is that i have an amazing circle of lifelong friends that fill the gap and i truly believe that is why they are in my life. I have an amazing boyfriend who is reliable, strong, committed, honest, trustworthy, fun and spunky….but some things that are really important to me like wicked sense of humour, ambition and quirky ideas on life amongst other things, he doesn’t necessarily have. My friends do! When i feel a work slump, my friend in London who believes i can run the world gives me a kick up the bum ambition wise when i need it. When i need to have an honest conversation with someone about building a mud brick house and growing all of my fruit and vegetables and living simply, well….i have a friend to chat and dream about that with too. My point is, don’t write someone off because they might be missing something you need. Another person in your life might just have that quality in bucket loads.
Lust is so much fun and i think a little addictive but it doesn’t last…..love is amazing if you can find it. Security and friendship, trust and honesty in a relationship will leave you feeling so free.
I also think when you are starting a new relationship to forget about the whole ‘can i spend a lifetime with this person?’. To me a lifetime of anything has the potential to get very boring……be in the moment and enjoy what is happening now!
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July 19th, 2011 at 10:55 am
I really agree, nobody is perfect and should be expected to fulfill all areas of our lives. I believe that forgiveness is a huge part of a relationship as nobody will not hurt you over years spent together and not only is it really nice for the other person it also sets you free to live and open your heart again to life. A life is a long time and my view is that at a certain point a relationship is for keeps and that’s when you accept and forgive and nurture and stay the course because as you said kath, lust is fleeting and is not what the foundations of life, family, ritual and tradition are based on. Society crumbles and families are shattered, children a pulled. So buckle in it’s always going to be bumpy but necessary. By the way Sarah, my husbands parents had an aranged marriage and now at 85 yrs old, they are the relationship I most aspire to.
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July 19th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
Kath your London friend sounds awesome.
I reckon we need some sort of Valentines Day but for friendships! They really are the basis of our support for most of our adult life!
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Love this! It is as comforting as a warm hug.
My definition of relating to others is not to “be there” in the way of offering the best advice, or helping someone organise a part of their life etc (which often is interwined with a relationship anyhow – just don’t think it defines it…) I think the most important part of relating to someone is to silently hear, feel and ‘be’ with them and experience what they experience passively but authentically. A problem shared is a problem halved, and my best relationships (friendships or romantic) have been with someone who is just ‘there’ with me. To kind of share each others pain and happiness.
Hope that even makes sense, very hard to put into words.
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A great relationship to me is the ability to make each other laugh. My husband wasn’t really my type at all when we first met 6 years ago… but he made me laugh, and laughing makes us happy… so there you go, 3 kids later and a happy marriage, I hope I found the recipe for true love!
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July 19th, 2011 at 12:53 pm
as a wise woman once said to me, “if he can make you laugh, he can make you come.”
having received a lot of useless advice about men, i have found this one statement to be absolutely 100% true.
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July 20th, 2011 at 8:44 pm
OMG I love this!! I had a quite little giggle to myself from your reply, I really love that wise woman! So true! hahaha xo thank you
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:18 pm
Haha I love this too!
Ps my husband makes me love most days lol
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Funny you should ask. I wrote this last night when I was examining my own past relationships. I am new to blogging, but would love your feedback Sarah!
http://adventureswithmunchkins.blogspot.com/2011/07/inappropriate-friendships.html?spref=fb
I hope the link works.
K
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I really think it is about not only commitment to another person, it is about your own commitment to yourself and the commitment you make to the 3rd party – the relationship. Being with someone in the here and now is great but often not a lifetime promise…having been divorced I know this too well.
My partner now and I are in a different space to that which I have been in relationships before. There are times where in the past I would have walked away but now I work through because my commitment is to the 3rd party, the relationship. Why? Because I want this to last. I want to give my bit to the relationship and I trust that he wants and will do the same(luckily he does!) I have learnt an awful lot from this, it really is an entirely different place than I have been in the past! Does this make any sense to anyone else??
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July 22nd, 2011 at 5:05 pm
yes narelle, I understand and its the perfect little prod I need just this afternoon….great advice
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I think part of the reason arranged marriages work is that they occur in cultures that actually have respect for marriage. I dont know how well they would do in modern Western society with our intense skepticism and exposure to Britney Spears, Elizabeth Taylor and Hugh Hefner, etc.
I think the right partner has to challenge you a little. They shouldnt be a perfect fit, how boring. I think you can have lasting happiness and compatibility with more than one person in your life. I dont really have an idea of my “perfect” man (tall? short? dark-haired? who knows or cares?) except for some basic non-negotiables like honesty, integrity, and the ability to put up with me.
I used to think my perfect man was someone tall, dark-haired, older than me, tattooed, scuba dive enthusiast, etc ect – then met a man who was the EXACT opposite (short, blond, scared of needles and the ocean!) who made me happy for quite a long time. We didnt work out in the end but it did teach me a lot about myself and relationships, so I dont regret a second of the experience.
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July 20th, 2011 at 3:18 am
This reminds me of that amazing scene in Up In The Air when the young girl’s BF just broke up with her via text and she upset and venting to her older colleagues. Wish there was a you tube clip but no such luck – here’s part of the dialogue: (sorry it’s a bit long)
Natalie Keener: I thought I’d be engaged by now. I thought by 23, I’d be married, maybe have a kid, corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a Grand Cherokee by now.
Alex Goran: Well, life can underwhelm you that way.
Natalie Keener: Where did you think you’d be by err…?
Alex Goran: It doesn’t work that way. At a certain point, you stop with the dead lines. It can be a little counter productive.
Natalie Keener: I don’t want to say anything that is anti feminist. I really appreciate everything that your generation did for me.
Alex Goran: It was our pleasure.
Natalie Keener: Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it’s not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6’1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he’d have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?
Alex Goran: You know, honestly by the time you’re 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he’ll be taller than you, not an asshole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don’t think about that when you’re younger. Someone who wants kids, likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that’s a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that’s not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.
Natalie Keener: Wow. That was depressing.
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July 20th, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Love it paula! Its so spot on.
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I believe that love starts off as lust, but after that initial period wears off love definitely becomes a choice. I think that if two people in a relationship have the same sort of direction in life then they can make it work. By the same direction I guess I mean that they need to be on the same page about the big things in life like starting a family, travel, ethics/beliefs, dreams/ambitions and even managing finances (a bigger one than most people think). Other differences can be great and healthy (albiet at times frustrating) but i think it definitely helps to have similar prioirties in life.
Having said all that, I also think its important that both partners have their own set of strenghts that they bring to the relationship, that can in some way counter the others’ weaknesses. So the whole is greater than the sum of the parts!
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I gave up long ago trying to understand other people’s relationships. As long as they’re happy, that’s all that counts.
And whilst it’s nice to have a checklist for the ideal man/relationship, it’s the whole spontenatity of falling in love which creates the spark. Sometime that spark fizzles, and that’s ok. But the more we try and analyse what we’re looking for, the more we’re likely to miss opportunities because we are narrow focussed.
Sarah, just put it out to the universe that you’re ready for a partner. Be open to what comes your way and just go with the flow.
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Sarah, you are a very attractive woman and no doubt you had a healthy selection of men to choose from in Sydney (& BB?). Perhaps your standards are too high or as you’ve written before, ‘you don’t get relationships’ which men may pick up on.
I have never met you but have read your articles which give away lots of clues about you.
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July 19th, 2011 at 12:19 pm
Oh goodness, I know. There are no secrets.
High standards? Not sure…I simply don’t get asked out. And I’m a little old-fashioned. I like it when men approach. It’s a biological imperative.
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July 19th, 2011 at 1:34 pm
Well, well Ms. Sarah, I know someone who might just be crazy enough to ask you out on your blog. Don’t tempt me.
Brett
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July 19th, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Oh please! You mean you dont get asked out by the right ones.
All those years in Bondi, lots of lifeguards around you, heavy & hectic work/social life with model looks – and no one asks you out?? All the Sydney princesses say this I find.
What happened to your online dating adventures? Are you saying not a single guy asked you out?
Save the pity-party for girls who really do have a tough time getting asked out.
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July 19th, 2011 at 1:47 pm
Hey Trace, perhaps Sarah really doesn’t get asked out!
July 19th, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Oh & Sarah is also the furtherest thing from a princess there is! Don’t you read her blog?!
July 19th, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Trace, I shouldn’t really defend myself…but I’m compelled. I’ve been asked out once in 20 months. And it was a set-up…so I’m not sure that counts. But I’ll admit I probably do a lot of deflection.
July 19th, 2011 at 2:47 pm
“I probably do alot of deflection.”
Um, what!? Well that’s just the same as saying no to suitors using cute wording or body language as we girls all know to avoid an awkward situation.
So you do get “alot” of interest/attention then brush men off or push them away then cry woe is me “no one asks me out”.
As a previous poster said – I think you have unrealistic expectations like many of my girlfriends. Maybe that’s why your stunning but pushing 40 without a man.
The problem isn’t what’s out there, it’s what is within.
Try being my best friend who is lovely but not in the looks dept and she can’t even get men to pay her attention/interest that she can then “deflect”.
Nothing worse than fellow females who get lots of decent male attention then cry woe is me.
July 19th, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Trace, you sound bitter.
July 19th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
@Pete
Not at all my friend, fyi, I have a wonderful hubby of 14yrs. Just so sick of hearing women complaining about the imaginary man-drought. Especially when I have single friends without loads of male interest they can choose to “deflect” then complain about.
BTW, great contribution too Pete, typical male comment I suppose!
July 19th, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Don’t give Sarah a hard time Trace. You are making a lot of assumptions. Just because someone is good looking doesn’t mean it’s easy for her to meet a man, or at least the right kind of man.
You say “the problem isn’t what’s out there, it’s what’s within” – so that would apply to everyone, no matter what they look like on the outside.
July 20th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
I do find this all very interesting having only recently come back to visit this site. I have always been intrigued with you Sarah and this attention that is being lavished is all very exciting…….
I do get the sense that alot of what I am reading here in the comments is people projecting their own fears and Sarah you have become, maybe not unwittingly, the centre point for those projections. Rescuing you, pariasing you, critisizing you is all ego and has everything to do with the other person…….ahhhh the mirror!
Having said that, I am intrigued by you Sarah. You are extremely attractive (not everything but it certainly helps), you are very intelligent, a strong woman who is also vulnerable and lost at times, has a growing awareness of self and many other attributes I’m sure. Do you want a relationship (retorical question)? Maybe not. As I try to remind myself ‘careful what you wish for’.
Anyway, my point here is, it is all about responsibility, ownership and choices and all those lovely words. You are single because you choose to be single (just my belief), whether consciously or unconsciously. I followed your blog a while ago for some time and I think you get a feel for that as well, something in you knows that. What is it then that keeps you single if you want a relationship then? Who knows, that’s up to you to work out. I could make guesses from the sense I get from you but then I’m sure a barrage of replys that don’t get anyone anywhere will entail.
Something maybe to consider though, you’ve probably heard of it. Sarah, I ask you not to think of a pink elephant and, unless you’re not human, your mind immediately makes a picture of a pink elephant. What you focus on in life you will get. If you focus on the things you don’t want in life we still attract them because our mind doesn’t know how to differentiate in the process. It just makes a picture and wants to get it. If you focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want you will get it. Do you want a relationship? What do you want from a relationship and what are you looking for in a partner? Concentrate on those things, without being obssesive of course, and you will attract it in your life. What I’m trying to say here is try not to think about what you don’t want and frame it the other way.
Oh, and you write ‘ The journey of finding the right relationship begins with being in right relationship with yourself.’ I do agree with this Sarah and I think that would make you a very adventurous and energetic partner, maybe even enigmatic. But I have found through experience of intimate relationships that I have probably found out most about myself. The cost was, more often than not, some pain. The benefit was a beautiful, connecting and loving experience between 2 people. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, that feeling is a choice and requires some pain, making oneself vulnerable (the true self) and action.
July 22nd, 2011 at 9:20 pm
I think you are being really harsh Trace. I too was one who never got asked out – had the personality but not the looks department. People told me I was “too fussy”, sooooo, annoying, I really hated that! And how many eligible men would be put off by an attractive, vivacious, woman on a really good income? And even some beautiful men wold feel that they were “not good enough” for Sarah. It’s pretty easy to be judgmental from the other side of the fence.
July 19th, 2011 at 3:44 pm
oh my! yippity yip, shut it ‘pushing forty’ Traceee.
a bit of grace …puh-lease.
sarah if i was a guy i would ask you out!!
you are divine.
xxxxxxx
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July 19th, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Trace,
I think you might consider walking a mile in someone’s shoes before suggesting very attractive girls don’t have their own crosses to bear. I think you will find Sarah isnt the type to dwell in self-pity, her blog suggests she is tearing off the layers in quite a transparent public search of self.
People deflect often in my opinion because of the circles they keep. I would suggest Sarah seems to be trying to be loyal to herself and loyal to her friends while opening herself to new opportunities. As she gets more and more comfortable with risk she will be snapped up in a second because she is clearly more than her looks.
Brett
July 19th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
Why is it always the woman’s fault if she is single beyond a certain age? Im not even a certain age yet and I am slightly offended by that. Some things are just out of our control. Some of us dont meet the perfect man at 24, marry at 28, have 2.5 babies by 31, etc according to commonly accepted scheduling.
I think single women approaching forty make married women nervous because it shows them what might have been, or could one day be – “there by the grace of God” as Sylvia Plath might have said. I was speaking to a woman the other day who was married to a man for 30 years who left her and their son completely unexpectedly, and she was gobsmacked. You better watch out Tracey or this might be you, and then who will you blame?
July 20th, 2011 at 8:52 pm
Maybe they look at you and think your out of there league?? Beautiful, talented, highly motivated woman who knows who she is and where shes going in life. Men are sometimes put off by this concept! The one who fits you perfectly will enter your life at the right moment, just be open to love and know that you deserve everything your heart desires!…he will come and he will compliment you perfectly!! xo
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July 20th, 2011 at 9:15 am
Ooh..I really feel for Sarah here. In her position it would be natural to have to do some deflection. I’m not in the public eye, but as a strong woman with a challenging job I found that I wasn’t often asked out either in my mid-30s (before finding my partner at 39).
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July 20th, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Is it that beautiful women deflect a lot as protection from unwanted attention, and in doing so send out ‘don’t approach me’ vibes to potentially good suitors?
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July 21st, 2011 at 11:03 am
James, I completely agree with you; sometimes people ask me..”Really!?; do you really want a relationship?”. Sometimes emanating that vibe can be a protective mechanism. There is only one thing more painful than not having what you want, and that is, transparently admitting to the world (including yourself) that you really want something but having no idea how to get it!
I am single, have been for sometime now. I don’t get approached. I am 30, well-educated, solid job and (am told) relatively attractive…but I am a strong-minded female. I work in Management roles in male-orientated environments and I appropriately deflect in the workplace.
Sarah, I think you sum it up in your post the “special problem”
“You have a special problem. You are a woman and a strong character¬ yet you want your husband to be stronger. Women with strong characters who want to dominate are always fine because there are plenty of weak men around. Also plenty of strong men for weak women. But yours is a special problem.”
I won a perfect woman comp back when I was 21 (long funny story) and I certainly didn’t envision my life to be as it is today.
Sam and Mia, sign me up to your dating service please x
Two quotes I love:
“Don’t go looking for love, do what you love and love will find you”.
And, “to find your soulmate you must first mate with your own soul!”
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July 19th, 2011 at 12:19 pm
Nice.
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July 19th, 2011 at 9:53 pm
I’m trying really hard at this part of my journey to switch off the ‘looking for love’ part… and to refocus 100% on me and what I love and to fill my life with it.
It’s hard to break a habit that is many years old…
Sarah – absolutely love your blog and posts – thankyou for your candid honesty… your messages also come at the right time for other people… xx
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July 20th, 2011 at 5:31 pm
So true. Its quite remarkable the timing of some of your blogs. Its always soothing to know other people from varied backgrounds are thinking & going through the same things. Sarah, Your honesty is adding spice to so many peoples lives. Legend.
My idea of what it is, for me?
* based on laughter, conversation, companionship, and laughter
* rooted in acceptance that neither of us are perfect, nor ever have to attempt perfection
* mutual respect is key – no lying, no cheating – respect for ourself and the other
* self awareness – my issues are my own, not his to fix, and vice versa – but we carry each other with love and kindness
* values and attitude – I care about family, friends, animals, the earth, so many things, and I want someone who shares the same values – not opinions but values. And i put a lot of effort into being a positive optimistic person, and people often try and leech on to suck my energy so they dont have to do the hard work. So its essential to me that my mate have a pretty positive and optimistic outlook on life also – i wont do it for both of us.
I love the Rumi quote about two trees growing side by side, not so close as to steal the light and shade from the other, not so far away that you cant protect each other in a storm.
Ive stopped looking i think – open to it, but not searching – based on that list i know how rare it is to find that person – honestly im 30 and havent met him yet!!
I dont believe in the one, having had several serious relationships, but i do believe that there is one person with whom you will have the best and healthiest relationship of your life. I have a great plan for life, and a great current life, if i never have that, but i hope very much i do.
PS Im old fashioned like you Sarah, i prefer guys to do the asking out. And i dont get asked. Dont know why you dont get asked though youre gorgeous!
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My dad once told me that you know you’re in love when you feel incomplete in a person’s absence. It’s about becoming a team, making each other better and being so good together that you don’t work as well as individual when you’re separated from them!
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July 20th, 2011 at 3:43 am
*sigh*…. that is romantic. However it seems to me that this is a reflection of the desire to meet all of your partner’s needs and the expectation that they will meet all of your needs. Thinking they will fill what you lack (and vice versa). The whole Jerry Maguire “You complete me” thing. It doesn’t work, you will be set up for failure. It is important to be a team, you should support each other and be a better YOU with their love and support but you each must be WHOLE SELVES apart from each other before you can hope to be good FOR each other.
I know from experience – two halves do not make a whole.
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July 21st, 2011 at 9:35 am
Wise words indeed.
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My definition of a perfect relationship? There is none, and trying to find one is ultimately self defeating. Been there done that.
The “messy” bits of any relationship are as important as any other. The little differences and challenges only provide a basis for an ever deeper understanding of your partner and a stronger bond.
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July 19th, 2011 at 8:12 pm
Agree, no perfect or normal relationship.
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July 24th, 2011 at 10:08 pm
Ha! Mel, there is a huge coincidental irony in someone called Mel agreeing with me there – If you catch my drift!
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MEN OF THE WORLD TAKE NOTE:
Sarah is a little old fashioned and would like to be asked out. Look how gorgeous she is. But more importantly, she’s intelligent, balanced, caring, funny, generous.
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July 19th, 2011 at 1:11 pm
That seems to be the problem with most of my single friends. They are all ridiculously gorgeous. Therefore men assume that they are taken or otherwise out of their league and dont ask. But most of them would LOVE to be asked.
So go for it guys!
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July 19th, 2011 at 1:59 pm
Sam and Mia…you should start up a service!
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July 24th, 2011 at 11:50 pm
I would like to defend Sarah further but think it might be more helpful to add an observation. As someone who has seriously considered asking Sarah out, even though I loathe attempts to assume knowledge of someone b/c of their electronic footprint. I would make the following observation after admitting I do not assume I am worthy of Sarah only interested.
That is, my observation from her electronic footprint is that the only guys she is admittedly interested in is the Dalai Lama and Matts Cravat. My guess there is an element of truth behind this, that Sarah doesn’t actually find any red-blooded males interesting. There maybe perfectly justifiable reasons for this but also a clue to her predicament.
Brett
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September 21st, 2011 at 5:09 pm
I’m about 2 months behind here but just reading through some old blogs. Interesting you say that Brett as I have also sensed Sarah’s affection for Matt and thought they would make a great ‘odd couple’. But I have now discovered Matt is married, so will put that theory to rest!
Not everyone needs a partner. I have had a continued series of dud relationships and decided I am perfectly happy on my own. At one stage I probably dreaded the fear of ending up alone, but now I couldn’t care less. Life is what I make it and I’m not going to hang around for a partner to ‘complete me’. PFFT.
BTW Brett, did you ask Sarah out? And why do you not think you are ‘worthy’ of her? No wonder she doesn’t get asked out if all guys think like that!
There has been some focus in the west in recent times about the success of arranged marriages- but it’s important to remember the stigma associated with divorce in many cultures. A woman may choose to stay in a marriage because of the shame divorce would bring. Just because they’re still married doesn’t mean they’re happy!
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I used to think there was a One too .. and in some ways I still do .. but the qualities of the One I am looking for have definitely changed over the years.
My longest relationship was with a woman who I yearned to merge with.
And I think for a long time we did.
Two become One .. in some ways when I look back I don’t know why that was so appealing.
Perhaps it’s because we wanted to know each other and be each other and experience communion in a way which banished separation. We mirrored each other and bathed in eachother’s energies. In a bumbling sort of way it is seeking God. And it was a beautiful thang !! We lasted 10 years and had a child together. Evidence of our love !! But at the end of the day there Are questions of individual identity, gender,tastes, different careers etc. In our case there were also cultural distances to cross. And we didn’t make it.
As I ‘ve gotten older I’ve become more comfortable in my own skin .. and I admire that trait in others. The two peas in a pod thing is good .. but perhaps I have become too expansive a personality to make that work .. and women I am attracted to are often the same. More than ever I am attracted to intellect, independence,
humour and values. I totally agree with you Sarah about travelling side by side and looking in the same direction .. and sometimes too much choice can be a curse.
It would be nice to be so open to our inner voice that it could literally guide us in the right direction. I guess in that sense I still allow myself to be romantic because I do believe that the universe (Read: God) is directing us.
Last NYE I was determined to stay home for various reasons .. but was drawn out by the fireworks after 12. I wandered around my suburb enjoying the Kids going off and ended up crashing a party (unusual for me).Really wasn’t feeling social but felt compelled to do it. Was wondering what i was doing there and was about to leave .. when I bumped into and spoke briefly to a woman whom I had become aware of and fascinated by Virtually (also very unusual for me) a few months previously.
Later I couldn’t help thinking how co-incidental it was that our paths had crossed .. Particularly as it was NYE .. that event is often so emotionally loaded !!
Nothing came of that brief meeting .. on reflection I doubt that she was/is even aware of my existence .. but it’s that seeking, that openness that remain important for me. It’s that willingness to step up to the plate that will ultimately reward us ..
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July 19th, 2011 at 6:04 pm
Oh .. and I did ask her out (the woman from NYE) a few days later albeit in letter format.
Never heard back from her .. so I guess she mustn’t have been the One
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My fiance always said when he was single, his friends all marvelled at how he would approach the most stunning girl in the room and always end up going out on a date with them- His friends said he had all the luck- but my fiance said luck had nothing to do with it- men feel intimidated by good looking girls, but they are just like everyone else- they want someone who makes them feel good and someone who has noticed them and that’s all he did- no secret- just actually went after what he wanted! And
I’m very lucky and glad he did
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To add to my other post, I believe I am now with my soulmate- after 15 years of not listening to my inner voice and being married to the wrong person, I finally decided that voice was never going to be quiet and I left…
My fiance and i both knew we were meant to be with each other- I get asked all the time as I’m divorced, how I knew it wasn’t right and it really is as simple as- if you doubt it it’s not right!
My perceptions of a perfect relationship have changed many times over whilst being in what I call very close to a perfect relationship. I say that, because, no relationship is ever perfect cause if you stop striving for better and growing- with a partner or personally, you might as well stop living.
I don’t think I can explain in any better than the mirror analogy above- I felt quite happy with myself until I started growing and learning from my partner, and I’ve had to do some soul searching to change for the better, and my fiance has done the same. When you both focus on giving everything you can to make the people in your life (yourself included) the happiest they can be, you end up being happier yourself! If you no longer care enough about yourself or your partner or friends to do this, that’s when you become unhappy and inevitably that’s also when relationships fall apart.
My favourite love quote is that “A successful marriage requires you to fall in love with the same person over and over again” and I truely believe this is the secret- you need to love yourself and your partner and keep loving them over and over and over…
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Yes exactly Sarah!
If you believe there is only One person out there for you… that is so much pressure! I don’t think that any one person or relationship could survive the scrutiny.
I found the love of my life at 15 years old and we have been together ever since. We have nothing in common but each other… completely different temperaments, interests, ideologies… but our relationship really works, because we are (and always have been) committed to it. We give and take, allow each other to do what we need to do and try our best to make each other happy. People say ‘aren’t you so lucky that you’ve found The One’? And I think to myself… as much as I love him, as good as we are together, he just as easily couldn’t have been The One, if I had approached our relationship with a different mindset. If I had dismissed him for his faults, or given up at the first argument. Instead we persevered, learned more and more about each other and what makes us tick, and gradually built upon that.
Choose love!
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I really believe people put too much emphasis on, perfect relationship, perfect love. If you can’t begin with friendship you have no chance at finding anything else, love or long term relationships will be nothing more than a fantasy.
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Hi Sarah
I think i’ve pinpointed the issue!
Thinking of all my major great relationships, I’ve ALWAYS been the one to make the initial, bold, cheeky move – then they took over afterwards. But mostly because guys don’t really know what signals we’re giving off. They’re always confused. Someone has to be the bold, cheeky one!
People rarely get ‘asked out’ in a formal way. I did once, last year by a bizarre note in my letterbox from the body corporate gardener but i didn’t want to go out with him. Which was awkward. Oh and about 12 years ago i got a note from the dishwasher at the restaurant where I worked… Anyway I digress…if you make the first move you choose otherwise you’re stuck fielding awkward letterbox notes, ha!
Why don’t you do what you do with your column – think of who you’d like to be with then ask THEM out?! It doesn’t have to mean anything big. And yeah it’s not old-fashioned, but we live in 2011! And in my experience, most guys have NO CLUE whether a girl is giving them signals or not. So asking them out is a good idea.
There’s my two cents! Oh, and i love that quote about being a mate to your own soul first…but that goes without saying:-)
Louisa
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My partner musts:
He must make me laugh*.
He must be healthy.
He must have a get-up-and-go energy about him.
It’s interesting though. Those last 2 points only became ‘musts’ after I met my current partner… as he embodies them so well, I now couldn’t imagine going without them.
[*That doesn't mean he doesn't also make me cry. But I figure it will be a lot easier growing old together if we can dance around the house like fools together]
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Sarah, question for you. How much do looks have to do with your choice?
I know you attend social events/red carpet nights and wondered if it’s more important for you to have an attractive man on your arm as opposed to someone ‘average’ looking with a great personality.
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July 19th, 2011 at 4:21 pm
I’m not a looks person. My longest relationship was with a guy 4 inches shorter than me, rotund and …with a rat’s tail. And he wore beer T-shirts and footy shorts…where do I stop?!. We were together 6 years and I loved him to bits. My most recent relationship was no oil painting. But he had spark and heart.
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July 19th, 2011 at 4:34 pm
Rats tail – WTF? Hoping you’re talking about the early 80s here. No wonder there are no photos of the 2 of you together in the social pages!
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July 19th, 2011 at 5:01 pm
Nope…late 90s.
July 19th, 2011 at 5:21 pm
Oh Lordy Lord.
July 19th, 2011 at 8:26 pm
and a nice fruit basked too, I hope!!
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When I found myself being a divorcee in my twenties, I took a long, hard look at what the ‘perfect’ relationship, or partner, looked like. I came up with two very simple requirements: the ability to make each other laugh (often) and ability to produce of butterflies in one’s stomach (often). I now believe I’ve found true love – he makes me laugh every day and I still get sometimes get butterflies when he simply walks into a room. Only time will truly tell, but I think I’ve nailed ‘perfection’
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You are simply beautiful Sarah… you rock my world. Don’t ever stop posting, and don’t ever change xx
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July 19th, 2011 at 5:01 pm
Gosh. You are kind. x
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I find it interesting how we think that the world nowadays has no respect for marriage when quite the contrary is true. I highly recommend reading “Marriage, a History: How love conquered marriage” by Stephanie Coontz. It really puts perspective on marriage today, and also put perspective on how I see my own marriage.
I am happy about every day I am with my husband, but I don#t expect this to last forever – even though I work very hard that we do grow old together. I think it is about making a decision: Do I want this relationship to last? If yes, it is a lot of compromises but also very rewarding.
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For all those out there looking for the perfect man/relationship, believe me it’s even harder to find a partner of the same sex who tick AT LEAST half of the boxes!
I would much rather be single, for now, than waste time in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. But like everything in life, things happen when they’re meant to.
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[...] are in a relationship; have ever been in a relationship or would like to be in a relationship, read this. This is my favourite [...]
What’s happened to recipe Tuesday????
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Sarah, my favourite ever post of yours. I get where you are at. It is so rare someone comes into your life that stops you in your steps, turns your world upside down and that you feel ‘that full’ towards. The fact you are beautiful has nothing to do with anything – it is still rare to find that connection, the same as it is on a friendship level. You are part of the sunshine in my day and same goes for all your other regular readers. I have no doubt your boy soulmate will emerge that will feel the same and won’t let you go. Thanks for the beautiful post – made my day.
x
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A good relationship takes constant effort and not everyone has the stamina!
You are right about this Sarah, my relationship is not perfect, but we are working on it all of the time. We are friends first and foremost, everything else is fluff!
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My definition: There is no ‘one’, there is no perfect, there is just a commitment to travelling along side by side with another. It’s a challenging choice, to share what is ultimately a very personal thing, this trip through life. I think once you accept that it is two people working out their own stuff, but in tandem, it helps clear away the ridiculous and ultimately counterproductive notions of the ‘right’ one.
My 10 year marriage is anything but perfect, and probably highly un-get-able to those looking in. In many ways, we had everything against us (missing all the perceived benefits of an arranged marriage for a start!) and it has been tough. We have chartered unforgiving seas. But my god, have I learned. He has been my greatest teacher, though I would have heartily denied that for many of those early years.
I feel our so many of our cultural and popular myths about relationships are so damaging and completely miss the point. But amidst all the misinformation, I’ve come to see there is a truth. A soul mate is exactly what you are after, a friend of your soul, an understander of your soul, a respecter of your soul, but for most of us, it doesn’t happen by magic, there’s no spotting each other across a crowded room and buzzing with electricity. It’s those much less shiny paths, effort, continual learning and relearning, not resisting discomfort, and above all, a willingness to see and be seen.
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Well, I think that the question has the wrong slant……what your definition of the perfect relationship? Take the word perfect out and just ask, what’s the right relationship for you? There is no definition of the perfect relationship and as discussed above by responders it’s obviously so different for so many people.
Love is a choice. Every day. You wake up and you look at your partner and you say today, I choose to love you. Despite the imperfections, despite the angst, despite the fights, despite the everyday stress of life, despite the bills rolling in, despite the problems with the kids, despite the messy house, despite being tired. I choose to love you.
I was once caught up in the deep passion of a new love affair. It was the butterflies, the multiple phone calls a day thing, meeting at every opportunity, hot sex, long passionate kisses etc. I wasn’t sure where this relationship was going, there were other areas that seemed discordant with this passion…..A friend asked me, what will matter when you’re old and grey and the passion has subsided? You then want a relationship where you can sit on the porch together and just “be”. You want to be able to have that comfortable silence where talking doesn’t matter. Sure, everyone needs that great passionate love affair in life but the long term right relationship is the one where you can be yourself and just “be”.
Best of luck in your search Sarah. Love is a destination worth traveling to! xoxo
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Sarah, how do you get your teeth so white? If you do bleach them, isn’t this a chemical? And are they real? They seem to change shape in photos (or is this the magic of photoshop?)
Either way, very nice smile
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I liked the excerpt from the Daily OM. I think everything happens for a reason and at the right time for you.
Since my last relationship I don’t place too much emphasis on the future, just roll with the punches I guess. It’s changed my perspective on some things but I think what I fundamentally value in another person hasn’t changed all that much. I feel it has connected me to myself a lot more and I think about things a lot more deeply (and probably a little more critically).
I’m much clearer on what I want in another person. I think I always knew I just couldn’t articulate it. Now I’m confident enough to stand by those desires and see what happens.
I’m at peace within myself and if I’m not meant to meet someone then that is fine but I can’t deny it wouldn’t be nice. The relationship I have with myself I’m very happy with.
Sometimes I wonder why we (men and women) obsess about finding a partner. I feel we do obsess about it. It just boggles me. It’s such hard work “choosing” to find someone and then “choosing” to make a relationship work.
Love is so random yet it seems so contrived at the same time. Ho hum
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July 22nd, 2011 at 8:19 pm
So true! I was only just thinking the same thing – why do we as humans seem to want to ‘match up’ so much???? Why is so much pressure places on finding a partner, a husband/wife, your forever soul mate??? I too was just thinking how good it is to just be happy with yourself & be ok with being on your own…..
Wise words Karla! Thanx!
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The perfect relationship to me is one where you’re happy 80% of the time, with someone who may not tick all the boxes but ticks the most important ones (for me those are similar values, kindness, sense of humour that meshes with mine, ambition and curiosity about the world and a similar way of expressing love – whether through words or actions).
I don’t think we ever get ‘everything’ we want or need and we can tie ourselves up in knots over that.
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Personally, I believe its important to cut the idea of the perfect one. For example, I always was on the lookout for a tall, dark musician (who isn’t? ) and I pretty much gave up on everyone who didn’t fit my list. That was until I decided to look beyond Looks and profession etc and search for a fine soul.
I found him, he’s short, blond and not the creative type. But he is one of the kindest people I hav ever met. Our relationship is built on deep trust and openness, and we’ve been together for 7 years.
So, my idea of the perfect relationship is one where both trust each other enough to fully be themselves with each other.
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Sarah, you would be an amazing teacher. Every question posed at the ends of your posts is challenging and extremely thought-provoking. They are better questions than any I encountered throughout school in writing and philosophy classes. If teaching a writing class is in my future someplace, I plan to use your yet-to-be-published book as a tool.
As such, it will take me a while to answer this question completely. I’m still figuring all of this relationship stuff out. But I do agree wholeheartedly that to love is a CHOICE. And there’s no “one” perfect prince for every maiden.
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[...] Source: http://www.sarahwilson.com.au/2011/07/whats-your-definition-of-the-perfect-relationship/ [...]
My definition of a good relationship is one in which you have the space and encouragement to continue to grow as an individual. I have a tendency to ‘lose myself’ in a relationship and it was only after meeting my now husband that I realised I could still be me and be with him at the same time. A true gift.
So your idea of ‘travelling side by side’ is one that appeals to me, Sarah.
In terms of relating – well I think the basis for all relationships is the same. It’s only when honesty is at the core that we can expect good things. We relate to people on different levels all the time – the work colleague relationship, the mother-daughter relationship, the next-door neighbour relationship, the blogger-commenter relationship(!), the loving partner relationship, the ‘new friend’ relationship. If we bring ourselves honestly to these relationships, with all their special nuances, then we can expect the best from them.
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My best friends are the best guidance on love for me. He had been married before and they met when he had been separated from his wife for only 9 months. (we didn’t know this until they had been in a relationship for about a year. She had left him). His issue was he’d already said forever…. How do you say forever again?
They were together for about 4 years and when he proposed to her he said “I can’t tell you that it will last forever, but I sure will have a good crack at it”. They have been married 5 years, and have a beautiful baby girl, and work towards choosing to have a great marriage.
I think our issue is we don’t have good examples of good relationships, honest ones. Which I’m sure they may have in the pre arranged marriages. We’re seeing good examples less and less as we look around us to the people we love.
When we decide to marry and say I do, our friends and family are asked if they will stand up for us, and tell us when we’re doing something wrong, be accountable, I think that promise gets forgotten. We look at our friends who flirt with others, do sneaky things and degrade each other in public and we let them. We forget what community is like, what family is meant to be because we’re afraid they might get cranky with us if we speak up.
Relationships are about honesty – being able to speak up for yourself and being true no matter the ramifications.
They’re about Stand & Merge – you merge with your partner in some things, you also need to remember who you are and what you stand for. It’s really important, because that’s who they fell in love with. Sometimes we just become about the other and lose ourselves.
It’s about forgiveness- not thinking you’re right all the time and even if you are – meeting in the middle…. Pride comes before a fall.
Relationships are about respect – respecting yourself and respecting your partner. Not trying to change every part of them to make them what you want.
Relationships are about looking at the positives everyday. Even when all you can think about is the negative – if you can’t say something nice don’t say it. Take a deep breath, go for a walk, be in a good place and then right after a laugh say to them….. remember when you did this…. would you mind if we can work on doing it another way.
Relationships are about looking at yourself and seeing what you can do to make yourself better in the relationship. Sometimes we’re looking at the speck of dust in our partners eyes and missing the log in our own.
My fiance has been in my life for probably 15 years. But we only met about 8 years ago. We were in the same places with the same people but didn’t know each other. It’s a long story, but sometimes your eyes are scaled then one day you look up and the person that you never you would ever date becomes your fiance!
My best friends that I was speaking about before is a big influence in my life and she pulls me up all the time. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Sarah, I apologize if I double-post, but I think I actually did lose the first and so I’m going to click again. What I wanted to say was that at the risk of sounding like a groupie, you seem like such a lovely woman. I’ve become quite addicted to your blog (very unusual for me), because it’s invariably heartfelt and searching and…lovely. By giving so much of yourself in this blog, I think you’re giving a great deal to many, many people who appreciate the gifts.
I had many relationships in my 20s, found it difficult to date in my early 30s (strong career and intellectual life, athletic career, travelling, independent character, soul-searching, at times anxious). I tried some dating in my mid-30s that was highly unsuccessful (and I really wasn’t asked out very often, either). It wasn’t clicking. So I gave it all up, pursued the dreams I’d put on a shelf (art-related), and on one of my art trips I met the best man I’ve ever known. All I can say is that he’s been the mirror that you wrote about above: exposing my vulnerabilities and my talents and surprising me the process. I’m growing in ways I never thought possible. I do think that it’s about a kind of parallel growth. It’s not about looks or athleticism or career or anything so specific, of course – it’s about finding an equilibrium (in silence or in conversation, but side by side) with someone with whom I’m rising to the best of my flawed self! Now, I’m still searching for my own truth and on my own path, but I have someone (at least for now) who with his presence gives me the courage to go deeper and to become more vulnerable than ever before. So I guess that’s my long-winded definition of a great relationship: one that opens and grows your heart and in the process deepens the love and respect that you have for yourself. Didn’t Brené Brown say it all?
(PS Evidently I don’t think there’s only one, although I’m not giving up the one I’ve found, yet! 
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I might be a little late in the game throw my 2c in re: relationshsips but here it is anyway:
1) real love is when there is someone, standing by you, to witness your life. Someone that knows you, that wants to know you
2) love is when you scratch the surface, to reveal what’s underneath and you still admire and respect that person, despite the darkness you might find
3) love is when, despite your differences (I love yoga, he loves beer and so on) there is still an innate understanding for who lays beneath all these external interests/layers
4) love is when you can laugh about the argument you just had
5) love is a mirror, holding it up to you, reflecting the good, the bad and the ugly. Quietly asking you to reflect and be the best person you can.
6) love is the here and now…who you are to each other, now, not yesterday or tomorrow. And love knows, that the now can change, and grow and evolve and it’s about walking that journey together.
7) love is about two individuals, symbolised as circles. Each one, whole. They may slightly overlap, but generally these two circles sit side by side, complete on their own but who do not need to smother and take over each other. Just there, together.
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July 21st, 2011 at 6:33 am
I love this.
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Responsibility could be seen to shift in an ‘arranged relationship’ whereby both people can happily and easily say “it wasn’t my idea” so there’s no guilt or blame introduced. We are heavily conditioned in society to believe to aspire to relationships – the magical union; ie the union of two with resulting joy and benefits not gained as an indivudual – it puts pressure on the each of us to seek such a relationship to ‘make us happy’. Simply this pressure has disappered out of the arranged relationship so the participants just get down to it and ‘get it done’ and the relationship becomes seperate to either, and it’s this entity that needs nurturing. It is clearly identified and there will be none of the “what’s in it for me?” which always creeps into a conventional union.
Removing the undertone of a constant seeking of benefit of being in the relationship by the individual therefore becomes the challenge, for it is only when this ego-driven selfishness is faded into the background does the relationship have a true chance to thrive. This is difficult and needs constant attention, hence why we often hear about relationships being ‘worked on’ as an important factor in success. You must work on your thoughts here too. Replacing thoughts of anger, fear, anxiety guilt and negativity with love and positivity is not easy. Forgiving each other at times can be almost downright impossible, but must be practiced… Forgetting you have ‘needs’ takes quite some discipline… So maybe try to forgive your needs if you can, limiting their size and presence, and then what will happen is your partners ignorance of these needs also disappears. Guilt and blame can’t exist any more. Holding up mirrors to each other won’t cause a reflection. The pressure on each other to make the other one happy also fades and we can therefore begin to truly take responsibility for our own happiness…
As for the question of is there just one for each of us, well, that would depend on what lessons you’re here to learn I say, for with regard to the lessons in life, school is never in recess
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[...] Source: http://www.sarahwilson.com.au/2011/07/whats-your-definition-of-the-perfect-relationship/ [...]
In terms of a relationship, indeed, a love affair I feel this definition best applies:
I’ll take care of me for you if you’ll please take care of you for me.
Not:
I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.
The “I’ll take care of me…’ philosophy allows each person space to be their own self, be content and be their very best. Plus there is room for enhancement by joining together, sharing with and enjoying a partner.
Personally, giving love and receiving love allows me to operate on my highest, finest frequency. Higher than any frequency I can conjure up myself. Things just work better with love in my life.
I also think a winning method is to allow the roles within a partnership to undulate. Sometimes you lead or bolster or energise and sometimes your partner does.
Equilibrium is ideal but I’m not certain that it’s ever truly achievable. At least not all of the time. To undulate allows each person the opportunity to experience everything, just as they should. It’s like a dance. You give when you’re strong and take when you’re in need. You have the opportunity to nurture as well as to be looked after. We’re always contributing in some form.
Just keep living your life Sarah. If you want a relationship, it will come. Promise.
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Hi Sarah, I’m a Sarah too (and a friend of the wonderful Jo’s) – it’s interesting to me that when I hook onto the thread of an idea it seems to come up again and again as a theme around the same time. I wrote a blog about the nature of friendships (which I think can apply to any relationship) and the essence of it was this: a good relationship is one in which both parties give each other what they need (but not necessarily what they ‘want’!). I had to let go of a friendship recently which despite all the best intentions, failed this criteria. We could not give each other what we needed.
I don’t agree with the concept that everything happens for a reason or is meant to be, but I do think that we can learn from each experience and choose how to react rather than choosing our circumstances all the time.
If you have time my blog is here: http://www.thesarahkatemonologues.blogspot.com/
Cheers Sarah
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Definition of relationships? – for me, I think back to kindergarten.
When you are five years old you make friends pretty easily. You walk up to other kids that you don’t know and say “I like you”. You just feel that you like them, and if they turn out to be awful. You walk away, but it doesn’t stop you from liking the next person that feels like they might be fun to hang out with.
I was in love with a boy in kindie, just because I was. I like to think it is that simple.
But as adults we complicate it.
For me, being ready to be in a real relationship had to do with being ready to let love in. Which as it turned out had to do with healing that inner child. The inner child that I ran so far away from for so many years, for whatever reasons.
For me, meeting someone that I love has had to do with really listening and trusting that part in me that says “I like you”.
It has been about getting that “I like you thing’ back in balance, and once I did I met someone really special. What’s really special about him? Lots of things, in particular my heart was bursting with “I like you” when I met him and thats how I know.
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I agree Sarah, it wasn’t until I became my own best friend, that my husband came into my life. It wasn’t until I loved myself that I opened my heart to accepting love.
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Wow, so many opinions, ideas on love and relationships. As nearly all these comments are from females it’s really helpful for me to get an insight into the female perspective on these issues. When I was younger sexual attraction was the strongest cue point in searching for a partner, but as I have gotten older and had a few relationships, I found there was also a real need for for friendship too, someone I could talk and relate to though not necessarily agreeing on everything. I came to the realisation that love/relationship might be a simple concept, it is not that simple to find the “Right” person that it takes some time to get to know someone.
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[...] decisions need to be made, and I’m really rather dreading it. Advice from 40:20 Vision and Sarah Wilson was helpful, but if I’m quiet on the blogging front for another week or two, this is [...]
I never really believed that there was “the one” even though I read all of the fairy tales as I was growing up. I didn’t find my life partner until I was 46 but he feels like home. No flashing disco lights or ringing bells, just this amazing feeling of connectedness and feeling right. I was very contented in m life and had accepted that I would never find a life partner and that’s when we met!
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What is wrong with being single? Sarah, you have a rich, interesting, varied life, with lots of loved ones, I gather. There is so much emphasis in society about being in a relationship, that you can be made to feel like a loser if you are not. But I wonder why, with close to a 50% divorce rate, the message is still so.
If the norm was to be single rather than the other way around, I think we’d find a lot more singles.
I don’t see too many good relationships out there and know of many that are just together for the house, kids or they can’t stand being alone.
If people knew how to feel good alone, I wonder if this would change the single to marrried ratio?
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you’ve declared your intention and I have no doubt the universe is listening. the Daily Om quite is lovely – comforting.
have you seen ‘the adjustment bureau’? the very fab matt Damon, fate & love – great story!
x
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If I ever have a perfect relationship, I’ll let you know haha! Heck, if I ever have an almost-perfect relationship I’d take it & run. Geeze, I need to stop dating boneheads
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My friend recently went on a date with a sweet, kind, funny man who wanted all the same things in life as her in regards to kids, religion, etc – and she isnt going on a second date with him because he is too short. As in, 5’9 to her, maybe 5’0 in high heels. She apparently “likes to feel tiny.” This floors me. Is this really what people do in the dating game? If someone isnt at least a foot taller than them, but meets all the other criteria, they look elsewhere? I’ve dated two men in my life (one I was with for nearly 9 years) and both evolved from a friendship basis so I never really dated. The whole tihng is a mess! I’m going back to bed…
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What a timely blog……albeit that I am 11 days late reading it! It has however, inspired me to enter the world of the blog…that’s right, I am the newbie on the block..Please go easy on me.
Obviously to relate is to have a ‘connection’ and to be in a relationship you must have a ‘connection…..but you probably already new that?!
Moral philosophers have focused primarily on actions, not agents over the past 400 years – on the sort of things that we should do rather than the sort of people we should be. We devise principles on which moral obligation allegedly depends and then formulate rules that guide us to behave and act in accordance with those principles. Boring….!
I believe we should live in accordance with Greek account, the highest good for man and the ultimate purpose of human activity is eudaimonia – usually translated as ‘happiness’, but better captured by the broader concept of ‘flourishing’ or ‘well-being’. This is simply choosing the best way to live or the path that provides you with the happiness, for you to flourish and to enable your own well-being.
A man you have been blessed to meet (The Dalai Lama) stated in the book – ‘An Open Heart”, “I believe that every human being has an innate desire for happiness…….I also believe that the very purpose of life is to experience this happiness. I believe that each of us has the same potential to develop inner peace and thereby achieve happiness and joy”.
That is why I define a relationship as – Happiness.
The essence of happiness is the small things and not the broad statement, because happiness isn’t something that you can bottle and keep around every day. It is being able to look into your partners eyes without having to say a word, experiencing butterflies when you kiss, knowing how to laugh and cry together, it’s about experiencing the life together and being able to share those experiences. You feel enamored by that special someone.
Personally I think everyone should hold onto that dream and be patient – you will find that special person when you are ready. I hold onto the fairytale – that’s right males dream too.
Trying to understand your friend’s relationships is I believe fraught with danger….. Relationships are individual, unique and a complex connection that only those involved in ever fully understand… I mean how do you expect us to understand that you dated a guy that wears a bear branded shirt and had a rat’s tale? Wait there….I guess we all have a skeleton in the closet. I once dated a girl who had a fetish for ‘Mr Men’ shirts – weird, but I still dated her for over a year – actually make that two.
To be in a relationship of any kind is to relate and to relate is to have a connection – hopefully that connection brings you the happiness that you desire, as that is what we all deserve!
Look inward. Don’t let the true nature or value of anything elude you.
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Yah, there’s no perfect relationship but you ca make it happen… Try to read this article: http://balitaupdates.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-to-have-perfect-relationship.html
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[...] only was interested in the nutrition and adventure side to her, but then I accidentally clicked on this. As I continued to read, I discovered this inspiring piece that she read on the Daily [...]