I have a trick I use to deal with my anxiety that you might like to know about.
Image by Carlos Gotay
But first, some clarification. My brand of anxiety comes with the tagline: The Great Lurch Forward. My nervousness is very much tied to my being in a permanent state of forward flight. Not fright. Just the flight bit. I don’t really get frightened.
(I know I talk about my anxiety a lot. Especially lately. But it’s a theme for now. And I write about my current themes, as they emerge. Apologies to those of you who don’t get anxious.)
I tend to breathlessly lunge into the future with every cell during most moments of my days. I think those of you who tend to have your anxiety tied to fright (as opposed to flight) are more tied to the past. Just an idea (I’d love your thoughts). Either way, we both know peace is in the present. Right?
When I wake at 4am, instead of going back to sleep, my mind races to what I need to do that day. I just want to get up and started. When I meditate I think about breakfast. When I’m eating breakfast, I’m thinking of my first email for the day. I’m always prepared. But never present.
My gorgeous friend Poh said to me over dinner on the weekend that I’m “always fleeing”. “You are sitting here, at the ready, about to flee to something else, away, onwards,” she said. “You need to get heavy.” Blokes have said the same thing to me in regards to my apparent “unapproachability”. One guy put it to me that I always seem on my way to somewhere else. “It’s too intimidating to approach someone who might dart off on you,” he said. Which is just a terrible thing to make men feel.
I have, however, dedicated my life to finding ways to tame my anxiety. I’m trying to mend my ways. Truly. I’m trying to turn down the volume. That’s all I ask for: a watered down version of my current state of permanent panic. How do I do this?
Well. My anxiety is a habit now. At 39, it’s not longer linked to external stimuli, like public speaking. It definitely a habit at a cellular level. You can’t reverse a habit. Our brains don’t work that way. Instead we can build up a counter habit (being calm) until that overtakes the bad habit (the anxiety). This takes practice.
I have to practice placing me body in a de-excited state as often as possible so it gets used to a more present way of being. From there I introduce triggers that would normally see me lurch into the future, but instead I get heavy and present and cool with just sitting with the trigger. This is the premise of NLP and ACT therapies.
One practice and trigger combo: driving. I’ve been doing this for a while. I drive smoothly and slowly to tame my anxiety. Driving is a forward-lurching trigger, so it’s a great forum for practicing.
- I turn on ABC Classical FM. This is a good backing track for driving.
- I put two hands calmly on my steering wheel.
- I smile. Because just smiling helps to calm anxiety.
- And sometimes I even practice extending my heart out to the people I see waiting at the lights next to me. To not find them light-jumping irritants (a particularly tough element of my challenge!).
At the Conscious Club event I did the other night a Western Australia Government campaign to get people to slow their driving was screened. (PS. The video of my chat will be up on my blog once it’s edited.)
It’s a phenomenally amazing clip, even leaving aside it’s key message. It was clearly directed and written by a yogi. I like this line, in particular:
Treat your vehicle as a sanctuary. Shut your door on the world of speed.
I’m not sure if it’s just me, but it really struck a chord. It makes so much sense. Driving can be a pleasure. You can use it to practice presence. You can do things differently and buck the trigger.
A damn side more convincing than that dumb little finger wag campaign we had in NSW, hey?
I so feel you on this. I quit my job almost a year ago, and crashed bigtime. My already precarious health took a nose dive. Everything flared – IBS, chronic fatigue, chronic pain/fibro, adrenal fatigue, hormonal problems. I felt in a state of sickness and near panic for about the first 6 months after quitting. But finally things started to calm… my mind and body finally released. And I can maintain that calm now, until any stress comes my way and suddenly I’m spinning again.
Thanks to being able to take this break to try and recuperate, I’ve realized how crazy stressed I’d been in my job, before that in university, before that living in a family situation that felt “unsafe”. Anxiety and the readiness to flee was certainly deeply ingrained in a very physiological way. It’s a lifelong habit that is very difficult to break.
But I’ve been learning some extremely interesting things about overactive amygdala (the part of the brain that deals with fight or flight), hypersensitivity, attachment theory, somatic illness, and all my chronic health issues, and for the first time ever am starting to see the ties between all the physical and emotional issues. Very real physical problems that have complex roots – viruses, hormones, emotions, inflammation…
It’s a very hard shift to make, but I have faith that if I am persistent enough and patient enough, that the physiological changes will (very slowly) follow these realizations. I hope the same for you!
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March 20th, 2013 at 3:36 pm
You sound exactly like me! Have you looked into getting yourself testing for fructose and lactose malabsorption as this is likely to have a big impact on your ibs. I think cutting out sugars – like Sarah’s written a whole book on – can really help stabilise your energy levels and do amazing things for your mood and overall health as well. All the best. I hope things start looking up for you soon!
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March 21st, 2013 at 9:21 am
Thanks Joey! I’ve had a lot of crazy testing done (most aren’t available easily in Canada and I’ve had to pay out of pocket and send away to the US), but I haven’t done this one specifically. That said, I’ve been sticking to a fairly low sugar, low fructose diet, and have been completely off dairy for about 12 years now (it makes me very ill), so I’m not sure it’d be worth the money since there’s not much more to cut out! I’m working with an integrative/functional medicine doctor now, so am doing a slough of things and hopefully will slowly see some improvement!
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March 22nd, 2013 at 3:37 pm
Hi Kelly,
I totally resonate with what you are saying re. the over-active amygdala and feeling stuck in the fight,flight thing. You said you have been learning some interesting things about that lately. Do you have any links you can send me, or books you could recommend? I totally believe there is a strong link between the emotional/psycological and physical illness. I have hypo-thyroid as well as ulcerative colitis (both auto-immune), an anxiety disorder and I can’t sleep at night. I had a super traumatic upbringing and have a hugely stressful life at present. If there is any information you have come across that has helped you that you could pass on to me, I would be deeply appreciative.
All the best to you in your journey!
Haidalyn
March 22nd, 2013 at 3:39 pm
Hi Ariane…
Do you have any specific info you could pass on? Re. websites, books etc?
Thanks so much.
Haidalyn
I absolutely loved that Slow Down driving campaign and shared it far and wide when it first came out. It struck a chord with me because I hate driving and consider it such a waste of time, so when I do it, I am on high alert for anyone stopping me getting from A to B in the most efficient way possible!
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i think it’s great to have an awareness of the behaviours we have that don’t serve us, not to mention ways in which to work on it.
sooooo many people are in the dark about that stuff and even when they know, they don’t know how to fix it (or don’t want to do the work) …. so i think we can comfort ourselves by acknowledging when we could be better versions of ourselves, and not spend time beating ourselves up over it prolonging any negativity (which i am working on!!).
i love this suggestion of trigger practicing, and the car is a perfect one for me too! i go a step further and turn OFF the radio when i feel stressed or in a hurry, as it brings me more into the present moment and fewer distractions. failing that, i hum, chant and sing, all brilliant ways to become present and aware and usually in a better frame of mind!
good luck and well done!
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I always tune in to ABC classical when I’m at work, am stressed, and need to calm down. It does wonders. x
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March 20th, 2013 at 11:10 am
Me too! It reminds me of my childhood, my Dad always listens to it.
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March 20th, 2013 at 11:16 am
Emma Ayres 6am-9am is beautiful, funny, creative, uplifting and very knowledgeable (understatement!)
I also like Keys to Music on Saturdays 9am and the stories guests tell on M Throsby show daily …
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March 22nd, 2013 at 4:01 pm
i LOVE Emma Ayres, wake up to her every morning. Classic drive is sensational too… which reminds me, it’s 4pm… !
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March 25th, 2013 at 11:34 pm
I’ve secretly listened to ABC Classic FM for years — and thought I was the only one! Love the community you’re creating here Sarah.
I totally agree that anxiety becomes a habit, it becomes your brains default response. I don’t suffer from flight or fight but freeze, my brain just gets stuck, it makes staying on track and completing tasks near impossible.
I started neuro-feedback therapy last year and it helped me get through uni, something I didn’t think I would be able to do. It addresses inconsistencies in brainwave activity and has improved my ability to focus and concentrate. I still get stuck but it’s frequency and duration has decreased.
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March 23rd, 2013 at 11:11 am
Hi Liv, I am exactly the same. Whenever I am confronted with something I don’t know how to deal with, or is outside my comfort zone, my brain just shuts down. It’s a very new realisation for me, though I think it’s something that has been part of my psyche my whole life. I am still learning how to take notice of it, let alone deal with it, but it’s becoming apparent that it may have a lot to do with my “mystery” illness that I have been suffering with the last two years.
Thanks Sarah for writing about anxiety, I now know it’s not just a character flaw but a real thing with real ramifications, but better yet, real solutions!
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March 23rd, 2013 at 2:40 pm
Hi Jo, looking back I now know that I’ve had issues with anxiety the whole time I’ve had CFS/Fibro/IBS but it took much much longer to realise and accept – being undiagnosed for many years didn’t help either. I think we’re much kinder to ourselves when there is something physically wrong with us, I could read all the signs my body was giving me when I was doing too much and needed to slow down or had eaten the wrong thing but when my brain would get stuck I would just push myself harder (which would make things worse), seeing my inability to get things done as incompetence. Now I know that getting stuck is just another sign I need to back off a bit, the worse the anxiety gets, the worse the CFS/Fibro/IBS and vice versa!
Hope you get some answers soon, best of luck.
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I have never really thought of my constant planning and striving as anxiety, but it makes total sense to me now you have explained it! It was actually the first thing an iridologist picked up in a consultation I had recently – that I am hard on myself, and that I feel a constant pressure to do more and succeed. Thanks for the timely reminder so slow things down a bit!
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thank you for this post Sarah
I sit here anxiously awaiting some information…..it should come through soon. The whole morning I just couldn’t relax so I slowly drove around the streets….purposely moving about with no real objective.
I too have can relate to what you are saying – I have been rightly accused of not being in the present….I am constantly planning the next step and no I can’t relax and mediate properly either and yes, Men are not attracted to this ‘non-engaging in the present state’ trait. I have received feedback that I never really give them direct meaningful eye contact and they can tell my mind is off dashing about with what else needs to done.
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I’ve been on Zoloft for a year now to combat a series of panic attacks and anxiety. I spent the first 9 months just wanting to be off them (until giving up gluten got rid of the ‘side effects’ I’d been blaming on the meds). Now I’m right on the 12 month mark and still want to get off them, although not as badly as I used to, and I’m noticing/more conscious of my “anxiety” reactions to so many things.
Your article came just at the right time, because it’s hit the nail on the head for me. My anxiety reaction is now a habit that I need to try and rewire. This might be an obvious thing for some, but for me, it was exactly what I needed to hear right when I needed it. Thank you!
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March 20th, 2013 at 10:34 pm
I too was on Zoloft. Weight gain was my side effect. But after the initial horrible nauseating start week and insomnia, they helped my repetivtive anxious thoughts. I did come off them after a year but I was a more relaxed less stressed version of myself. I would not rush to come off them. Hope it goes well for you.
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March 22nd, 2013 at 12:40 pm
Thank you! I’m going through a period of change right now, so I think I’ll wait until later this year to try and come off them. I’m much better than I was this time last year, but I know I’m not quite there yet.
Isn’t that first week awful?! Between the nausea and the hot and sweaty feet, I was wondering how I was going to sustain it! I feel very lucky that I didn’t put on weight (I’d just lost 8kgs on Michelle Bridges’ 12WBT a few months before I started taking the meds) because I know so many have.
Glad to hear that you’re off them now that you’re less stressed! That’s my aim for this year – become much more relaxed and medication free. I feel like I’m on the right path
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I wish I planned and strived and looked forward. My anxiety is crippling, and paralysing. I get stuck in the past and frozen. Then I isolate myself, and watch the same tv shows from my past on DVD over and over again. Or the same movies, or the same music. I’m trying to change but there are some things in the past I need to properly confront and deal with first before I can move on. It’s a process, this trying to be present.
The thing is – as you alluded to above – the first step to change is acceptance. You can’t change something you are in denial about. The first step is to accept yourself exactly as you are, warts and all. And then start to make different decisions. Of course, this is extremely difficult!
Oh, and from someone who had a 26 year old wrap his car around a tree just near my house a few weeks ago, for fuck’s sake slow down people. In a sad coincidence, this young man was best friends with a few people I consider MY best friends, and I’d even met him once or twice. If he had been travelling at the speed limit he would have been fine. Instead his parents will never see him again and for someone so young that is heartbreaking.
The ad campaign is here: http://www.enjoytheride.wa.gov.au/ First time in a long time WA have done something I can be proud of!
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March 22nd, 2013 at 1:39 pm
This comment felt like it had leaked and fallen from my own life.
Thank you for the reminder that acceptance must always come first, and eventually recognition of who we are is actually pretty good.
Just.Be.
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Hi Sarah,
I like your flight or fright idea – I identify with both, often at the same time. My anxiety feels like a dream where I’m running as fast as I can but I’m not actually moving anywhere…’wading through molasses’ is another term that describes the feeling for me. Most of the time, when I jump in the car I’m racing off to another meeting etc – but hopefully I can use this time to get more in touch with the present moment.
I appreciate you writing about anxiety, although I’ve never been diagnosed – I live with anxious and negative thoughts on a daily basis. It is a deep-seated issue with me but your blog (and IQS – I’ve recently started – onto week three day two) have helped so much!
THANK YOU for making such a difference in my life. You are a special sort of person to share your personal thoughts and help the lives of others.
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Dear Sarah and her blog followers
I’m laughing reading this because I woke up an hour ago, and lay there thinking about the day ahead and my life. I thought about how I feel like I’m perpetually waiting for something – for my business to really take off or to buy a house (one day) or have a baby or get married or go on holiday. That’s on the upside – on the downside, sometimes when stressed I regard life as a series of hurdles (I just have to get past that one big stressful event). I realised how rarely I live in NOW.
So I’m asking
– “what would my life be like if I was truly present, not waiting for anything?”
- “What might it be like to not have a To Do list permanently running in my head?”
– “how would things be different if I took each moment as it comes, making some plans for the future (booking holidays) but always bringing myself back to now, this moment?”
2 more things: I’ve been using my car as a sanctuary for some time! I only play my favourite meditation music (Snatam Kaur) or silence – and yes, I often bless people I pass or see on the roadside.” On the weekend my boyfriend was (unusually) stressed about a big race and he got in my car and said “Wow! It’s so peaceful in here, all you need is some incense.” (AND he asked if we could put on the music when we got home again while he packed for the race
I’m practising SLOW this week. No running up stairs. Not opening 15 windows on the computer. I had a bath at midday on Monday. In between each task I try take a breath. And you know what? Work’s flowing – the world actually is delivering FASTER now that I’ve slowed down. Amazing. (and I’m helping publicise a “Mindfulness for Lawyers” 8 week course so that I can sign up for it too)
best wishes to all with slowing down, being mindful and creating sanctuaries in your cars xxx
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Sleeeeeeeeep!!!!! Must get 8 hours. I truly believe in this one. Of course, the question is how do you sleep when you’re anxious? Chicken or the egg? Do you have a great homeopath Sarah? Tried Traditional Chinese Medicine? I’m just doing that now… very interesting.
Oh and on slow, didn’t know what it was until the burst of the fitball that halted my life and my husband’s. Picking myself up 6 years later I’ve finally learned to leave things, go slow, cancel, postpone, let things go, change dates, deadlines, miss some things, actually miss alot of things and still life produces great moments, it’s lovely.
In some ways you just learn to sift the crap and end up with better quality of life… we do too much, we want to do too much.
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Hello Sarah,
I found my way to your blog from a state of withdrawal of a the Sunday morning read of your Sunday Life columns. I appreciate and that you for sharing so vividly.
Like others above I can relate to the fleeing anxiety. Though I had not articulated it so aptly as it feels from reading your words. Since a major career shift (and in the eyes of many an “identity shift”) a couple of years ago I have perhaps found glimmers of “the heaviness”. Most of all I feel grateful for some awareness and for turning to practice each day, however small it may be. Reading your words, like so often, I find informative, inspiring and also comforting – a reminder that we are all having a go, wherever we are.
Thankyou, Craig
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I’ve just finished reading You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh. I’ve found this the best, simplest book on mindfulness. “Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in. Breathing out , I know that I am breathing out”. Simple but effective.
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Thank you so much for this post. Every week my company are making people redundant. The uncertainty is making me feel anxious each morning that I walk to work. Thank you and all the others who replied for sharing your experiences
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I can really relate, although I’m in the ‘fright’ category and am constantly trying to manage / find ways to deal with it.
It is definitely much less present when I’m getting regular exercise, eating right, not having too much alcohol and when I’m not too ‘busy’. But this isn’t always possible.
I went to the Dr who told me it is very common and gave me pills to use ‘as needed’ when I’m put in public speaking situations (beta-blockers). He also gave me a very practical tip:
To get rid of the anxiety, you need to ‘break the cycle’. Make yourself really anxious (yes, on purpose) and put your two pointer fingers up in your peripheral vision and focus on them as you bend them for a minute or two. Apparently, the brain is not hard-wired to comprehend anxiety while you do this. So, if you do it twice a day for about 2 weeks it will break the cycle for people like me who have allowed fear to become a normal reaction to certain situations. He used this technique for his fear of heights.
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Love it – my car is my sanctuary, and driving gives me so much peace!
Was there watching you at The Conscious Club and you were totally inspiring and rockin’ it. You keep it so real.
Jia Ni
xo
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Thank you for this post – it describes the kind of anxiety I feel, but have never quite been able to put into words. I think it’s a delicate balance to be able to plan and strive to achieve your goals, while enjoying the present and not always being a step ahead.
I’ve always found driving very relaxing and almost meditative. I drive longish journeys regularly as I live a distance apart from my boyfriend at the moment and use the time to unwind, mentally sort and file all my “stuff” from the preceding week, and daydream about whatever comes into my head. I nearly always finish the journey refreshed and much calmer.
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Sarah, I appreciate the analysis of future/forward-driven anxiety as I have this inclination myself!
However I completely disagree with your statement re habits. Neuro-plasticity is a fascinating science and contemporary scientific studies on behavioural change completely contradict what you’ve stated re changing habits. We can absolutely change lifetime habits with ‘brain training’, discipline and time.
Dr Caroline Leaf has some brilliant books written in lay-person’s language about the subject – highly recommended
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March 22nd, 2013 at 12:02 pm
Absolutely right SJM!!! Head to bodyinmind.org and read what the Noi group are doing as well. All sorts of people making great progress with their issues by ‘pacing’ their activities and even imagining they can move limbs that have been paralysed through stroke for eg. As a Pelvic chronic pain sufferer I have learnt this first hand. I’m still not sure I have permanent damage, but certainly doing everything I can to prevent the pain message starting is reteaching my brain that I don’t need its warning signals when I use the affected area.
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March 22nd, 2013 at 12:54 pm
Exactly my thoughts too. All is changeable aside from the true YOU (the unchangeing you). And none of us are truly anxious beings when it comes down to the truth of our beings. Modern energy therapies work extremely well to change all elements of what we might feel is normal and unchangeable. If Emotional Freedom Technique (one example) can ‘cure’/reverse PTSD in veterans, than of course it can dissolve a permanent state of anxiety.
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I LOVE driving! Sarah – I think you are spot on about the driving, put on your favourite music and think of it as an experience. Wherever you are you see so many beautiful things while you drive – the Cahill express-way (can it get any better than that?!), jacaranda’s flowering, stormy skies, or, out where I live the endless horizon and a blood red sunset. Driving can take your mind off everything and helps give you clarity (well that’s my experience anyway).
Good luck slowing down (although I’d like to think that it takes all sorts to help the world go around so maybe don’t get too slow).
Anna
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Yes, I’ve been doing this for a while ! Putting coloured cotton mats on the floor and driving barefoot ( it’s legal in Vic) so I can really feel the pedals, meditation/classical on C.D, sometimes I burn incense in the car! Amongst all the fake flowers poking out of the ashtray and plethora of mismatched coloured mats/ scarves tied around headrests/ beads hanging from the visors edge etc, I have a lovely drive where I can.
I find it also helps to clean my car- even thought it’s a ’97 model it feels as though I am uncluttered in my mind when it’s clean and tidy……and do three good deeds on the road every time I drive, usually it’s letting someone merge in front if there’s heaps of traffic behind me, or whatever may be helpful to another driver. The good deeds (without telling anyone when they’re done) instill a sense of connectedness as opposed to a me and them driving mentality.
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Reading a wonderful book at the moment. “Mindfulness for life”. Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention -knowing where our attention is and being able to choose where to direct it. Its teaching me to live in the present. Very hard to do when we a are so used to multitasking and constantly thinking about the next thing we have to do. The book is an easy read and makes sooo much sense. Written by Dr Stephen Mckenzie and Dr Craig Hassed.
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Wonderful article Sarah – anxiety and fear are so difficult to escape, and so debilitating. My mind is always racing so far ahead, I sometimes wish I could physically reach into my brain and pull the ‘crazy’ (I use that term loosely, of course) part out. I feel like I’m always racing forward and need to pull back. Its interesting that there is a lot of buzz at the moment around the concept of “leaning in’-to something, whereas I’ve always found the best advice is to lean BACK – pull back from that inexorable drive forward. There’s an element of faith and trust there too – physically leaning back can make us feel like we’re going to fall backwards, that there’s no-one there to catch us. So we lean further and further forward, creating more stress, fear and anxiety.
I love driving with calming music – I actually find my (fairly) regular drives from Byron to the Central Coast quite relaxing, where as many greet the idea of the drive with dread. I”ll stop babbling now, but it is so inspiring to read your work! Great stuff!
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I think this issue is a lot more widespread than what you think Sarah, I’m in exactly the same boat as you, can’t sit still, mind is always rushing, boredom sets in very quickly unless I’m doing something, always anticipating my next move.
It’s displayed in my driving too, zipping around instead of calmly processing and ‘crusing’ type driving. Exercise and a sugar free diet is the only way I’ve found to combat it..
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Recently a colleague made a similar observation about me… “Jane, you’re always rushing off somewhere, always busy… and work’s not busy right now…” It made me realise this is my approach to life. It a social anxiety thing – if I’m on your way somewhere I don’t have to fully engage; a life thing – if I’ve got big plans I don’t have to contemplate the lack I feel in certain areas of my life – I’m too busy… being busy! It a confronting sentiment…. but if not moving forward, then what?
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March 27th, 2013 at 6:13 pm
Hi Jane,
A comment to your question; I think you said it best- you’re too busy being busy! Sometimes the actual act of ‘busyness’is the barrier…..it’s like treading water- you might think you’re moving forward but at the end result there is so much energy expended ( busyness) that you’ve been stuck in the same spot. To continue with the water analogy:), .I find surrendering to the natural ebb and flow of the tides is a more peaceful way to live AND still move forward/ get results/ achieve goals etc.
You will find your own way of moving through life peacefully, anxiety free/less anxiety/anxiety managed.
All the best to you:)
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Thanks for sharing. Love this message and I am passing it on.
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A driving tip I used when I was a sales rep on the road all day is to hold the steering wheel at 5 and 7 rather than 10 and 2. Not theoretically correct but it relaxes the shoulders, hense less stres. If you are prone to stress when driving the 10 and 2 position encourages raised shoulders and leaning forward which are 2 physical actions you need to do to be stressed. Avoid these actions and stay in control.
Works for me.
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Hi Sarah,
I like your idea that future focussed people are flight and past focussed are fright. I will look into this.
I often suggest to my clients that every traffic light is a moment for checking in, deep breathing and presence.
As a kinesiologist I am just wondering if you have ever tried kinesiology to tame your anxiety and if so what were the results. If not I would be happy to do some sessions for you.
I love your work,
Thanks
Nicole
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Thanks Sarah for that article.
I recently accumulated 5 speeding fines in the space of 7 months and am now on a good behaviour licence for a year. This is all because I simply cannot stop thinking of over a gazillion things other than those little signes with numbers on them ahead of me.
I too have adrenal problems and cannot stop myself from stressing. Now I have to (because of my reprimands from the transport department) ‘chill’ and be present and I found your words very applicable.
I’ll remember them when I’m driving like a Grandma. ( I can’t bring myself to listen to ABC though
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