how’s this new happiness trick: do the opposite
This week in Sunday Life I do the opposite
Photo by Angela Boatwright
George Costanza is not one of life’s most inspired or bountiful contributors. But there are two things I give him full props for: the under-the-desk nap (I employed it during my newspaper days doing the 4am shift; the trick is to pull the swivel chair in after you and use it as a leg rest), and his “The Opposite” theory.
Given everything he’d done in life had been so wrong, George reasoned that if he did the exact opposite of what he normally did, he’d get it right. It works and he picks up a hot woman instantly with the line, “I’m unemployed and I live with my parents”. (Women’s attraction to raw honesty really is their Achilles heel.)
Rather than being a mere Seinfeld absurdity, this idea has much appeal and merit. When I worked in magazines, coverlines that went, “Everything You Know About [insert topic: skin whiteners, nipple covers, reversible jackets…] is Wrong” always focus-grouped well. It’s not so much that we like to be corrected.
We like opposites. They feel fresh.
This week, though, I realized opposites are also productive. Recently I read a theory by Tony Schwartz, author of Be Excellent at Anything, for dealing with compulsions and procrastination. Whatever you feel compelled to do, don’t, he advises. Schwartz argues that in the face of difficulty or discomfort we’re programmed to react (flight or fight). The problem is, most modern dilemmas – as opposed to the prehistoric ones – don’t require rash reaction; they require considered thought. And so after we react, we regret. Because we just didn’t think, did we!
We get insecure, we grab for sugar. We’re unmotivated by a pressing project, we go shopping for…reversible jackets.
Schwartz’s antidote is to stop as soon as you feel that tingle of reaction – a tight jaw, a heart-sinky drop in the gut, Inhale to a count of three and then feel your feet, “to get out of your head”. All of which buys you time, he says.
It’s funny. This opposite thing is gaining momentum. When I interviewed The Happiness Project author Gretchen Rubin for this column a year ago she told me the most popular wisdom she’d shared with her millions of readers was this: if you don’t normally make your bed, make it; if you do, don’t. Thinkers from Einstein to Edward de Bono have espoused the same and argue doing what you don’t normally injects surprise, which can jerk you into freshness and innovation.
New research has also found not setting goals works. In fact, recently it was found that the original and oft-cited Yale study that claims graduates who set goals made 10 times more than those who didn’t…never existed. The sublime brain commentator Jonah Lehrer this month wrote about the benefits of having vague aims as a counterpoint to the deluge of precision we have access to now. And in the book Perfect Mess: The Hidden Benefits of Disorder it’s argued the cost of being neat outweighs the benefits.
Everything You Know About…Life…is Wrong! Ergo, just do the opposite, right?
I endeavoured to find out. On Monday I didn’t do what I felt compelled to. I did the opposite. I made my bed. And I didn’t tell my friend what to do when she shared her financial grief with me. I simply pressed delete on an email from a guy whose demands of me were screaming out for a well-crafted dressing down. I didn’t get up to make chai tea when my inbox flooded with bothersome emails.
The novelty of not doing what you’re meant to was refreshing. Actually, as a chronic over-doer living in a world brimful of betterment rules and productivity dictates, simply not doing was novel enough. But the real beauty of Schwartz’s idea is its blanket approach. You do the opposite every time you feel a compulsion. Which means you don’t have to wrangle with yourself as to whether this or that compulsion or aversion is one to fight. It’s like being told to exercise 4-5 times a week – you spend most of the week deliberating and bargaining with yourself which days. And wind up doing none.
If there’s one thing I’ve found in this world brimful of rules and dictates, complications are a compulsion.
Do the opposite. Simplify.
What opposites break ruts for you?
compulsions or habits? i have a lot of habits i have created that i believe make my life easier. i focus on getting them done efficiently so i can get on the ‘high gain’ things in my life. i can’t quite see the opposite helping. however, i always use capitals when i write, even with texts. i feel quite ‘arty’ writing this message without capitals!
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August 14th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
“Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition.” – Jack Kerouac. So you are in very esteemed company with the no caps thing
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What drivel! Hardly worth posting such a light weight article. Are you really a journalist??
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August 14th, 2011 at 7:28 pm
Well your comment is hardly worth reading. Are you really a wanker?
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August 14th, 2011 at 9:16 pm
What an insightful comment into your psyche, which appears to be narrow minded and blissfully unaware of the selfless nature of this blog. Sarah – thanks for the interesting topics that you continually manufacture, always thought provoking.
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August 14th, 2011 at 11:08 pm
maybe alicia was saying the opposite to what she thought?! eh?
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August 15th, 2011 at 3:04 am
excellent observation bel! spot-on. surely no-one would waste energy being so bleepin’ stinky in earnest.
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August 19th, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Alicia, it’s always easier to criticise others’ work than to come up with something on yr own……just as it’s easier to destroy than to create. Why don’t you show us what you can do & let us all have a go at it???
btw, I thought the article was thought provoking.
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This concept is pretty similar to one you wrote back in April: http://www.sarahwilson.com.au/2011/04/how-little-acts-of-non-conformity-make-life-better-sunday-life/
Not the most thought provoking article you’ve written for Sunday Life.
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August 14th, 2011 at 9:06 pm
And again:
http://www.sarahwilson.com.au/2010/08/sunday-life-the-secret-to-happiness-by-gretchen-rubin/
Sarah, one reason I usually enjoy your blog is for originality. However, todays topic really is quite repetitive
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August 14th, 2011 at 9:26 pm
Thanks Lily. I’ve written over 110 sunday life columns now. Each week pivots from fresh research or a fresh approach, but themes occur that build on previous findings. I’ve also written two posts on decluttering (diff approaches…but it’s a big theme), ditto procrastination. This is an evolving area and I build on what I’ve been doing for more than two years now. I can’t always come up with COMPLETELY new ideas because a) that wouldn’t be authentic and b) there’s no such thing as new ideas…
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August 14th, 2011 at 9:46 pm
And I have probably read every single column you have written. Understand it must be difficult to come up with original and innovative ideas each week, which is why this week your article felt too familiar. But thanks for taking the time to explain where you’re coming from.
Good night.
August 14th, 2011 at 9:47 pm
” there’s no such thing as new ideas… ”
Oh, puuhlease!!
What a lame excuse/position and completely wrong to boot.
August 14th, 2011 at 10:05 pm
Sarah, correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you all about finding ways to create a better & sweeter life? Nobody expects you to come up with COMPLETELY new ideas each week, but I certainly don’t agree that ‘there are no such things new ideas’ (I came up with a new idea last night when cooking dinner!). Maybe you need to clarify what you mean here. I like to think you’re authentic, not just a copycat.
August 15th, 2011 at 1:19 pm
Is ‘authenticity’ becoming the new age justification?
I read the article as repetitive, confused and selfishly egocentric – “And I didn’t tell my friend what to do when she shared her financial grief with me. I simply pressed delete on an email from a guy whose demands of me were screaming out for a well-crafted dressing down.” Must be hard being so self-important!
August 19th, 2011 at 5:47 pm
my, my people can give you such a hard time and be quite unkind.
i believe in constructive criticism and have to ask do many of these comments add to the conversation or are they simply telling us they are avid readers of the column and maybe a little cranky today.
As my father often said to my siblings and I as we would say unkind things to each other when we were kids. “If you can’t think of anything nice to say, say nothing at all.”
August 15th, 2011 at 10:32 pm
I can’t believe these negative comments. Perhaps it’s not your best article ever, but you’re entitled to write about what you like. I tend to think of doing the “opposite” in terms of the Einstein quotation, “The definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over again and expect different results.” I also like to think about a quotation that I read once that said something to the effect that researchers normally trek up a mountain after each other on the same path, each getting a little bit further up, whilst great researchers tend to shine a light to the top from a totally different mountain. It’s not to say that purposeful habit has no use, but questioning one’s assumptions is often useful. I try to use this tip all the time in thinking about my own research (in economics), in which I fall into a rut quite frequently.
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August 16th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Oh, I love those two insights Stephanie. The Einstein one is a bit of a favourite.
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August 18th, 2011 at 10:16 pm
I like them too!! THanks so much for this blog, Sarah. It’s getting me through a really difficult time – keeping my spirits up and keeping me motivated in my creative life. You’re giving such a great gift to so many people.
Alicia, I hope you are normally a nice and polite person, and that by posting such a rude and useless comment you are simply practising “doing the opposite”.
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I was hoping the same, Amanda.
I have just recently found your blog Sarah and have been so inspired! And as a fellow AI person – helped and given some hope. Bless.
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I just had to comment on this, because lately it seems to me lots of people I know, and myself, are having trouble. We simply can’t make ends meet any more, and we can’t get out of the positions we find ourselves in, as much as we want to. Kids, money, housing, inner-city living, where to live, how to live, how to get enough money to live….
And then I thought to myself, well, if nothing really works, after almost 3 decades of panhandling, trying to find out what works, I’m simply going to stop and do whatever the hell I want. I mean, I can hardly support myself and my child as it is. So why not hardly support us whilst giving up the notion that there must be another way – that I should have become a stockbroker while i had the chance, that if only I was better at managing, I’d own a house by now….can that thinking – I’m just going to throw myself heart and soul into my ridiculous business and my writing, and not normally do what I’ve been doing for so long – panicking.
Tangent, sorry!
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August 14th, 2011 at 7:08 pm
Queenie, I applaud your spirit. And hope that the drought breaks for you.
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August 15th, 2011 at 10:46 am
Thankyou!
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That’s quite interesting! I have found myself sometimes getting talked into doing the exact opposite of what I want to do, and finding it works perfectly.
Although at the moment I am conflicted by the urge to change jobs & cities, and the urge to sit on my arse. I cant tell which is the opposite!
Good article. I didnt see anything wrong with it.
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Love this post Sarah. Whether light weight or otherwise, your topics are always thought provoking and resonate with many people.
Also want to share this:I always clean my house spick and span after my children go to bed. Last night I made myself leave all the toys in mess on the floor and dishes in the sink. Very challenging for me! My husband started to pack toys up and I asked him to stop as he was interfering with my challenge (he thinks I am odd). so to read your blog today made me laugh ( and ponder). thanks for your post today – and for other posts- o sharing your intimate thoughts that challenge, inspire and offer new ways of thinking.
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August 14th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
Beck, your experience last night reminds me of an article/story I read about a full-time mother who elected not to do any of her normal activities during the day and instead spent the entire day in bed. When her husband came home that evening he found dirty breakfast dishes on the table, dirty clothes strewn across the floor, toys and mess akimbo, and he rushed upstairs thinking that they had been burgled. I think he found his wife in bed eating chocolates (or that might be my addendum…) but the point was that she’d done the opposite of normal and it had been noticed (when all spick and span previous daily efforts had been left un-noticed). Enjoy the liberation of a messy floor and dirty dishes! x
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August 14th, 2011 at 10:13 pm
I have heard this before and I loved it! Although the version I read was a little different: the woman’s husband came home and said “What on earth has happened here today?” and the wife replied “Absolutely nothing! When you said you don’t know what I do all day, well today I didn’t do any of it!” haha love it!
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Once again very refreshing. Think I might start washing my hair and not exercising and see what comes into fruition…
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Sarah, It is thought provoking what you write and quite intersting to take on a different perspective to life on a regular basis. We all get bogged down at times. Im a self employed wheat and sheep farmer. I need to be self motivated cause the farm never sleeps. The best job in the world for variety on a daily basis, however tough at times. you’ve got me thinking. J
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Not lightweight – just Sunday reading! Relax Peeps.
Sarah, you and Caitlin Moran (her book, a must-read) have made me smile today. Thank you.
Oh the glory of lazy Sunday Reading: one compulsion I”m not willing to do the opposite of… (though I did read out on the daybed, with the dog – rather than in bed with the cat. Spring is in the air!).
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Good read Sarah, I don’t understand where the negative comments were coming from the article was fine. Some people need to relax!
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August 15th, 2011 at 6:15 pm
sigh…
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August 19th, 2011 at 4:16 pm
I think the people making the negative comments are friends (ie ” Birds of a feather….”) as Sarah’s writings hardly ever attract such negative comments all at once, & expressed in such a rude manner.
Also, I do not mind good topics revisited as, sometimes, we need to hear something more than once for the true meaning to sink in…..& also, some topics are more meaningful at different stages/times of our life.
I’ve also always said that nothing is really new except perhaps in the field of Science.
I’ve been around long enough to see Management fads come & go (all rehashed from the original theories), fashion repeats, Movies etc etc. Even the New Age gurus draw on the work of ancient philosphers, but maybe presented in the language of today (which make them more understandable, & popular again).
Anything to do with human emotions & interactions have been done before, usually by one of the great Greek or Chinese philosophers of the past. This is because “Civilisation” hasn’t been around that long relative to, for example. the age of the world, so that if we were to meet with a person from 2000 years ago, I daresay they would act & feel in much the same way as we do today.
George Santayana’s quote that “those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it,” encapsulates this perfectly.
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August 19th, 2011 at 5:00 pm
Agreed Terry. No such thing as a new idea. And even amongst science generally the new discoveries were thought of on Star Trek before they were proven! Ha!
Personally I like when authors revisit ideas that are meaningful with new information to add. Especially if I have missed the first post and it is something that could possibly resonate with me!
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August 19th, 2011 at 9:30 pm
Yes, you’re quite right, Mia. As kids we used to make the flip communicators (out of rubber bands & cigarrete boxes) which the crew in the original Star Trek series used to use [giving away my vintage here
) ]. Then, a few years ago we got the real thing with mobile flip phones!
Other examples include Leonardo Da Vinci’s drawings of parachutes, helicopters & tanks. And wasn’t it Jules Verne who wrote about submarines & flying to the moon in the 1800s?
Reminds me of the quote:
“Whatever the mind of Man can Concieve, Man can Achieve”
On the other topic, I for one am glad for some overlap in topics as I’ve only recently subscribed to this blog & have not read the earlier post before, so Sarah, please continue doing what you’re doing for the sake of us new subscribers. It’s truly well appreciated, & I’m sure I speak for the silent majority.
August 19th, 2011 at 9:40 pm
Hmmm…Dunno what happened with my “smiley face”.
Also meant to mention that teleportation (“Beam me up, Scotty!”) was invented by the makers of the original Star Trek series as their small budget did not allow for models of spaceships landing, & guess what – a few years ago scientists had succeded in teleporting a beam of light a short distance….so altho its early days, teleportation cld become another case of life imitating art…& another case of nothing being really new!
August 20th, 2011 at 9:14 am
It’s all to do with vibrations, even thought vibrates;… this is how we have developed over the centuries, through thinking. Everything vibrates at a different frequency& it’s this frequency that makes us different from one another.
If atom didn’t vibrate would we be? No I don’t think so!! And yes you can make your own world on just thought, what do you think we are living in, our own thoughts, believe it or not!!
I’ve blogged some of these ideas in my own blog mrmathew1963.blogspot.com with some interesting links attached.
An interesting approach. I think one of the best side effects is there is no internal angst and struggle. Not resisting ourselves. The most important thing is to feel good and this approach really supports that. The element of surprise sure lightens life up.
I am still big on goals and creating the future but love this as an experiment.
Thanks for another great perspective!!
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Oh my God…your commenters are pain in the asses.
‘ I came up with a new idea at dinner! ‘ lol!!!!
Th
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Hi Sarah (and all)
I totally ‘got’ this article.
For me >
Life is a little like yoga. You think you are doing the stretch and then with the tiniest adjustment you feel the stretch in an entirely new way…
(a little analogy for those who feel this column is on a regular theme)
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Now I am confused about whether I should go to yoga or not?!
I am very good at procrastinating.
Sarah I love your blog and struggle with negative people. It is one thing to comment on your blog but I don’t think there is any need to be rude. You can write whatever you like!
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Wonderful. Best post in a while!
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Hi Sarah, love the philosophy behind your blog! You know what else makes life sweeter… living sustainably of course. Check out my blog Eco Nest for sustainable living bits & pieces including design & decorating, real food, every day living and more. It’s fairly new but will be loading it up with more weekly
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Thank you so much for this article! The bits about vagueness have come at the right time for me. I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago and her bafflement at my lack of a pinpoint specific goal/plan had really stuck with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and that maybe I’ve been going about my intentions all wrong.
It’s actually just frustrating in general trying to talk to people about my life intentions. It certainly seems I am at least doing the opposite of what *they* think I should be doing. My desires are vague, so I generally get the reaction that I must decide on something specifically, so I can set to and focus hard!
But…I don’t know what I want pinpoint specifically! I realize that and so I want to leave, as Lehrer says, the door flung wide open. Vagueness is welcoming Opportunity to come inside. I don’t feel like limiting myself and forgetting to take part in the now by setting my crosshairs on one narrowly defined target. I’m sure some don’t understand this, but I find it’s working for me, so it really doesn’t matter if they do or not. This article helped put that back into perspective for me, so thank you!
Just as it doesn’t matter if some commenters do or do not understand all of your posts. They don’t have to. It’s just a shame if they then feel the need to express it with negativity.
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I did this today! Alarm went off at 5am. Got out of bed at 5:05. Drank some water, stretched, gave up and got back in bed. 5:35 got up, drank more water, gave up and got back in bed. 5:45, got up, ate a spoonful of peanut butter, and went to the gym. It was absolutely ridiculous, but I ended up extremely happy and optimistic when I finally left for work. I won the battle with myself by doing the opposite and it was great.
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Well a really cute Brit charity worker asked me for my number. Usually I drum up an excuse like ‘I have a boyfriend.’ But I gave it to him this time, I still have no idea why, it felt adventurous and the opposite thing to do I a the time-we’re going out to dinner tonight!
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August 16th, 2011 at 9:33 pm
You must tell us how it went!
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Opposites: The reason we feel a buzz is that our vibrations change within ourselves, we are just changing out of one vibrational feeling into another which shows us that we are not mundane after all.
The opposite always felt good like a liar telling the truth for once & visa-versa, any change should give us this vibrational buzz & if it doesn’t you haven’t changed out of your old vibrational pattern; you’re still stuck in your old mundane patterns.
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August 19th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
Maybe we feel good when we do the opposite as the brain gets to build new neural pathways (literally exercises the brain), much like doing the crossword puzzle exercises the brain, & is one of the recommended ways to stave off Alzheimers ?…..
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Thanks for the info Sarah, looking forward to living outside the box I normally live in for a while although I may need to close the bedroom door so I can’t see the bed!!
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Thank you Sarah!
My problem is that when I have a choice there are usually two compulsions… one telling me what I want to do, and the other telling me what I should do. I.e. standing at the coffee shop during my lunch break… and choosing between green tea or a hot chocolate to drink in the break room. I thought about it (which is the compulsion and which is the opposite?) and decided that the opposite would be something completely different to both. I.e. drinking plain old water on a park bench in the sunshine.
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August 16th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
I know that tussle. I’m the same! Doing the oppsosite can get us out of that stalemate and make us prioritize!
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Oh come on people or should I call you children, …..no children act better than this, try not to act like barbarians, treat other as you would want them to treat you……stop being so bitchy life’s, toooooo short.
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“Life needs no rehearsal, just keep turning up and you will arrive”.
A quote from a wonderful little book I am reading. I find if you dont make too many plans and let life’s flow carry you along a little amazing things can happen. We get so stuck in our comfort zones and habitual patterns of doing and thinking that we dont leave any “space” for new adventures.
Doing the opposite allows something different to occur and you just never know what Life has waiting for you in its wings
Thanks Sarah, bet you are having to practice “doing the opposite” by not responding to the not so favorable comments. Its just their opinion, and “not that there’s anything wrong with that”
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August 20th, 2011 at 8:53 am
Dee, I support you 110%, Sarah seems to have brought the worst & the beast out in people, talk about opposites. Look outside the square & you can see why the world is a mess, too many aggressively negative people, if you can’t say anything good about people don’t say anything at all!!
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August 20th, 2011 at 8:56 pm
Hahahaha….”beast” is 100% correct…even if that was a typo!
On reflection, the ones who lash out & are nasty to others are most likely very unhappy people…much like abused animals lashing out in pain & fear. So, we shld pity them instead of being angry with them.
Just think: When was the last time you were able to be nasty to someone when you were in a happy mood?
….altho sometimes I can’t resist the urge to verbally “hammer” an annoying individual just as you wld swat a pesky fly…..gives some temporary satisfaction just like scratching an itch……
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[...] facilitates a fresh approach. Sarah Wilson wrote an article about ‘doing the opposite’ here. Eating a savoury breakfast may be just the wacky habit you need to cultivate in order to re-shift [...]