question: “how do you deal with infertility?”
Every now and then I answer a question from a reader that I figure best to answer en masse…here’s one that struck me recently:
I recently dug up this question from reader Dharma. It was in response to my interview with Brene Brown on vulnerability. It’s a doozie.
Ok, I have a question for you. And I am only asking this because I have been basking in some pretty painful vulnerability for the past six months. The area of vulnerability for me is my fertility, it’s drifitng away from me. I try to be optimisitc, sometimes I fail. I went through searching for answers through friends, family and experts only to learn no-one else has the answers either. I have learnt to let go, my life is far less in control than it was a year ago. I am learning to be ok with this, to understand not everything works out the way to plan.
But, I still struggle with, how, when you are in this state of being do you make tough decisions? How does being deliberate come into play when the risks are high and you don’t know what way to turn?
I’m a spiritual person, I meditate, I practice yoga, I do any number of things. I TRY to trust life. But when those flashes of vuneralbility do come in, it can be hard to trust.
- Dharma
OK. This strikes chords right now. For all of you who’ve followed my thyroid/hashimotos/autoimmune journey, you’d know I’ve had ups and downs. Two weeks ago I had a bit of a down. I found out I’ve got some serious complications with my hormones. Again. Sadly, things have gone wonky and so my body has reacted. Mostly to tell me to slow down. Again. I’d been travelling well, but my anxiety crept back in and BAM! my body reminded me I’d pushed things too far once more. I’m working on getting things back working again with Chinese herbs. I believe I will. I know I will. This is not the first time.
So Dharma, I answer you intimately. Because I appreciate “fertility drift”. I think the hardest thing about the issue is the uncertainty. During my 20s and early 30s, having kids was something I just knew I’d do. So it all felt safe and certain, albeit “down the track”. Now, it’s a big fat unknown. Or seems to be more so because the volume on the uncertainty is turned up by this idea of “running out of time”. And this is the bit where vulnerability comes in. Because as Brene said in my interview with her, wholehearted, life-enhancing vulnerability “means actively letting go of certainty”. And I know you’ve said you’ve been working on this. But you’re finding it tough. Fair enough!
The second hardest bit for women – and men – in this predicament, I think, is having to reposition yourself. In the face of the uncertainty, you have to make new plans, plans you never thought you’d have to make. That is, plans for a life without kids. This is not to say you won’t have them, but it means lightening up on the expectation. Taking your hands off the steering wheel that’s locked into the road to Mum-dom and seeing where other roads might lead. Yes, being open to something even BETTER THAN or JUST AS GOOD AS having kids coming along.
Because, really, we should anyway.
Everything about growing up as a chick steers us toward motherhood. We’re raised to think this is what we all must do. So it’s super hard to be open to a life without kids – there are so many messages that drag us from this calm, cool, reasonable space.
Acknowledge this. It’s hard. So. We have to go there ourselves, bravely and with vulnerability, because there are so few guidebooks for this terrain.
Being vulnerable in a situation like this is about going out bravely and standing in life and saying “I don’t know what’s going to happen”, “I might not tick off all the life boxes”, “My life could go in one of countless directions”. And owning it. Owning your bravery and your redefining of life.
Because, really, we should anyway.
And, yes, having tears and fears at times. But knowing the tears are saying “woah, this is big, this is a wild, bold brave transition!”. They’re not about loss or lack.
I think the salve is to be vigilant. And, yes, deliberate. To own the situation like you mean it. It means practicing being cool with a life without kids. Or with kids. Either way, you’ll contribute, give, have a big, bold, rich life. It means talking with people who’ve made the choice. Reading about women who contributed to life in different ways. Not talking about your future as a “lack” or as a “missing out”. Not getting caught up in other people’s panic about your predicament. And to steer things to the open road yourself. Lead everyone else there.
And frankly I prefer the open road. Whatever happens.
When I’m truly vulnerable with this or any issue, when I say, “I just don’t know what’s going to happen” and I’m deliberate about being cool with it, I find a strength that is quite defining and satisfying. It’s not so much about “trying to trust life”. That’s a chore. I take a slightly different tact.
I practice the art of being a person who’s open and cool. I’ve had to do this so, so, so many times in my life.
This is a far more fun, expansive approach. Does that make sense? It means my vulnerability is about being raw and exposed, but ultimately something I steer and own. As opposed to being about feeling powerless, with my happiness and future something left to the hand’s of fate.
As Mark Twain wrote: “I was gratified to answer promptly. I don’t know.”
Or, as I sometimes say, “Fuck the rules!”.
I’d be interested to know your thoughts on this? Do you feel hemmed in by the mum-dom push? Do you get too attached to the uncertainty of your predicament, whatever it might be?
Having faced the whole infertility issue myself in the last year, I feel for those who are in a similar place as me, or who have been told in no uncertain terms that they will not be able to have children. I also debate at times as to what’s harder – the thought of not being able to have children or having to deal with social expectations and quite confronting questions of do you want / when will you have / why don’t you have any children. You would think people would know by now to not ask those questions! Having said that, a couple of things have resonated with me in the last couple of months that seem to help with dealing with the issue, firstly to spend as much time as possible with my sister’s and friends’ children. It’s much better to be the much loved aunt than to have no children in your life at all. Secondly, to accept the fact that sometimes you can’t have everything you want in life. A harsh but real truth to deal with. I have also found this very statement to be the perfect answer for those questions posed by others on my childless situation. And thirdly, as a lovely man once said to me after his wife pestered me about when I was planning to have kids – don’t think about it too much, but just keep practicing trying.
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Great writing Sarah, always your best stuff when you write from deep down.
Very true what you say about studying other women who didn’t have children. A women in my block is about 60-ish, never had kids, no current partner but is the most fulfilled person I know.
After I read her resume I seriously need a nap! And I don’t mean career highlights (though she was the first accredited female motorbike instructor in Victoria – in the 70′s – and she still rides).
She’s on 5 different boards, is President of the Rationalist Society of Australia, Director of the Asian University for Women (Chittagong, Bangladesh), Facilitator for Australian Institute of Company Directors, works in Vietnam & China helping to save Moon Bears, etc, etc.
Holds a PhD in organisational management, rides a BMW F650 GS bike and a a VW R32 3.2 litre V6 all wheel drive racing car! This lady rocks. Just so inspiring – you can pack so much into a non-child life.
(A misnomer anyway, everyone I’ve met without kids has heaps of “kid-time” with nieces/nephews, etc. This lady always has an overseas student staying at her place so always has company).
Another one of my female role models is Dr Stephanie Burns, did her PhD in “learning to learn” and just finished a motorbike tour of Italy. Her life experiences also makes me wilt! I don’t know where she gets the energy from.
Smart, strong, bold women. A very attractive trait indeed. (Provided they let me hold the TV remote, that’s a non-negotiable!).
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September 22nd, 2011 at 10:11 am
PS: Sorry to hear about your recent health setback.
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September 22nd, 2011 at 2:11 pm
I like your examples! Thanks for sharing, Paul.
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The other day I was sitting in a cafe with a few girlfriends and one of them was saying to our group
“You have to start deciding what to do, whom you want to settle down with, when you want to start having kids …. you don’t want to be the only single friend that always gets seated next to the only other rather balding and unattractive single guy just because you haven’t settled down yet …. I mean in a few years I’ll be 29 and well….. that’s too old!”
This made me laugh so much because a) I am 30 and very happily single and without kids and b) because I realised that a lot of people probably feel this strong socially adhered current running their lives and can’t imagine ever living life another way.
All the rules that we have grown up with are traditions and beliefs that someone along the way MADE UP! It’s not real.
That doesn’t mean that the feelings associated with wanting those things like having beautiful babies and getting married to the man of your dreams aren’t real and wonderful, but I think life is much bigger than each of us. We are like the cells that make up a body. So as a single cell, how can we determine the outcome of every single little thing?
I hope that makes sense ……. My heart goes out to all the amazing women in the world who have that special maternal instinct within them however haven’t been able to share it with children of their own just yet. A friend of mine is in the same position and she has now decided that she is a mother to everyone and directs her energy and attention to fulfilling her maternal desires in that way. Very special!
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September 22nd, 2011 at 10:14 am
“A friend of mine is in the same position and she has now decided that she is a mother to everyone and directs her energy and attention to fulfilling her maternal desires in that way.”
Brilliant, a mother to all. I liked some of my ex-girlfriends mother’s more than my own at times – so you can be a mother to others.
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xox
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September 22nd, 2011 at 11:55 am
p.s. If your idea of slowing down is :
1) Continuing to write a weekly column for a national newspaper
(with all the research/content trawling that this entails)
2) Staring down a deadline while presumably actually writing your first book
3) Knocking out a comprehensive e-book on the side
4) Commuting weekly down the East Coast of this big beautiful country for TV/Publicity/Whatever
5) Dealing with the stress of moving, even if it is to a wonderful laid back space/place
6) Blogging Big Time and interacting with your audience about just about everything
(With all of the necessary head energy that this entails)
7) Supporting and devoting time to good causes
… and god knows what else that you get up to that I’ve missed or that you don’t ‘share.’
.. then I suspect that your body may make the decision for you in this matter.
Chinese Herbs alone probably won’t cover it ..
I think you are the Bees Knees Sarah ..
find someone to Love
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September 22nd, 2011 at 12:02 pm
I actually took “slowing down” to mean more of a more mental thing… you can be busy, without being overly hard on yourself and being in the perfectionist mindset. I dont think its the doing that is the problem, its the mental “pushing.” Of course, you may be right Mike! Just guessing. xx
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September 27th, 2011 at 9:31 pm
Well it wouldn’t be the first time that I am right MM .. but having written that I must admit that I’ve been wrong quite a few times also ..
Get what you mean about the ‘pushing’. Good Point !
This is such a brave post Sarah. It makes me feel a bit weird though. Something didn’t sit quite right. I think it confuses me when you say that you shouldn’t conform to societal expectations and pressures if you are not in the position to have children, which is very true. However i am of the thinking that if you have any fertility left and you are just waiting for the perfect partner or the ‘one’ then don’t. Get pregnant if you can. This is coming from someone who was so ambivalent about having children I really would have just been fine if told I was unable. But I had an unplanned pregnancy and now have one daughter who is all I need and I am doing it alone which was unplanned too. But I have had my mind altered to the age old essence of life. It’s like being on one big acid trip, you thought you had the world all worked out then your perception is changed and you see the other world. Anyway just saying if you can’t have a child then live the coolest life ever but if there is a chance you can then just do it and don’t let circumstances hold you back because if you have enough love they will be fine without all the other so called necessities people tell us we should have in place before we have children.
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September 22nd, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Nice words. I’ve considered all the above. I simply remain “open”. Or at least I “practice” it!!!
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September 22nd, 2011 at 7:22 pm
that’s such a cool thing to hear, mel – i’ve never heard people talking like that about having kids.
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If being a Mother is everything to you, then you should do everything it takes to be a Mother. IVF, Adoption, Foster Care… find a way. Angelina Jolie had the same advice for Sally Obermeder, and Sally is now pregnant too. Get ‘deliberate’ about being a Mum. Deliberately go out there and search down your means of being able to be a Mother to a child.
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Sarah, I am so sorry to hear of your setbacks. Thinking of you, and sending you love.
As for myself… I’ve heard it all. “You dont understand love until you have kids.” “Your life isn’t complete without kids.” “The whole purpose of a woman’s life is to give birth.” “I dont understand how you can be happy in your life without motherhood.” “You’ll change your mind when you get older.” “Childless women are all bitter, selfish hags.” It’s so frustrating that there seems to be only one option for women, are we are expected – by OTHER WOMEN no less – to conform to this cookie-cutter mould.
Plenty of amazing people don’t have children. Liz Gilbert, the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, Louisa May Alcott, Jane Austen, Frances Bacon, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Margaret Cho, Julia Child, Helen Clark, Leonardo Da Vinci, Emily Dickinson, Florence Nightingale, Francis Drake, Amelia Earhart, Diane Fossey, Katherine Hepburn, Ian McKellan, Helen Mirren, Joan of Arc, Helen Keller, Margaret Mitchell, Sir Isaac Newton, Frederick, Rosa Parks, Dolly Parton, Plato, Beatrix Potter – so many! Including our current prime minister. And, there was this dude called Jesus who a lot of people thought was pretty rad who didn’t have kids either. I could go on for pages listing great thinkers, philanthropists, writers, poets, artists, presidents, human rights activists, actors, politicians, musicians and others who have made an amazing contribution to the world without children. Some might say they were able to do so BECAUSE they didn’t have children, and had the time and resources to devote to other causes.
My personal view is that having children is harder than most people think, more expensive, requires a lot of selflessness and sacrifice and it isn’t for everyone. So you have to be sure 110% that you REALLY want it before you commit. Me personally? I have health problems other than the Hashimotos, and it would take a lot of medical intervention for me to become pregnant. I’ve decided that it isn’t worth it for someone who really doesn’t want it enough. I like kids, respect mums, and I LOVE babies, but have never really had a huge desire for my own. Just like I respect heart surgeons but know it is a job I will never really have enough of a desire to do. I’m looking forward to being a rockin’ aunt or stepmum one day! It’s a role that suits me better, and I dont see why I need to apologise for that.
I just wish women weren’t such bitches about each others’ personal choices. Having kids or not isn’t something we should be fighting over, we should be supporting each other either way ESPECIALLY where infertility is concerned. But it isnt happening.
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September 22nd, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Love this Mia! It’s so true! There is value in life no matter what way we choose or life decides for us to live it. x
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September 22nd, 2011 at 11:07 pm
Oh Mia, you sound exactly like me before I had a child. But usually things are consistenly said because they are pretty much true over thousands of years. Look I thought I was way too selfish and I also thought my dog was the be all and end all of love but yes there is a reason people continue to have kids and seriously from a very non maternal person to someone who just felt like I had a pretty cool thing going on then the world cracked open and I saw the gold underneath, like I found the secret all parents know but don’t let on. But only another mother knows what I’m talking about. Abd that list is pretty nuts because of course there are a crap load of amazing non parents!! And Jesus well if you believe in fairytales.
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September 23rd, 2011 at 11:00 am
Interesting that you feel the need to justify your choice to become a mother to me.
That pretty much says it all.
The Jesus as a fairytale idea was particularly cute. I’m not a Christian but have friends who are, I am open to all beliefs. Sounds like you are narrow-minded and rude even in spite of becoming a mother, you aren’t selling it very well!
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September 23rd, 2011 at 11:28 am
I wonder if (to muddle metaphors) both sides of the coin can be equally true?
That being a parent can add an entirely new dimension on life, love and fulfilment but that at the same time one can experience love in all its glory without becoming a parent?
It’s a choice that’s so personal, it’s hard to talk about without feeling like we’re being judged. I know I die inside when I hear people talk about selfish 30 something women without kids, because if my ex hadn’t ended things, I would have loved to have had kids by now, or at least on the way. But it wasn’t a situation within my control.
I am very open to the experience of motherhood if and when it comes my way, but I think it’s a bit rough to have a go at others for feeling differently, especially if there are significant medical reasons that could affect their ability to choose to have children.
By the way, women have been consistently oppressed in many societies for thousands of years. Does that mean that we should accept it as pretty much the natural order of things? I’d prefer to be on the side of progress.
September 23rd, 2011 at 3:53 pm
Mia I didn’t realise I had to be a saint to be a mother. No I don’t believe in Jesus or any other religious view point. I responded like that because your several posts on this subject appeared to be pretty aggressive in defending not having children. I love this blog and by it’s nature it is very self focused and I just thought maybe there are a few people swaying whether to wait around to see if the perfect partner, relationship, job, money circumstance materialises before thinking about kids. Just don’t wait too long because really love is what u need and kids are not really expensive unless u buy into all the private school, FWD stuff. And I really don’t get why you need to be defending your choice to not have children. It’s not actually uncommon, you are not some maverick trailblazer, people probably care less than u think about your choice. I was married for 10 yrs before I had a child so I get it and I was not even sure if I wanted children when I got pregnant and listening to kiddy stories nauseated me but now I can see it from the other side and it’s an unexpected love and joy. So yeah I have been childless too Mia. Anyway somehow motherhood seems to keep selling itself so luckily I don’t have to and can just carry on with my smug, godless, rude mummy existence.
September 23rd, 2011 at 11:31 am
Love it Monkey Mia! It doesn’t bother me whether I am fertile or infertile. Most of my smug married friends with kids think that I will regret it later in life and that my life is incomplete without them. I don’t even bother to defend myself anymore. What’s the point when someone is so narrow-minded? Let them enjoy their maternal bliss for we know it is all momentary
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September 23rd, 2011 at 12:16 pm
The idea that childlfree women regret not having children when they are old, could not be less true! Absolute bullshit, and plenty of studies have proven it to be bullshit. Liz Gilbert discusses the studies in her latest book in a bit more depth, but basically – ill health and poverty cause misery in old age. Children or not, doesnt factor in.
Besides, plenty of mothers regret having children. Google it. You’ll come up with hundreds of thousands of confessions from women who love their children more than life itself, but wish they never had them. I have had parents say this to me in person. If you dont want children, then have them, many people do regret this. Not bringing a child into the world that you dont even want is a GOOD THING. God knows the world has enough unwanted children.
I see my lack of fertility as a sign from the universe that it just wasn’t meant to happen for me. My life feels happy, and complete. If I had been meant to have children I am sure I would move heaven and Earth to make it happen, like I have seen friends do, who have gone on to be amazing parents… but in the end, you only have yourself to answer to. Fuck the rules, as Sarah said! We all need to find our own definition of what is a worthy life.
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September 23rd, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Love your outlook Monkey Mia, for me you are like a cool drink of water and a great antidote to smug mummies.
September 23rd, 2011 at 1:02 pm
Nice one, MM. Everyone who loves kids knows how wonderful they are but if it’s not on the cards for me, then there’s plenty of other stuff I can do with my life.
September 23rd, 2011 at 5:03 pm
Well said Monkey Mia. I love your words they ring true. Maybe the universe has a grander plan for women who don’t become mothers, or maybe they do nurture and “mother” everyone they meet as Vienda said.
September 23rd, 2011 at 10:31 pm
I completely agree with you Mia. I know a number of older women who have admitted to me that if they had to do it over again they wouldn’t have kids (though they love their kids to death). Not everyone is the same. Personally I found Mel’s comment off-putting. One of the loveliest pieces I have read on the “referendum” is this one: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/17/the-referendum/?scp=1&sq=The%20Referendum&st=cse
Thanks for your post, Sarah. It’s so nice to hear this thing being spoken about openly. I lost my fertility approx 2 years ago due to tumors, which ended my hopes of ever having my own children. Being only 6 months into my marriage, it came as a huge shock to both of us. Surprisingly though, we found that as the decision was made for us, we were able to move on with our lives and didn’t dwell too much.
The hardest thing we found was how our friends & family reacted. Their responses varied from complete silence to constant pressure about ‘child alternatives’ ie adoption, ivf, embryo donations. My husband and I take in foster children occcasionally, but this wasn’t enough for some of our friends & family – they wanted us to have a child to ‘keep’.
This is why I totally agree with your stance ‘fuck the rules’.
To all of the people out there who are feeling the pressure to reproduce (whether you have the ability to or not), take a step back and breathe for a bit. Do you really want it, or is it the people around you?
There is a huge demand out there for foster carers, so I encourage everybody who wants children but can’t, to have a go. It gives you a great perspective on life and parenting, and you’ll be giving a child a wonderful opportunity that they wouldn’t have had otherwise.
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September 22nd, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Beautiful. Fuck the rules! Congratulations to you and your hubby for negotiating the path less travelled and making your own rules.
In addition to foster carers, you can help out people in many ways. I volunteer time with an organisation that raises awareness about rape and victim blaming/ shaming. I find this to be incredibly rewarding. Looking forward to working with animal charities also. Kids aren’t the only path to happiness.
I have also noticed that when you talk about infertility people immediately get incredibly defensive and start pushing IVF/ adoption as if their life depends on it! The force at which people insist children MUST be had at all costs puzzles me…
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September 22nd, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Yes, foster carers!!!! I should have mentioned that, too, in the post. Thanks.
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Ahhh. Yes. This has been a big one for me, too.
I was 34 when I was assaulted by a former lover, and developed PTSD and depression. Until that happened, I thought I had plenty of time. PTSD then proceeded to devour the next five years of my life. Then this year, having done truckloads of hardwork, therapy and healing and finding myself mostly PTSD-free (hooray!), I was diagnosed Hashimoto’s. While it’s still not confirmed 100%, the cause of my Hashimoto’s is most likely adrenal exhaustion from having PTSD.
Most of this time, I have both wanted and not wanted to be in a relationship. Even now, I’m working on feeling safe with letting new people into my life. Especially men. It really sucks, because yeah I really do want kids.
But now I’m 39 and will be 40 in December. I’m cool with getting older, that’s never been my issue and I have role models who are older women in their 50′s and 60′s. They are in their power and I think they’re beautiful and amazing.
Of course, getting older and still being (subconsciously) fearful of letting anyone in, AND having Hashimoto’s is a triple threat against the odds of my chances of having a child. I know this.
So like you wrote, Sarah, I’ve been re-imagining my future. I do know older childless women who are fulfilled and wonderful, and that helps. And I’ve also got a plan in place to turn my life into something meaningful. It’s well underway.
Also, I have three wonderful nieces that I adore. That helps a lot. But yes, there are still times – days, hours, moments – when I feel pretty crappy about those lost years. In those times, here’s a list of things I like to do:
* Talk to a friend or therapist about my future plans – just last night I told my acupuncturist all about it and it was exciting to see his positive reaction!
* Watch/read something inspiring. I also have inspiring messages and pictures scattered around my home. Something to bring me back to a wider view of life and what’s possible.
* Get creative. Because anything we do creatively is the SAME life-force that creates babies. Just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean we can’t create something wonderful.
* Spend time with my nieces. My goodness but their hijinks and sweetness are a complete and utter balm for my heart!
* Find ways to make myself laugh, loudly and at length.
Yes, society looks unkindly on women who don’t have kids. But what’s a girl to do? I firmly believe that the universe has more of a say in what happens in our lives than we think. I don’t believe it’s always our choice.
I’m absolutely sure that if I had a kid, I’d be over the moon. But perhaps in this lifetime it’s not meant to be. So, my dreams of going deeper into my yoga teacher training in India prevail. Once I’ve done that, my plan is to teach somewhere in Asia and hopefully to volunteer in some kind of work that involves children.
There are so many kids out there that aren’t given the sort of love they deserve. So if I can’t have my own, I’ll love other people’s and do what I can to be of service to those who are here.
Life. It’s not just about us and what we have or don’t have. That helps me keep all of my troubles in perspective.
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September 22nd, 2011 at 7:32 pm
it’s so true that there are so many kids out there that aren’t getting the love they deserve. while i’m sure i want to have kids someday, sometimes it seems like the most supremely selfish thing to do – to create another life when there are so many little people in need of love already out there…
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September 23rd, 2011 at 1:03 pm
Brilliant Bridget!
I once heard someone say “Having kids is the worst thing you could do for the world’s environment”. And thinking about it – I see where he’s going with this.
I speak as a mum of 2 – so not exactly qualified on the subject of infertility – but I’m not great with kids. (I’m having a kids b’day party – I adore the cooking and the preparations – NOT looking forward to dealing with the kids).
But back to my point – I know its just me – but I’m uncomfortable with anyone’s decision to have any more than two kids!!! In this overpopulated world “there are so many little people in need of love already out there…”
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“I’ve been re-imagining my future” – well said Svasti, I need to start doing the same. The future I’m imagining, I fear, is magical and mythical and not in any way authentic and real. So I’ll start re-imagining, and if kids arrive in that future it will be a wonderful bonus to an already fulfilled life.
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Thanks Sarah, another great post that resonates with me and where I am currently at. I have been on the AI rollercoaster for the last 20 months; experiencing the inconsistent ups and downs associated. Generally speaking these last 8 months have been much better and the duration of the lows shorter…but I too have been feeling ‘a bit off’ ove the last 2 weeks. Inconsistent low energy, puffy face (mainly one eye), loss of end of eyebrow (same eye), dilated pupils, sore creaky joints, big puffy tummy and brain fog. I have hashimotos and celiac, but I reckon my hormones are out of wack too…I am particularly low in energy (beyond normal) ‘at that time of the month’…any other AI ladies get this?
When my energy began wanning again a few weeks back…I was hoping it was the Full Moon…my friend told me that it brings negativity for a few days. One thing I do know is the energy returns (in it’s own time), but the inconsistency of it all is annoying…hard to plan things (outings/holidays/dates etc). I imagine it would be tricky for you with your media commitments?
I am a purposeful person…I like to have plans, I have a very idealistic view of a family life, but I am 31 and my dream is nowhere in sight. The thought of a life without children is unthinkable to me…not something I feel I could accept. I am not one who is good at repositioning…I do not make new plans easily….I am a strong driving force…law of momentum I suppose!
I am anxious about having children. My sister (who does not suffer AI) tried for years and underwent IVF to have her children in her twenties. I have considered the single parent option (Plan B); this has been met with varying degrees of judgement by close friends and family. I am not willing to look at Plan C or any other childless options at this stage; I am not wanting to let go of the powerful healing force of hope.
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Re-dedicate, re-focus, re-new…and repeat as necessary
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Hi Sarah! While I don’t have (as far as I know at least) any problems with my fertility, this piece struck a chord with me. I am 23, and by rights should probably not even be thinking about having children! I don’t have a boyfriend/lover/partner, and nor am I looking for one. However, a lot of my friends are in long term relationships with their high school sweet hearts, a few have gotten married, and one has started her family with a beautiful little boy. I also come from a family of two siblings, in which my brother is severely disabled. My mother wants grandchildren, she has made it very clear, so it falls to me to provide them. But sometimes I question whether that is what I want from life. I love traveling and my own space, and for the most part do not relate well to children or know how to talk to them or play with them. So I feel very pressured by my friends and families expectations of me, without knowing whether it is what I want for myself! I shall just wait I suppose, maybe as I creep closer to 30 it will all fall into place in my mind and life. xx
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Very sad to hear of your health setbacks again
This strikes a chord with me a little. I’m 22, but having battled eating disorders for the past decade, now with PCOS (albeit mild & unmedicated), I’ve been told that if I ever want kids it’s likely to be a tough journey if it ever happens at all. It’s something I should start putting effort into, but my care factor isn’t that high & sometimes I think it’s easier just being in denial.
Heather above, I love your comment!
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October 8th, 2011 at 8:22 pm
Hi Ella,
I too have PCOS and also would love to write a book one day on what I have lived so far, once I finish all my research. PCOS comes in so many different severities and yet not a lot of information out there for it. I too experienced eating disorders (prob every type there is) and depression and now at the age of 24 am still experimenting with the different types of treatment that my body reacts positively to. My biggest suggestion is to get onto angus castus/chasteberry (actually it has many interchangeable names) which is a herb. I suggest this to all women that I encounter that have PCOS but definitely see a naturopath for any other supplementation advice, I myself am not formally qualified…I’ve just lived it.
Also for further information, or when you do feel ready to look into it further (you have to be mentally ready to do so also) then check out books by Colette Harris. She is a Dr that specialises in womens health and also has PCOS herself.
Emma D
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I was on a journey reading your article.. I think when any threat to what you believe is going to happen in your life raises its head it is going to test you, especially with the question of fertility. Our society is totally geared towards having children and you are judged at a certain age if you dont have them, why not? people say … it makes people uncomfortable as they cant define you and many people are ONLY defined by having children. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and know who you are and what you need to do to comfort yourself and be good to those around you by being authentic.. then thats a great start. Sarah from what I see of you , you are talented, beautiful, strong and present.. sort of a hard working fatalist .. Impressive to say the least. You will find a way and achieve what brings you joy.
Fabulous read as always thanks for sharing
Mel W
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I’ve recently gone through IVF, and this post only partially resonates with me. (Though, I really appreciate you bringing up fertility issues – so important and unfortunately too taboo to be discussed much).
I guess I should just speak for myself and not for others… I think it would have been really hard to “take my hands off the steering wheel” during the IVF process. There’s injections, there’s side effects, there’s doctors shoving things up your hoo-ha. It’s pretty intense for a while there, on a daily basis. And some people go through several cycles of it. So I think it’s really important to have strong motivation and desire and hope in order to get through that.
So from my point of view, I would differentiate general fertility concerns with people who are actively seeking treatment for infertility. Not to judge either concern, but I think they’re different. (Not wildly different, but different.) I do agree that reminding oneself that one can’t plan everything in life is helpful in either case. And I think it’s important to deal with uncertainty. But the way I see it, one is probably in a different mental state when actively and aggressively pursuing parenthood, compared with what you described.
Wishing you blessings of good health.
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Hi Sarah,
Your humility, love and openess in sharing this has blown me away today, I’m sitting at work, welling up in tears feeling the openess in your words!! Sarah, you really are such a beautiful soul.
I wrote that post on a particularly vulnerable day. Funnily enough, reading it back now I am so proud of the honesty in those words. For once I wasn’t trying to pretend I was OK with it, that I was unaffected, that it wasn’t a big deal. It is a big deal. But, I totally agree, it brings with it such great opportunities to steer your own life. As a result of it I am choosing to navigate a new path, its scary but liberating too!
So to all those beautiful women out there who are in this strange and unexpected place that Sarah and I find ourselves in – for whatever reason – how lucky are we to have each other and, for me at least, I know this is the one place I will come to next time I have one of those days of vulnerability.
Thanks Sarah, from the bottom of my heart.
xx
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September 22nd, 2011 at 9:07 pm
My pleasure. And thank you, too. For inviting me to go there. x
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September 29th, 2011 at 11:38 am
Dharma,
Nobody likes to be vulnerable. Everyone will avoid it if they can. But with infertility the vulnerability is multi-faceted. You’re vulnerable biologically to your medical treatment, leaving behind the preciousness of the privacy of making a baby. Then your private parts are exposed to fluorescent lights. Your partner is put in a closet with a Playboy where he is expected to produce a “specimen.” You’re vulnerable psychologically to the vast array of disappointments and insults and challenges. You’re vulnerable socially because wherever you turn you are reminded of what you don’t have. In addition, the privacy issue comes into play again. Whom, if anyone, do you invite into the sanctity of your relationship so you’re not totally isolated? And you’re vulnerable spiritually, wondering why you?
Sarah commented that there were few guidebooks for this terrain. Perhaps she (and you) don’t know about mine. On Fertile Ground: Healing Infertility is a book I published as a result of 32 years of experience in working with people like you who are striving for a family. I’m certain that you would feel well-understood and would come to understand infertility from a different perspective. Most important, the end of each chapter provides you with mind/body exercises which teach you how to navigate the choppy waters of infertility.
Best of luck to you, Dharma.
Helen Adrienne, LCSW, BCD
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Hello,
For me, your posts made me consider the ‘what if’ versions of my own life.
Version one; find mate, have children, tick all the boxes and therefore answer correctly to the questions from strangers at bbq’s and parties….or version two; if I dont have children does this now mean that I am compelled to create a ‘superachiever life’ so I can prove that my life is fulfilled in the absence of child? …hmmmmm….what about if I can only muster a regular life, with a regular day job, a fews friends and some fun on the weekends…. I not sure about anyone else, but I missed the list on arrival that let me select, or show what I had selected in this life’s package deal:-) So I guess I’ll just sit back and see what the tour guide had planned. LGH
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September 22nd, 2011 at 8:02 pm
LGH it really seems that way doesn’t it, a) have kids, or b) live super amazing successful life that ‘justifies’ not having kids. where is the middle ground?
thanks for such an honest post Sarah. you’re a cool chick!
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thanks for writing this Sarah – my prayers are that you will get well soon
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Sarah this is beautiful. After finding out at the age of 19 that my issue will not be to fall pregnant but rather a high risk of repeated miscarriage I started to grieve for the losses I’m yet to experience. Fast forward and these feelings have been supressed deep inside for fear of showing a vulnerability I’m not ready to face. Clearly children are not on the radar at this stage but already I found myself pushing and striving to control where my life is heading in other aspects for subconcious fear that I can’t justify my existence through the ability to produce a family. For me the acceptance lies not in trying to shape my life, but rather reminding myself that the fact that I am here is enough. To exist is enough. To breathe is enough. This moment is enough.
Best wishes for your healing journey. You are an inspirational woman, and have touched my life and I’m sure that of many others more than you know.
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This was a really beautiful piece, Sarah. I hope your health problems improve soon. I am also struggling with health problems, so I understand. I had to become “cool with the open road” a few years ago. I am 41 and I have no children. I had friends who were pushing me to get serious about finding a mate in my mid-30s, which really didn’t work. I’m just not the type to settle. At 39 I met the perfect guy on my terms and I’m really happy. I couldn’t be happier. It’s not likely that we’ll have kids though, for a few reasons, though not impossible. Through my late 30s I learned to let that go, and what largely helped me was coming to terms with the idea that we “don’t get everything in life.” When I let go of expecting that I could have everything I wanted in life, I became a lot happier and doors started opening for me. I felt graceful, in a way, which was new. (One cool thing I’ve thought of recently is of how one can be a cool auntie!)
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September 23rd, 2011 at 11:33 am
Thanks Stephanie. The idea of “Not getting everything in life” and being graceful really resonates with me today. D x
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September 23rd, 2011 at 10:33 pm
Thanks, Dani. That’s sweet.
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September 24th, 2011 at 3:31 pm
A lovely outlook Stephanie. Your story sounds quite similar to my story. It’s heartening to know that there are others at the same place.
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Beautiful words Sarah!
I am 21 and was recently diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (aka PCOS), which I believe many young women are facing these days due to a combination of elements – the pill, diet, lifestyle etc. And although I’m not quite at the stage of the mum-dom push, it certainly turned my world on its head…for a moment. I always saw myself as having children and, as you said, grew up being steered towards motherhood with the rest of the female population.
So although I am currently treating my PCOS with a rainbow of natural treatments from a naturopath, I welcome this wonderfully open point of view and believe it is something we can apply to anything in our everyday lives!! Its about not getting bogged down by the restrictions that life sometimes throws at us, but welcoming any challenge with optimism and courage. For its when we are out of our comfort zones, exposing our raw selves to the world that we truly grow and overcome these hurdles.
Thank you for yet another pot of wisdom xo
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Oohhhhh….. this hits a nerve. I just celebrated my 29th birthday….
Since my marriage of 6 years ended two years ago I definitely had my moment of “This is so painful! I’m going backward. Where is the man whom I love and loves me? I thought I’d be in a vibrant marriage and have kids by now!” It was hard to shift from wading in the loss to embracing uncertainty and the open road and owning my newly redefined life. But I did it. And I was doing a good job of holding this new perspective, in fact it felt good. I felt free…..
But now, I’m hurting again. But I think its not so much that I’m getting too attached to the uncertainty of ever finding someone and having kids. I think it might be that I’m completely and irrevocably smitten with a certain gorgeous man whom I am currently “just friends” with and I am way too invested in a certain outcome i.e. he and I will eventually get together and love each other and love life together and start a family. We absolutely adore each other, and yet I have no reason to believe he wants anything more than friendship from me. He doesn’t know he has my heart. I know I shouldn’t be this invested but I really believe we’d be a great match. *sigh* There is a rather thick layer of complexity though that may have him just biding his time until the timing is right………
Well, what I know is that I just somehow need to find a way to let go of expectation. We may end up together, and we may not, and I just need to be OK with either outcome and focus on living presently.
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September 25th, 2011 at 10:52 am
Apologies. I should probably vent this stuff in my journal, but I started the vent here, and so I will continue it here….
After writing the above I began to see that I am in bondage. All my thoughts and just living my life had become subordinate to my constant pining for this friend. Unrequited love is ridiculous, and painful. I really can’t do this anymore, I need to get free. I need to untie myself and take back my heart. So…… I gave myself a new mantra: “Let it go, baby. Let it go.” For the past two days, every time I begin to think of him or the possibility of “us” I say “Let it go, baby. Let it go, let it go, let it go….” I say it as many times as I need to until my head returns to my shoulders and I once again have the right perspective. Reconditioning like this takes time, but I’m already beginning to feel a little more free.
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Infertility is a hard one. I’m 38 and have never been pregnant… not once… not even a miscarriage. The doctors say I’m fine and my husband is fine but it just doesn’t happen. I often wonder if it’s because I’m borderline hypothyroid.
I often wonder if I’ll ever get pregnant and have a biological child but if it doesn’t happen that’s ok but truly a big question mark. It’s one of those things that you wonder if it ever will reveal itself.
On the bright side my husband and I adopted my son when he was 2 weeks old and he is the love of my life, my sunshine in the sky, my one true love at first sight!
If someone wants to be a parent they will but it may not happen how they expect.
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September 23rd, 2011 at 9:06 am
Oh how very beautiful.
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This whole post and discussion is so timely for me. I am 37 and my 5 1/2 year relationship has just ended this week. His decision. So my fertility is definitely at risk of slipping away but I am trying not to dwell on that and just come to terms with the pain of ending things with the man I adore who I thought would be with me forever. I am taking it one day at a time and trying not to be too self destructive as alcohol definitely soothes me. I think the important thing to remember is that kids and marriage are not the only route to a happy life. Others have said this here more eloquently than I and I think it is so true. Also, having kids and marriage does not necessarily guarantee happiness anyway. As my beautiful sister said “anything can happen to anyone at any time” I take that to mean count my blessings and take pleasure in small things and love what you have now.
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Great post Sarah, thanks x
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I’ve been particularly intrigued by this post Sarah! I have gone back over some of your Brene Brown post regarding vulnerability, have watched her on ted and read some of her blog. After my breif immersion into being vulnerable, I am wondering if there is room for having some plans for the future, while remaining vulnerable? Things like, saving to buy a house… I’m assuming that we plan, with complete acceptance that this plan might fail. Then I struggle with the concept of committing to something completely, while completely committing to acceptance that it may fail…
This topic is especially pertinent to me at the moment- I just quit a job that I realised I dreaded, with a big leap into the unknown…
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September 23rd, 2011 at 11:11 am
An answer from somebody who has read Brene’s book but is no authority on the topic…
I think Brene’s “living wholeheartedly” philosophy is less about what you do than how you do it. I wouldn’t let embracing vulnerability stop you from doing anything you want to do. I think Brene’s intention is to encourage you to do more, to hold back less, to share more of yourself, including shame and sadness and fear.
So with regards to saving to buy a house or any other form of planning, long term… do it! Take the leap. And along the way, be honest with yourself. About your fears and doubts and the reason for doing it in the first place. Follow your heart.
Congratulations on quitting your dreaded job… and all the best for your leap into the unknown.
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September 23rd, 2011 at 11:35 am
a-ha! It makes sense now. Will try and find a library to borrow the book from…
THANKYOU!
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September 23rd, 2011 at 10:35 pm
Great answer from Laura!
From a mother of three…I am always excited to meet women without children who have embraced life. My friends without children enjoy my children and still have the freedom to build interesting lives and careers, to travel, to leave the house without worrying about how to keep the kids safe and happy. My children have severe food allergies so being a working mum in my career of choice isn’t an option for me. I love them and will do anything and everything for them and I try to balance enjoying them and feeling grateful with dreams of what life I will design for myself once they are grown.
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September 23rd, 2011 at 6:04 pm
Jo, that’s a really generous perspective.
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Thank you for this post Sarah. I know in my heart that I want to be a mother one day, but I also know that I can’t rely upon how it happens, when and with whom. I love your “cool and open” philosophy… it takes the pressure off. I’m 22 so the idea of setting up my life to revolve around marriage and children doesn’t appeal to me, but riding the open road does.
That said, I have always been laissez-faire with my fertility and the idea of motherhood until a friend of mine lost her baby in childbirth recently and my heart broke for her. I realised that being a mother is not something to be taken for granted… it’s a gift, a miracle.
Thank you again, and all the best on your health journey. I know you’ll pick yourself up again. You’re strong like that!
Laura xx
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These posts show that everyone is going through something!
I have only 1 child and will never be able to have another.
I have litterally just come from a discussion with a co-worker who is in the same situation via different issues.
We were discussing the social pressure that we face is that people assume that because we are successfully women in our industry we have chosen to have only 1 child and therefore are selfish.
Fertility can effect us all in so many ways.
We all must adjust those goals, childhood dreams and expectations when life doesn’t run the way we planned.
I struggled. Really stuggled with this.
My Dad said it best, when trying to explain to my husband why I was so upset “this is the first time in her life that she is totally out of control, there is nothing that she can do to change this situation. It’s totally new for her” I will never forget overhearing them. It was the truth but until that moment I didn’t see it. It was time to let go. The perfectionist and control freak within had to go.
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Sarah, I love it when your writing comes straight from your heart
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Oh, my heart hurts reading this post – so I hope my story might give you hope. When I was in my early to mid 20s I was a mess. I was a workaholic, underweight woman who ironically worked in the health food industry and had studied Naturopathy. I had severe endometriosis, an enormous endometrioma in one ovary (which stopped it from working and occasionally ruptured and landed me in hospital) and the other ovary was severely polycystic. I was on constant pain medication because I was in constant pain, and I was told I couldn’t have children naturally, and the chances of me conceiving any other way were also very, very slim. At that time I was OK with that. I wasn’t ready to have children and I developed a 10 year plan to adopt a child in need, which I felt good about. I figured by then I’d be ready to have children.
When I was 25 I came very, very close to having a nervous breakdown and actually started to go a little insane I think (on reflection) as a result of prolonged sleep deprivation. I had opened my own health food shop in a high rent area and in order to not need to draw a wage from the business I was working nights in a bar (again ironically) and averaging about 2 hours sleep a night – for 9 months. Eventually I got pneumonia, and worked though it. At the end of it I realised (with counselling) that I couldn’t do it any more. I sold my business. Then I fell pregnant. Actually, I was already pregnant, I just didn’t know it yet because it certainly wasn’t something that was on my mind. I was severely underweight and weak (from the pneumonia) so when I started to put on weight I didn’t consider that I was pregnant, and I didn’t miss my periods as I hardly ever got them anyway.
I found out that I was pregnant in hospital, I’d been hospitalised with pain – which as it turns out was caused by the pain of scar tissue expanding due to the baby. I was already 3 months pregnant. When I found out my whole family found out simultaneously and were excited – so that was it. I was having a baby. After all, with the way my body was this might be my only chance. I have since been told many times that my baby was a miracle. Now she is a 7 year old little girl who is so full of life that it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest that she fought her way into this world despite the odds. That she was born healthy despite the mess I was in, the contraindicated medication I was taking for the 3 months when I didn’t know I was pregnant, as well as the vast quantities of alcohol I’d consumed during the Rugby world cup when she was just a tiny speck, because her Dad was a Rugby Union player.
I absolutely believe that I was supposed to be her Mum, that she chose me (for whatever reason) and that having her was my destiny. However I can attribute my pregnancy to only one thing. Chinese medicine. Obviously I was not trying to get pregnant, but I was undergoing intensive treatment to help my poor sorry ovaries and related organs to try and relieve the pain I was in, the stress I was under, and the hormonal quagmire I was in. Apparently the daily herbs and weekly acupuncture treatments helped a lot. Enough to enable me to fall pregnant with only one slightly functioning, horribly polycystic ovary, during the most stressful time of my life when I was recovering from pneumonia.
Anyway, I’m not sure if my story helps or makes things worse, but I hope it gives you hope. xo
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Ella – PCOS is not necessarily a set back to having kids, doctors shouldn’t be putting negative thoughts in your head so soon, there is loads of ways to beat PCOS and have a family. I have three littlies including twins thanks to assisted fertility! Don’t leave it too late but don’t get scared away just yet. Join posaa.asn.au xox
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Hi: Not being able to have a child is a heart wrenching thing. I know of a couple who struggled for years to have a child, and they ended up adopting a baby girl in Melbourne, then a boy a year later. I’m not quite sure what happened then but they had four more children of their own. I believe that it is quite common for that to happen. I’m not suggesting for one moment that you should give up trying to have a child, but do consider adopting a child. I’m told their are many children in need of good parents and family.
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Life definitely takes us on twists and turns of which we have little or no control over.
I have also struggled with my fertility and have been trying various fertility treatments. There are definitely some people out there who presume that as a woman in my 30′s I should be starting a family and are quite insensitive and intrusive with their probing questions. It’s so unfortunate some people feel things have to be a certain way. I have many friends who simply don’t want kids and I really admire them for being honest with themselves and not surrendering to external pressures.
During my time spent trying to conceive without much luck I had lots of down moments where I thought this is never going to happen. I turned a point and decided I couldn’t let this control me. I began to start thinking how I could enjoy my future without kids as that now seemed like a potential possibility. I think once I started doing that, I gave up struggling and felt more positive about just being and appreciating the beautiful things that are available to me.
Ironically, soon after surrendering to what is, I fell pregnant whilst having a break from fertility treatments. It’s still early days so I’m cautious about what will actually happen with this pregnancy, but at least I know I have it in me to adapt to what life throws at me – good, bad and ugly. There’s definitely a lot we can’t control in life, I guess the way we perceive what life throw’s at us is one thing we can control. I wish you everyone all the best!!
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September 23rd, 2011 at 3:51 pm
B don’t give up hoping. you were lucky being pregnant. Stay calm and everything will follow their way. Wish you the best
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i struggled for years to have a baby, i couldn’t. After 3 miscarriages, and other efforts, i stopped. I harmed my thyroid because of the hormones (hair loss is something small to talk about). The scarfs in heart are the worst part. It was hard for me to accept that i can’t have a baby and i had to stop because i have started playing with my health. I’m lucky to know for sure that i can’t (due to medical reasons), because the worst thing of this whole procedure is the failure of hope. That kills. Hoping and get disappointed again and again is a killer. The thing i have learned is that if you want to become a mom you can. There are so many abandonded little creatures out there, who need your love and care. I chose this road and i’m happy. There is the option of adoption, who make two and many other people happy.
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I hope I am not perceived by others as smug.
I just try to lead the best life that I can.
I do not wish to be defined solely by my womb.
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September 23rd, 2011 at 6:05 pm
Not smug at all.
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September 23rd, 2011 at 6:20 pm
Exactly, I always felt much more smug before I had my child. Being able to do whatever, whenever and watching my friends juggle. I had no idea that mothers were smug and I guess it’s all about our own perceptions and where we are in life. I sense bitterness and a lot of justifying when there does not need to be. I think if you don’t want children then good on you, who cares. But I work in gynaecology and see a lot of women around 40 thinking oh yes I’ll get pregnant in the future when my life is perfect. I just want to say to them; the future is now for you, don’t miss out on something cool. Same goes to women with men who seem to put of kids forever these days and then BAM they leave or say I don’t want kids and the women is left grappling with the prospect of not looking desperate but knowing the clock is ticking. It’s not pretty but it is reality and I just feel so pissed off for those women who’s choice is taken because modern times are different to our parents days.
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After five miscarriages, (which were the first symptoms of my AI disease) I got to the point where I couldn’t live my life wanting something that really looked like it was never going to happen – it was torturous; and damaging. So I reassessed, enrolled in a Masters and decided on a career change. I am one of seven children, and so is my husband. Our plans were to ‘go forth and multiply’ – I wasn’t overly maternal but not having kids was never really an option, so when it seemed like things weren’t going to happen the way we’d hoped, it was monumental. It can’t be underestimated.
I think everyone experiences the ‘kid thing’ in a unique way – it is intensely personal and some of the posts above suprise me, because it’s just about finding a place that you can live with, so the other parts and people in your life aren’t engulfed by your ‘non’ (non-child, non-fertility). It’s not fair to judge or criticise because we are just trying to make our own way, with something that is so much bigger than us all. Moving on, in my head, gave me a little bit of freedon, to release myself from this horrendous cycle of pregnancy, followed by loss, and followed by pregnancy, and so on.
I have two children now, so I am absolutely blessed. I’d love another one, but nothing’s happening, so am experiencing the other side of the ‘non’, it’s incredibly frustrating. Who would have thought that after seven pregnancies, it would all stop? There aren’t any answers; but I know that already having my kids means I can be more philosophical about it. So yes, be cool, or whatever it is you need to do to find a place for where you’re at, because not finding a place for it is damaging and painful and has the potential to destroy you; such is its force.
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September 23rd, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Wow.. Collette.. phenomenal post.. personal and really balanced
Thank you
Such a contentious issue and you showered it with such grace x
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Thanks for the blog on infertility it is something that hits home as I have been really struggling with the idea of having children for years. The expectations from family has been enormous and even decided to begin trying a few years go. To be honest my heart hasn’t been in it- maybe I was doing it because I thought I should be. I don’t like to talk about it to family or friends and have even felt ashamed for feeling this way. The past few weeks I have decided to stop wondering if I am making the right decision (or if its been made for me) and to just live life as I did before I felt I had to make these decisions.
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Hi,
Growing up I never really thought about having kids, there were other things that I was interested in doing. My sister was a mom and I had her kids to spoil and love. Then I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and the road to children was going to be rougher than I thought. But it didn’t really worry me until I was in my 20′s when I was then diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. Two strikes in the fertility problem. After many surgeries and drug regimens to get the Crohn’s under control, the prospect of not being on meds long enough to be healthy or to get pregnant really started to be a concern. Then during another bowel surgery they found that the Endometriosis was back, strangling my ovaries and plugging my tubes. There were also cysts needing to be removed. My doctors told me a complete hysterectomy was my only option for my health.
It was a depressing thought but I went through with it.
My illness has kept me from working for years and I tell myself that if I had kids they would be robbed by how sick I am and I wouldn’t be able to give them everything they need. In my heart and mind I know this is not true, but if I dwell on it for too long it pains me way too much.
Years later I realize that I made the wrong choice and would have done anything to have a child.
If the desire is there to be a Mom, I would tell anyone not to give up, ever.
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Interesting post especially the comments about being out of control and the need to live up to expectations. We all need to take a stand back and question our thoughts and feelings and why it is upsetting us so much that we cannot live up to our own high expectations that others help us to create.
Go the herbs sarah, you hit the nail on the head when you said it’s about taking the perfectionist thoughts away and nourishing ur body , you can still do all the things you want to do, but with ease. I know from experience with my own thyroid condition. Herbs rock!
We know whats best for us, the truth is inside
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HI Sarah,
Thanks for this post. I love your perspective on things.
I have only just started to see to a chinese medicine doctor regarding my fertility issues which has been my first step in working this out. She was very helpful and positive but told me I needed to do something about it “now”. I am 31 and to me the idea of life without children is quite upsetting. I have started taking the chinese medicine and believe in positive thinking so hopefully it will work out for me.
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It’s sad when I read this and I see a lot of people judging – we get judged for being a mother, not being a mother, the age we are, the path we choose to follow …. I speak as one who is 34 and still doesn’t know what will happen, perhaps being too greedy with all life has to offer! But, at the end of the day, we must respect the decisions we make and those that others make, whether they are ones we understand or not.
The one answer does not suit everyone.
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Beautiful and personal writing, as always, Sarah.
I have come to terms with infertility in the last few years. I have no nieces or nephews and friends with children have largely disappeared. It sucks to wonder what’s to come, because having children, as hard as I’m sure it is, gives you purpose. So now I have to find purpose and I recently discovered that you can’t find it with a Google search. I know I have so many options, so much possibility, but it’s hard not to constantly compare all these possibilities to being a mother, a parent, watching what your kid might be and how they deal with it all. I mean, how can anything compare to that? So what happens next?
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At 34, I feel like my fertility is getting away from me.
When I was about 19, my best friend at the time (who was told she’d never have kids), became pregnant. Around the same time my periods (which had always been 28 day regluar) stopped. I thought at the time that that was a karmic fair trade (my periods for her pregancy). I guess that illustrates how little insight I had about my health and how I valued others’ before myself (even if the two things had nothing actually to do with eachother.
I neglected my health for years… My body was crying out for me to look after it properly. My periods went from nothing to almost continual and I became anaemic due to blood loss. This in turn helped to trigger panic attacks which then quickly manifested into an anxiety disorder. Sadly, it still wasn’t for years that that I was (by accident) diagnosed with PCOS.
So now I have been married for 5 years and have had 5 years of questions, inquisitions and subtle guilt thrown at me as to when are my husband and I going to have kids. The thing is, I have always thought that I would have kids. I dreamed about having two little girls when I was younger. I love kids and being the youngest of 3 siblings, have been a great aunt. But I still have issues with my physical and mental health and I really don’t want to jeopardise either in order to get pregant. I don’t think that is fair to my husband, prospective child or myself. I have looked at both adopting and fostering options but am not sure if I am ready to be emotionally put through the wringer when the possibility of being rejected is high as a result of my health.
So I’m slowly coming to the possibility that I won’t have kids of my own although I’ll remain focussed on my health, try to nourish my body more than neglect it and stay open to the possibility than anything can and may happen.
I wish everyone the best of life and the best of health
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In discussions about this topic I continually read/hear comments lamenting how badly friends and family react. That seems to be a major factor in how people facing fertility issues react. I think we all need to liberate ourselves from what other people say and do. Because ultimately, it doesn’t, and shouldn’t matter. It’s a tough enough burden to deal with, without letting others in. Think of drawing a big pink bubble around yourself and visualise other people’s comments bouncing off of it.
Alternatively, don’t be afraid to shut down the conversation with: “actually, I wasn’t asking for advice”, or “it’s personal so I’d rather not discuss it at the dinner table”, or my personal favourite favourite, “so let’s change the subject. Did I tell you about how I met the King of Bhutan?”
(And yes, I actually DID. See … it works!)
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Sarah,
I’ve been meaning to pass this info along to you for quite some time. I have been actively seeking to recover from adrenal burnout for the past 4 yrs. Tried everything w/out much improvement until I happened upon this article (link 1) and started working w/ Theresa Vernon, (link 2). This gal really, really knows her stuff and has helped endless people truly recover from these kinds of issues. She does consult via phone so you can work w/ her wherever you are. Anyways, do w/ this as you like, can’t recommend her highly enough. Best wishes on lasting recovery!
Maria
link 1: http://www.westonaprice.org/mentalemotional-health/metals-and-the-mind
link 2: http://www.tvernonlac.com/
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I’m a little late to this discussion, but still thought I’d share my views. As a happily married, 40 year old woman without children, I can barely express the distress I feel when people tell me I won’t be a real woman until I have a child of my own. Yes, in 2011, this attitude still exists.
“Children change you… You become less selfish”, virtual strangers opine. I can tell they want to ask if I have fertility problems, because surely that would be the only reason why I haven’t yet procreated. The truth is, even at my age, I just don’t know if I want kids. I was late doing many things in life… Late to move out of home, late to date, late to discover a career I loved & wanted (as opposed to the one I worked at for decades)! I feel 10 years younger emotionally than my actual age.
Is it so wrong to choose NOT to have a child, because you’re not sure IF you want one… I though that was a sign of maturity, clarity & thoughtful decision-making. Yet, society tells me it’s a sign of an abrasive, selfish B****. That makes me sad.
PS: hope you’re on the up, Sarah
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I’m a little late to this discussion too, but wanted to add my thoughts and thumbs up for those women who have, because of either circumstance or choice, or a combination of both, NOT taken an assumed path towards motherhood. Whether you have chosen to have a child before that ‘perfect man’ comes along; embraced a life which does not involve giving birth yourself; or are simply remaining open to what may or may not eventuate, the fact that you have had to go through all of this consciously – as opposed to following an assumed evolutionary pathway (find the best father, bare child, pass genes on) – is likely to have made you a far more interesting, richer person (and more appealing woman in my eyes too).
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So timely this discussion. I’m off to Sydney tomorrow for a visit on Thursday to my gyno-oncologist who will probably tell me I have to have a hysterectomy soon, after having more cancer found in my uterus recently. Only just got married 2 years ago and have been dealing with this cancer on and off since then. Now it looks like crunch time, hysterectomy time.
Dealing with the no-kids issue has been awful but I think, finally, I’m coming to accept it. It’s about re-writing what I thought was a certain future in life, and trying to find a meaning to life other than raising kids. It’s even about re-thinking house renovations, mundane things like stuff we use in the kitchen. It’s also about stopping my habit of gazing longingly at the beautiful school I was going to send children to. Getting out of the habit of thinking up baby names and general parenting things. Just yesterday I thought of all the stuff I have kept during my life to pass on to my children.. might do a big chuck-out of these things when I get back from Sydney I think.
But yes, I’ve only just hit on the idea of finding other childless women, to find inspiring role models. Also couples who are childless and how they’ve enriched their marriages in other ways. Travel. Study. Getting a dog. And probably a zillion other things that I’ve yet to find out.
The one thing I’ve been praying for has been to find peace with whatever the result is. I think I’m on my way to it. My husband is not there yet.
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Fiona, you are so brave and strong. I’m sure your husband just needs more time. I’m not great with words and while I don’t know why things happen they way to do sometimes, I’m sure there is still a special path for you in life. Sending you love & peace.
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This post was really, really hard for me to read. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over two years and I’ve had kids on the brain since I met my husband. A part of me feels like being a mom is something that I am just meant to do and the fact that it’s taking so long and seeing it be so easy for so many other people, it’s hard to sit and believe that it’s going to happen.
And then I read this.
This made me face the reality that I may never have kids. No matter how much I feel like having kids is what I am meant to do, I can’t honestly know what life has in store for me, and this is a very difficult, emotional thing to admit and then actually process. But, in a way, I’m glad that I have this perspective.
I’ve read this a few times before I actually got up the guts to comment, and each time I read it, tears are streaming down my face. It’s hard to step back and admit that you don’t have a clue where you’re life is going to take you, and it hurts a lot when you’ve had your heart set on something for so long, but I am still so hopeful that what is meant to happen will happen.
Thank you.
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My advice to anyone that is waiting to have children until the ‘right time’ is: Dont Wait. I waited until the end of my 20′s and had been married for 7 years for the right time and now my husband is fighting a rare auto-immune disease that has a 75-80% death rate and is likely to be sterile even if he survives it. What was I waiting for? If you want kids bad enough, make it happen when you can and prioritise. Your career will be there longer than your fertility.
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Fantastic points altogether, you simply received a new reader. What could you suggest in regards to your put up that you just made some days in the past? Any certain?
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Sarah, I just wanted to say thank you again for this article. I have been re-reading it a lot today to get me through a particular crisis. While I have always been ok with my physical infertility, recently my ill health has been weighing me down and threatening another kind of “baby,” one of the non child-related passions in my life. Turns out this post contains beautiful advice that applies to many situations.
Thank you for your knowing, your understanding, your wisdom far beyond the years of a 30-something woman… and the eloquence needed to speak this particular truth in a most palatable way. Much love to you, and everyone above in less than desirable situations.
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