Sometimes you have to hand things over to the bigger picture. You have to do this when you just don’t know anymore.
photo by Toby Burrows
I have an “issue” just now. I won’t detail, as it’s…too detailed. There are a clusterf*ck of ideas, options, angles, directions attached to solving this issue and I’m stuck in it all. This happens to me a lot. I scan all options weighing them all up, and the net result, in the wash, after everything has been considered is…nothing. Imagine you have 234729375 strings attached to your person, each being pulled outward at even tension. The result? You don’t move. Ergo, nothing.
When this happens, I stop thinking. I can’t logically process….anything.
I just don’t know anymore.
I descend into this numb-but-frantic space where – and this is the worst bit – I attract even worse clusterf*ckness and nothingness. Everything in my life ceases to work. How about a small insight into what I mean: to get ahead on 1/23948737th of my “issue”, I need the approval of a particular person. It’s taken weeks to work out that this person is the one who needs to sign off on this bit of my issue. I finally find them. Contact them. And, lo, they’ve just last week had a heart attack and, tragically, are currently in a coma in hospital. It’s no laughing matter, but it’s definitely absurd. This is one example of many instances where my stuckness has beget stuckness.
There are reasons for the stuckness. When we make too many decisions (and every angle, direction considered is a decision) we wear out our decision-making muscle. We get too tired to decide. That there, folks is the paradox of choice.
But, also, we just get too damn serious. We lose our playfulness.
And life is playful. It responds well to a playful attitude.
And so it was that yesterday I came across this wisdom plucked from a little book Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, a collection of agony aunt columns by one Dear Sugar, whose real name is wonderfully Cheryl Strayed (I personally think her real name is better than the plume).
When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t ‘mean anything’ because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.
The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.
I adore this. “Just laugh and kiss him back”. Where does all this fit in with my stuckness? It reminds me that it’s OK not to know anymore. I don’t know where my pfaffing will take me. I don’t know my way out of my indecision. I just don’t know. But, like a shitty waitressing job, it will take me somewhere. My shitty waitressing jobs certainly did (they led to dating the chef – my best relationship ever – and becoming a food writer).
The trick? The take-home before you get onto your work emails this morning?
Laugh when you get stuck and get playful.
Say to yourself, let’s see where this winds up. Let’s see how absurd it can get, how many signs I can get. Let’s see how loud and ridiculous the signs can get.
Let’s see what story will unfold. Write it down. Refer back to it to view the story with hindsight.
Let’s have a break from things and take our hands off the steering wheel. Let’s do something brash and nihilistic and playful instead. To this end: I’ve deleted all emails back and forth pertaining to my issue. I’ve crossed out my “to-dos” pertaining to my issue. Let’s see what unfolds….
Laugh and kiss life back. Yeah! This ever worked for you?
Sounds like Mercury Retrograde has got hold of you! if you don’t mind blaming a planet that is!
I have learnt (am learning!) the laugh and kiss life back technique, which I refer to as ‘Surrendering’, taking my life by the hand, because after all things are going to happen anyway regardless of us, so we may as well step into our flow and see what happens/let things happen <3
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Loved this post Sarah. I just yesterday bought the book you quoted from. It’s terriffic advice. I may just tae it! Good luck with your issue. x
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Sarah, thanks for this vulnerable post. Standing alongside you … Sometimes we need to let go, don’t we, and allow the mystery to resolve itself. Love that “Just laugh and kiss him back” attitude you’re taking
Hang in there.
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I LOVE IT!! TAKING THIS AS A SIGN TO CHANGE MY APPROACH!!!! xxxxx THANK U XXXX
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March 6th, 2013 at 10:25 am
Love signs. Glad I could give you one. x
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I am doing very similar at the moment Sarah. I finished some uninspiring contract work a month ago and have come to the realisation that I really need to have a major career change. Problem is not sure what that other career is yet! Know what I don’t want, but not so sure exactly what I want. But instead of fretting I’m just letting myself see what happens. Okay – sometimes some panic about $ and explaining this to others sets in, but I’m trying to just “see what happens”. And look what happens – your blog comes along to help keep me calm. So thanks. Sometime the best adventures don’t have a map.
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March 9th, 2013 at 2:03 pm
Hi Sarah, just joined today and love your writing. Kirsty, I know exactly what you’re going through. Have had some major life changes in the past couple of years and I’ve lost sight of the question let alone try and work out the answer. Like you, I’m ready for a change and have no clue of what I really want to do. I’ve been slowly coming to this very realisation too – to let go – explore other options – stop thinking so hard. I’ve been feeling guilty and wasn’t sure whether I was just giving up or being lazy or what! After reading your blog, Sarah I think I’m doin’ ok. Thanks.
-
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I suspect that part of the problem is that we just have way to many options and potential pathways available to us these days… hence too many decisions. I’m sure my grandmothers didn’t have this issues of unfathomably complicated issues. Life was simpler because they knew what their role in life was and just got on and did it (and continued to do it). Where they happier? Quite possibly. Anyway, just my little theory…
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March 6th, 2013 at 9:06 pm
Hi Amber,
Couldn’t agree more. Think you might just be onto something with your theory…
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March 6th, 2013 at 9:59 pm
I am sure you are right.
At the same time… I find it hard to get nostalgic for the days where women were second class citizens. I am sure my grandmother (who was only educated until age 11, because she “didn’t need an education to cook tea or change nappies”) would have enjoyed it, because she is a gentle soul who truly loves to make people happy. But the kind of subservience that was required of women back then would have driven me nuts. I couldn’t do it, let alone do it with a 1950s-esque Good Wives Guide smile on my face.
My life might be a shitstorm of complication right now, but it’s MY cosy little shitstorm. No man controls it or even gets a passing opinion on it, and it bears zero resemblance to Housekeeping Monthly. That’s something, no?
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March 8th, 2013 at 9:11 am
Very true Mia! I absolutely do like having choices. I guess we just need to work out how to manage it all in a sane way!
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March 8th, 2013 at 3:28 pm
I think that’s the way. Although I’ll be buggered if I know how to do it, I find it so hard to be light-hearted and playful when it’s so easy to be paralysed by choices, and fear missing out should you make the wrong one.
I loved this post! Yes, I am reading before I open my work emails, and yes, it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Thanks to you and to Cheryl Strayed!
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Ohhhh and now I want ALL the details
Hope the person is hospital ends up okay.
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Thank you – I am in a similar position right now as are many people around me. All the best x
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When I am at cross roads in life and have decisions to make I look at opportunities that will be created out of making the decisions rather than looking at the limitations in the outcome. We like to be in control and it is good to “take our hands of the steering wheel” for awhile as you put it and stand back from situations and see what develops. It must be great to use your love of food and creative talent and training to inspire people to improve their general health and find ways to make eating healty food fun! Am loving using your IQS cookbook with so many delicious recipes that make quitting sugar definitely achievable!
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I feel lighter and more playful already! Just laugh and kiss him back could become my new motto x
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I was experiencing something similar last night. Everything started screwing up in a live recording I was doing, even after double and triple checking that everything was okay. You have to laugh, there is nothing else you can do and in the end it all turned out okay..it always does.
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Gorgeous post, and so true. It’s hard to surrender, but I often find when you do, things begin to flow again. It’s frustrating , but we have to collectively release our grip.
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I discovered this book yesterday too! And when I read that section, I felt shivers down my spine. I spend a lot of time holding on too tight. At times when I’ve become aware of it, I’ve actually felt my shoulders and arms and neck release after days of being in a knot of angst.
I think we’re all a little guilty of trying to manoeuvre our lives in certain directions; control the outcome. And this book is a poignant reminder that there’s no need to hold on so tight. Because it all works out in the end, just as it was always meant to.
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It all comes down to control, doesn’t it? The more we admit we are not in control and in fact vulnerable to a chaotic universe, the more free we are.
Epictetus of the ancient Stoic philosophers believed that all outside events are controlled by Fate, and the only thing we really have control over is our own actions. So you should let go of any deluded ideas that you can control Fate because wasting energy trying to control what is out of our grasp can only lead to suffering. In order to be happy in life one should accept the world as it is, and focus on helping our fellow men and being good people. I’ve always liked this.
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March 6th, 2013 at 3:01 pm
and doesn’t it go against what we “learn”.
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March 9th, 2013 at 4:39 pm
I’m starting to think that’s what this growing up business is all about… un-learning.
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March 11th, 2013 at 10:46 am
yoga
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I cant help but wonder though…do we create these signs ourselves?! x
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March 6th, 2013 at 3:01 pm
I think we invite them. Or are open to them and so notice them more readily.
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Reminded me of this ..
“He who binds to himself a joy Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies Lives in eternity’s sun rise.”
William Blake
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I’ve recently become a fan of the “throw everything up in the air and see where it all lands.. and what breaks” school of thought.
Letting go of the reigns, stepping back and actually going a little *good* crazy has its perks.
But you wont know until you let go.
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Beautiful post Sarah. I really “get” that crossroads paralysis you are experiencing… but it’s ok, because “the useless days will add up to something”. I love that.
Your playful mantra reminds of my favourite poem. I reread it all the time, it really helps.
Laura x
The Laughing Heart
by Charles Bukowski
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
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March 6th, 2013 at 6:20 pm
One of my favourite poems. I like it even better when Tom Waits reads it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhM-Dm2PHHo
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LOVE Cheryl Strayed. I read her novel Wild recently. My mum bought it and then I read it then my sister read it. She’s a phenomenal woman. Really excited to read Dear Sugar. It keeps popping up on Brain Pickings.
I think having a sense of humour about life and work helps a lot. You can’t control even the best laid plans, and I’m just learning to roll with it, because that’s all you can do. More and more now when receiving annoying news I just swear a bit and then laugh. All you can do is control how you respond to stuff, right?
Anyways you’re an innovator so what are you worried about? Think of it as a blessing and move on to your next idea
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Thankyou Sarah, this is such a good post. Im in a situation at the moment where I dont know what to do and feel like im totally lost and alone. Then i come on here and there are so many people in a similar place. Who ever thought the internet would bring us all together?! Ill take this as a sign.
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I found the dear sugar blogs a few years back when i was in a very bad place and they helped me immensely. Her writing is beautiful and the advice is mostly empathetic, realistic and touching.
I’m glad that you found the Book Sarah, it holds the same content as the blog I think, possibly with some extras.
I also love these posts, Its great to be reminded that we all get stuck sometimes. I’ve been focusing on the fact that issues just happen and its not personal it just is. Then i can focus on the next steps to work through it. Small steps
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Thank you Sarah, i really needed this… I’m currently stuck, torn by too many decisions i have to make and feel like i’m going nowhere, i’ve been so stresses out about the whole situation but you’ve just reminded me to stop and have fun. Life will work itself out, time for me to step back and play!
Thanks Han xx
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“and the net result, in the wash, after everything has been considered is…nothing”
I feel like/do this all the time!! It drives my mum and boyfriend (and myself) crazy!!
Thanks for this Sarah I really needed to read this
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Ahhh perfect reading for today. Yes let’s get playful! Serious Hat is in the bin. Hope the unfoldment is swift as a result of the letting go!
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Thanks Sarah. A good reminder sometimes we all need to be open and just let things “be” so they can unfold in their own way. So many great wisdoms from ‘Sugar’ in that book-I read it on the way to Portugal last year (for a few days walking in the Douro Valley) and absolutely loved it. Laughter, tears, anguish-and many more emotions-experienced during that read. Have Cheryl’s memoir “Wild” next on the reading list.
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I love that the inspiring words of wisdom are from (using a play on words) your nemesis Dear ‘Sugar’
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Another way of looking at it is that you were devoting too much of your time and energy to the issue – thus giving it life and power. I love you deleting the emails – something I would have a big struggle with doing – as it is (hopefully) switching off the power it was feeding on to “stay alive” in your sphere. Well done.
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Hi Sarah
. I did apologise to Jo and say to her I felt some embarrasment with that greeting and she said that’s just the way I am and she accepted that but I refain from that greeting now. Your delimna of too much info incoming for a decision to be outgoing is a great share, I normally find that I have too little info and need to apply research and generate data to help with the (right) sic, decision. I thought that we sometimes choose to volunteer ourselves to our friend, the public and organisations as I do with the orange people around the coast when the weather turns nasty. What drives us to turn up, get tasks, complete them and move on?. Is it the joy of temwork or that unspellable ultuism (doing our best for that inner reward), I find that in desparation unfortunately I ask for some divine help as opposed to uncrossing the stars but no harm intended to readers. Works for me, thanks for the chat
Good to see you found some soliace with Cheryl, I choose to greet the other gender the Mexican way and get feedback for better or worse. What’s that about, am I estute enough to pick them off or quick enough to seize the moment LOL
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Thank you, Sarah, for your honesty! Respect!
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Oh yes, I know this one! I have just spent a year fretting and trying to control a situation that ultimately had to play out in its own time. When timing was right everything plopped into place with such ridiculous ease, I had to laugh. I actually know when this is happening nowadays, I recognise & feel it. It has a kind frenzied controlling quality about it and sometimes I can let it go and sometimes I indulge in it. And acknowledge that is what I am doing and that’s ok. And Sarah, I love that post a while back about your mag colleague who explained her simple decision making process – that’s stuck with me. Just making sure you haven’t forgotton that one! x
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I totally hear you, I have just been shouting “I am so confused, I don’t know!!” This is the perfect reminder to relax and have fun with something that should be exciting.
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This post just did wonders for me. Learning to laugh and let go is about the best advice in any given situation where there just seems to be nothing else left to be done.
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Oh Sarah,
tears in my eyes when I read this post, not sure if they’re tears of joy or sadness or relief that someone else, maybe many someone else’s go through these things also.
In life right now if we don’t know the answer to something or the ‘why’ we google, search, read till we’re sure we have the answer (or answers) or at least some definite…such control we have over the tangible.
When it comes to certain things; a risk, a venture or love (the real things that matter)…. maybe there is no knowing….There is only keeping on and kissing on and laughing (or crying) all the while!!!
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Absolutely agree! The “letting go” is the discipline that empowers us. We must let go in trust. We don’t let go thinking…if I let go then something will happen, something will intervene and my issue will be sorted…no, we let go in trust, because something may not happen and if it doesn’t, the nothingness is exactly what we are meant to receive. Letting go releases us of the burden of hanging on, wondering, pondering, deciding, worrying, debating; try it and keep trying it until you are good at it. It really is the simplest and most effective way to go…and it can be fun!
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One of my all-time favourite books!
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I learnt years ago that “life” throws issues/things in your path to make you learn. There is no point stressing the issue/thing, just figure out the lesson you are meant to take from the experience, say ‘thanks’ and move on.
That being said my mantra for the past two years has become “Not my problem” as in if there is nothing I can do about a situation or there are other people causing problems, I just roll out my mantra and step away. I think I am somewhat saner, although maybe I am just crazier than usual and haven’t noticed yet!!!!!
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I agree – it’s not supposed to be THAT hard. If it is, it’s time to let go. Maybe it’s not meant to happen. I pass the problem on to my subconscious before I go to bed. Nine times out of ten, I wake up at three a.m. with the solution.
I have just been reading a lovely book with my seven year old daughter. The Worry Tree by Marianne Musgrove, an Australian woman. The tree is painted on a bedroom wall and has animals in it. Each animal has a particular job. One looks after problems with friends, another with problems with school, another with lost things, etc. My daughter loves it as she can park her problems in the tree for the night and, after a few days, the problems seem to resolve or become less important.
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Love this post. Needed it just now. Think I’ll go and get that book today
Thanks for writing it.
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ah yes. the paradox of choice is talked about in training on retail. Never give a customer a smell of more than 3 fragrances. Never show them more than four fabric swatches… and yet, in modern day life, we are surrounded with infinate choice. love the strategy too. bet it’ll work. whenever faced with such a thing, I plunge myself into the sea or do a really hot citrus oil steam inhalation. Bringing it back to body, takes pressure away from the mind x
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LOVE THIS!!!
I’ve been in such a rut for too long. Wading through muck and unable to see the end of it. Oh this post makes me feel so much better and so inspired. I see the light!!!
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Long time listener, first time caller here.
This post is the kind of stuff that resonates deep within me Sarah. This is the stuff that inspires me to write, to live, to read, to laugh – honestly, you are an absolute Godsend.
I’ve been very, very stuck for a few months now and this attitude of laughing at all the fuckups, decisions, waiting games, chaos – is the only way I’m still standing. My belly hurts from laughing so much!
Thank you.
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I so like your style of writing Sarah! It makes me smile & laugh which God only knows, I need. And just like that, after reading your post, I feel lighter. And all the shit going on in my life, I can see now as a crazy, absurd, ridiculous adventure! And that makes me smile.
Thank. You.
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The articulation of the dilemmas faced in this modern age by Sarah is commendable due to the honesty displayed which is probably the true value of this site. It seems that we are navigating a multi dimensional existence with only the senses of one dimension overseen by an imperfect mind, thus we face invisible blocks to what we wish to acheive with the mind as our spearhead. The various spiritual traditions (although all incomplete in themselves) have the common ground of encouraging the access to our deeper Being or Self to overcome these challenges of life.’Laugh and kiss life back’ is a good way of acknowledging the limitations of the mind and accessing a better vibration. Part of the bigger dilemma we humans face is that in the modern age we threw away a lot of values of these spiritual traditions in the name of liberation, yet most people remain unliberated, restricted, as we try to experience wider and deeper lives. There’s a lot of reinventing of the wheel going on or more positively, perhaps a reconstructing of a better life combining the old with the new towards a better society. I hope that wins out.
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Pfaffing … I love that word. A good friend of mine uses it and I think of her everytime I am pfaffing – which is often. Wheels spinning from indecision. And I think much is due to there being too many choices, way too much information bombarding us everywhere we turn. It may be too late for me, but for our two young daughters we are trying to hold them back from the internet and emails. When we were their age, all we had was the much revered, super dooper set of World Book Encyclopedia that Mum bought off the travelling salesman. The answers to life (and every school assignment) were found within those beautiful brown and beige covers. And it was all we needed. I tell my daughters that we are giving them A GIFT – a gift that only has one chance of ever being given. The priceless gift of a time free of the stresses of too much information.
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Thanks for this. Beautiful quote by Cheryl Strayed.
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hey sarah, i sure do have experience with this, and have ”karma” tattooed above my heart
if you really believe in karma, or that the universe will deliver what you need when you need it, or that there are no accidents, or everything happens for a reason, then what is left to worry about?
When i’ve been inside my head too much, my world and thoughts starting to spin and make me dizzy, like you i learnt to just let them go, and know what will be will be
Instantly i feel relief, and relax, and get back to doing what i like to do best
Smile & wave, as my ship is taken by the currents & winds of life, and i find out where im meant to be when i get there
Dan
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Sarah,
I think you are amazing, and this post has just made that opinion even more cemented into me. I look at you on The morning Show panel and think how intelligent you are and used to religiously read Cosmo while you were editor. Discovering your blog has made me love you even more and I see you as one of my biggest role models in life. Why? Because you aren’t afraid to be raw. To be transparent and truly honest. It is so great to see someone with such a successful career and way of life say “hey, sometimes I fret about things too, it’s a part of life”. Your advice is so helpful and it’s so wonderful to see such a strong and fearless woman be open and remind us that everyone is human.
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